


Home Is Wherever I'm With You

by cuteandtwisted



Series: In Every Universe [7]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Epic Cosmic Stuff as Usual, Face touching and kissing with feelings so many feelings, Isak is the softest, M/M, Mutual Pining, One country One kiss, The Universe Wants What It Wants, backpacking AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-19
Updated: 2018-03-07
Packaged: 2018-11-02 03:21:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 75,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10935924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cuteandtwisted/pseuds/cuteandtwisted
Summary: “Hi. I’m Even and I don’t usually walk around in nothing but a towel.”“Uh, I'm Isak.”“Isak. Mind if I kidnap you for some fun sightseeing activities?”Or Isak and Even keep meeting in hostels around the world and parting with a kiss or two.Aka the Travel!AU some of you requested.





	1. Sweden: You're so sweet

**Author's Note:**

> Had to get this out of my chest. This is for Kaira who left me a wonderful prompt in the comments of ydekm and for Joy my incredibly supportive wifey ha <3.  
> This is something that's been stuck in my head for a little while. I wrote it in a couple of hours after midnight so I'm sorry if it makes no sense.  
> Hope you like it *runs*

“I don’t want to do this,” said Isak, adjusting his snapback on top of his messy hair.

_I need a trim._

“What do you mean you don’t want to do this? Are you gay or what?” said Magnus.

_Fuck you._

“Yeah, what’s your deal, man? We’re in Stockholm!” said Mahdi.

“Exactly! We’re in Stockholm! Can we do something else other than bar hopping and looking for girls?” said Isak.

“Who are you, man?” said Magnus.

“Oh piss off,” Isak huffed before bending over behind the couch looking for his socks.

“Socks? They’re behind the other bed,” said Jonas.

“Fuck this. Why did we decide to go with a hostel again?” said Isak.

“Because we’re broke eighteen year olds?” said Mahdi.

“Right.”

“What’s up with you?” said Jonas. “Why are you in such a pissy mood?”

“Pissy mood?!” Isak scoffed. “What?”

.

Isak was in a mood. It was Easter and the boys had convinced him to take a trip to Stockholm. He had no money and he was so embarrassed about having to find an excuse after ditching their previous trip that he ended up borrowing some from Eskild.

“I’ll pay you back. I promise,” said Isak, a blush creeping its way to his cheeks. _He hated it._

“It’s okay my little child kitten,” said Eskild, hands reaching up to cup Isak’s face if it weren’t for his fast reflexes. “Take your time.”

.

Isak was in a mood because he had to pretend he wasn’t hungry and because he had to pretend he was tired and couldn’t make it to the bars when the truth was that he didn't want to spend any money.

He was in a mood because the boys didn’t seem to realize that he lived alone in a kollektiv and had to pay rent. They didn’t realize that it wasn’t as easy for him, that he had to literally beg his dad for a few bills. They didn’t realize that when he ate Linn’s food, it wasn’t by mistake. The boys didn’t realize that.

The boys also didn’t realize that the last thing he wanted to do was spend money on buying drinks for girls in bars in _freaking_ Stockholm.

Isak was in a mood.

.

“Can’t we do something interesting that we can’t do back home? Like take a walk along Gamla Stan or go to Djurgården or Slussen or something?” said Isak.

“Djurgården? Djurgården?!” Magnus all but yelled. “Who are you? Did you die and get replaced by a look alike?”

“Please don’t bring memes from last year into this,” said Jonas, bringing his palm to his face.

“No, but Isak, what’s your deal lately?” said Mahdi.

“Nothing,” Isak shrugged, getting ready to leave their hostel and admitting defeat. _Fuck I should have just stayed in Oslo._

He also didn’t mention how most of the places he suggested were actually in Eskild’s ‘List of things to do in Stockholm’ which ended with ‘ _Get a Swedish hunk to give you a blowjob_ ’.

Isak never had the talk with Eskild, but he somehow knew. It was his second year living with Eskild now. He just knew.

.

Isak first saw him in the shared bathroom of their hostel. _And sometimes he wished he hadn’t gone into that bathroom. Sometimes, he wished he had just waited until they reached the bar. He wished so many things, but_ _what was the point?_

He was tall and blond and gorgeous and his eyes were blue, blue, blue. A towel was wrapped around his waist and he was smiling at Isak through the mirror.

“Enjoying the view?” said the stranger.

“Uh, what? No. What?” Isak stuttered. _What the fuck._

But then he laughed and Isak was tempted to say _as a matter of fact, yes, I am._

“Kidding,” said the tall stranger, his smile all teeth.

“Uh, you’re uh, Norwegian?” said Isak.

“Yeah.”

“Oh, okay. Cool,” said Isak, before turning around to leave the bathroom altogether.

“You okay there?”

“Excuse me?”

“You can stay here if you don’t want to go with your friends you know,” said the stranger.

“What?”

“Oh sorry,” he smiled. “I promise I didn’t mean to, but I overheard your conversation with your friends. You don’t seem to be into whatever they’re planning tonight.”

_Who are you even?_

“Uh.”

“You probably think I’m a creep now,” the stranger sighed before extending his hand to Isak. “Hi, I’m Even and I don’t usually walk around in nothing but a towel.”

“Uh, Isak,” he said, taking his hand and trying his best not to narrow his eyes.

“Isak,” said Even. “Mind if I kidnap you for some fun sightseeing activities?”

“What?”

“I was thinking of taking a mindless walk around the Stockholm Metro stations to contemplate the art but I realized I’d really like to have some company.”

_Who is this weirdo._

“Uh, sorry but I have to go. My friends are waiting for me,” said Isak.

Even’s face fell a bit, and for some reason Isak found himself caring.

“Oh, it’s okay. Another time maybe.”

“Yeah, maybe,” said Isak.

Their hands were still clasped together when Magnus came through the bathroom door asking about what was taking him so long.

.

Isak sat at the bar and tried his best not to physically shove anyone who came near him. He drank his beer, watched Jonas’ tongue slide against some girl’s, and ignored the aching in his chest.

Isak drank until he no longer thought about how he didn’t have enough money for the following month’s rent, about how his stomach was grumbling, and about how he would rather be in his room binge-watching some tv show in bed.

_Fuck._

He drank until he could bear the giggling in his ear and some girl’s hand on his thigh. He drank until having her tongue down his throat felt okay.

Isak drank until everything felt okay.

.

“You okay there?” said the person who opened the door of the hostel for him.

“I’m fantastic!” said Isak, nearly falling over if it weren’t for the strong hands keeping him in place.

“You should have let me kidnap you.”

“Yeah. Should have,” Isak mumbled.

.

Isak woke up with the worst headache, and Jonas yelled at him for a good fifteen minutes for disappearing without telling anyone.

“I’m not a child, Jonas!”

“Isak. We were worried sick,” said Jonas. “You just disappeared.”

“Yeah well, I’m fine. Whatever.”

.

The boys were getting ready for another night of drinking and hooking up with girls while Isak fished through the shared kitchen for something to snack on.

“How are you feeling?” said someone behind him, making him nearly jump.

_Even._

“Huh?”

“You were pretty fucked up last night,” said Even.

“Oh, shit. Did you see me when I came in?”

“Yeah. I helped you to your bed,” said Even, beaming.

Isak took him in. He was wearing a white t-shirt and a denim jacket and his hair looked ridiculously perfect in that quiff. He looked good, really good.

“Shit,” Isak muttered under his breath.

“It’s okay. You’re a cute drunk,” said Even, still smiling.

_Is he flirting with me._

“Uh sorry, man,” said Isak. “Sorry for ruining your night or something.”

“Not at all,” said Even, staring for a little too long. “My pleasure.”

Isak was flustered and he didn’t know why.

“Uh, how was your walk?” Isak managed.

“Hm?”

“Your walk through the metro stations.”

“Oh, I didn’t go,” said Even.

“No?”

“Yeah, I figured you’d change your mind and I’d kidnap you then.”

“Oh.”

“Any plans tonight?” said Even, walking closer so that he was in Isak’s face.

“Uh, yeah. Just uh, with the boys.”

“I see,” said Even. “I’ll be here if you change your mind.”

He then walked out of the kitchen and took all of the air in the room with him.

.

“How come you get all the girls, Jonas? You’re not even that tall! I’m taller than you,” said Magnus.

“It’s not about height, dumbass,” said Mahdi.

“What he said,” said Jonas. “You gotta make a girl feel appreciated you know. You can’t treat her like an object.”

“What the hell, Jonas?” Magnus scoffed. “I don’t treat girls like objects!”

“Yeah cause no girl even lets you near her in the first place,” said Mahdi.

Isak laughed but his it faded quicker than the others’. He was bored. He was bored and he didn’t want to be there.

.

“You came back,” said Even.

“I did,” said Isak, his whole face flushed, probably.

“Keen on getting kidnapped?”

.

Isak was having the best night of his life.

Even was smart and interesting and charming, so so charming. He was funny and he never stopped smiling. Not even when Isak pretended to know Nas and Even could see right through him.

They spent the night hopping from station to station and looking at the art while Even went over the history and significance of each installation.

Isak didn’t get it. It was just paintings all over a metro station, but Even cared. He cared so much that there were lights dancing in his eyes. Bright and beautiful lights.

Isak stared because he simply couldn’t _not_ stare.

Isak found himself enjoying the company of this stranger he met at a hostel more than that of his own friends, and he felt a bit bad. But only a tad bit because Even still dedicated all of his attention to him.

Isak would never admit it out loud but he liked it. He liked being the center of attention.

Even orbited around him and bumped against him from time to time while Isak walked with his hands in his pockets.

Even smiled at him until Isak met his eyes and smiled back briefly before looking down.

Isak was flustered and he was no longer holding it in. This guy was interested. He had to be.

Suddenly, there wasn’t enough air in his lungs, and Isak’s heart started pounding in his ribcage.

_Is this really happening?_

.

They were at Stadion station on the red line under the rainbow mural when Even took his hand, making Isak gasp.

“Oh.”

“How old are you, Isak?” said Even, a soft smile on his face.

“Uh, eighteen, nineteen in a few months,” he mumbled.

“Cool. I’m twenty one,” said Even. “Just turned twenty one a few months ago.”

“Uh, okay.”

Isak stood there looking at his hand safely tucked in Even’s. He had never held hands with anyone before.

“Ever kissed a boy before, Isak?”

“Uh.”

“You don’t have to answer if you don't want to.”

_But what if I do._

“No,” said Isak.

“No?”

“I’ve never done _that_.”

Even’s expression softened and Isak’s heart was about to burst inside his chest. _Is this really happening._

Even’s hand cupped Isak’s left cheek and he couldn’t help but lean into it.

“Keen on kissing a boy, Isak?” said Even.

.

Even kissed him and Isak could feel fire spreading inside his chest. He had never been kissed like that before. Never.

It was soft, so soft. Lips on lips, asking one, two, three questions.

 _Yes, yes, yes,_ Isak answered every single time.

He was overwhelmed and he didn’t know what to do with his hands, so he curled into Even whose right hand was still on his face while his left held Isak’s.

The kiss ended before Isak could properly part his lips, and regret soon came washing over when he finally opened his eyes.

“Hello,” said Even, lights, bright bright lights dancing in his eyes, a soft smile on his lips.

“Hello,” Isak mumbled.

“Wanna head back?”

“Yes.”

.

Even kissed him again on the tube back to their hostel, and Isak managed to curl his fingers around Even’s shirt this time. It was still soft, with a hint of tongue, but nothing overwhelming. Isak couldn’t breathe but it was okay. He was kissing a _boy_ in public in _freaking_ Stockholm but it was okay.

The boys were on the other side of town. There was no way they could run into them.

And the truth was that Isak couldn’t care less with Even’s fingers digging into the skin right below his shirt.

Isak felt braver and brought a hand up to Even’s neck making him break the kiss.

“So sweet,” Even smiled before pressing their lips back together. “You’re so sweet.”

.

They ran to their hostel hand in hand after leaving the metro station, and Isak expected to be pinned to a wall the moment they crossed the door with a little bit of anticipation and fear roaming around his chest.

But Even walked behind him with a hand on his hip, and kissed the back of his hair instead.

_Oh._

Even climbed into his bed in the shared room and kissed him again.

Isak was overwhelmed. He was overwhelmed because he had never in a million years expected this when he packed his bag for Sweden. Not even for a second.

But somehow, it still felt right. It felt so right. So he curled into this boy he knew nothing about and parted his lips until he could feel his tongue against his.

It was all too soft and too much and Isak’s head was spinning with all the possibilities.

_Is he from Oslo? Does he go to university? Is he here for Easter, too? Oh gosh, what if he’s a prick and outs me to the boys. Oh fuck. Fuck!_

But Isak’s worries died down when Even climbed off the bed after the first person made it back to the shared space from their night out.

Isak almost whined at the loss of contact, and when Even pressed a kiss to his forehead, he all but melted in his sheets.

“Goodnight, Isak.”

“Goodnight, Even.”

.

Isak didn’t sleep. His heart was still pounding in his chest by the time the sun rose, his eyes wide open and staring at the ceiling.

_Fuck._

.

Isak managed to get an hour of sleep, maybe two.

When he woke up, Mahdi was still mad at him for ditching them yet again. But Isak couldn’t care less.

_Where is he?_

Isak’s initial reaction when he realized that Even hadn’t been around the entire day was to think that he probably freaked out and regretted everything.

His next thought was that Even was a massive _douche_ who found pleasure in playing with boys who weren’t really sure of anything.

Isak remained in an irritable mood the entire day until Linnea, a girl working at the hostel, came looking for him.

“Are you Isak?”

“Yes,” he said.

“Someone left this for you before they checked out,” she said, handing him a note.

 

 

 

> May we meet again, in a better life.
> 
> (u're hot <3)
> 
> \- Even

 

The next time Isak saw Even, he was twenty, alone, and carrying his broken heart all around Argentina.


	2. Argentina: Where is your boyfriend, Isak?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You remember me?"  
> "Of course, Isak. We made out for like two hours."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Updated End Notes*  
> Hope you like this <3 I'm still catching up on all the comments in ydekm wow I still can't believe you all. I'm mindblown!!!! 
> 
> Leave me destinations and tips and stuff. <33

Isak’s first thought was that he was lost. His second thought was that he was hungry and that he should probably start asking people for directions if he wanted to make it back before sunset.

Isak was at the National University of La Plata, an hour away from Buenos Aires, and he had to get back to the capital and get his _shit_ together.

He stared at people making their way in and out of classes and awkwardly scanned their faces wondering if they spoke English or if they would be patient enough to give him directions. He chickened out every time imagining they would just turn him down or wonder why he looked like he had been crying for hours.

Isak sat back down on a bench, sighed, and took his head in his hands.

“Fuck me,” he mumbled to himself.

It hurt. It hurt so much. Isak was almost grateful that he didn’t know where he was because at least he had that to focus on.

“Hey, are you okay?” said a girl who stopped by his bench.

“Oh, uh, hi,” Isak mumbled in English, bringing his sleeves to his face to wipe his tears. “Yes, I’m fine.”

“You look lost. Are you looking for a place in particular?” said the girl who wore the warmest smile on her face.

“Oh, I don’t even know where I am,” Isak chuckled. “I need to get to the bus station and go back to Buenos Aires.”

“Oh, I thought you were looking for a building or something,” said the girl, laughing. “I’m Irina by the way.”

“Uh, Isak,” he responded, taking her extended hand and shaking it.

He watched her squirm and blush and wondered why she was helping him in the first place.

“Well, Isak. You’re in front of the Faculty of Astronomical and Geophysical Sciences and you’re gonna have to leave the university to get to the bus station,” said Irina.

“Yeah, I’m just a bit out of it,” said Isak.

“Want me to take you?”

“What?”

“I can take you. My friend has a car. We can drop you off,” said Irina.

Isak stopped for a moment to think. _Is this a normal occurrence? I know nothing about this girl. Should I trust her?_

But then he remembered that he didn’t have a phone, that he lost his passport, that he barely had any money, and that he was running out of options.

“Seriously? Thank you. Yes.”

.

“Why do you have to go back to Buenos Aires?” said Irina from the passenger seat while her friend drove them.

“My friends are there. And I lost my passport so I have to go and get it replaced at the embassy and stuff,” said Isak.

“Oh crap. Where are you from?”

“Norway.”

“What’s someone from Norway doing in La Plata?” said Irina’s friend.

_Getting his heart broken._

“I don’t even know,” said Isak, throwing his head back.

.

Isak made it to the bus station and was surprised when Irina hugged him and wished him good luck.

He used the rest of his money to buy a ticket and broke down the moment he got on the bus.

_Fuck me._

.

It got worse. As soon as he made it to the hostel around 21:00, he was greeted by an anxious Jonas.

“What?” said Isak.

“Bro, what happened with Matías? I’ve been calling both of you all day.”

“I forgot my phone over there, sorry,” said Isak.

“What’s up with you?”

“Nothing,” said Isak.

“Where’s Matías?”

“Uhm, he stayed in La Plata.”

“Wasn’t he supposed to get something and come back with you?” said Jonas.

“Can we talk about this later?” said Isak, pushing past him to get to his bed face first. “I’m tired.”

“Isak?”

“For fuck’s sake, Jonas. I really don’t want to do this right now!” Isak all but yelled, his face buried in his pillow.

But he knew Jonas wouldn’t leave it alone, and when he felt his weight on the bed next to him, he knew he’d end up crying again.

_Fuck._

“Isak, what happened?”

“He has a fucking fiancée,” Isak mumbled.

“What?”

“Yeah as soon as we got to his apartment, this girl knocked on the door and started screaming in Spanish. I just-”

“What the fuck?!”

“Yeah.”

.

Isak didn’t sleep that night and none of the nights after that. It hurt too much.

.

It probably wasn’t love but Isak really liked Matías. He liked him a lot. He met him at one of Eva’s parties at UiO, and all the girls had their eyes on the mysterious older Argentinian exchange student.

Isak was four drinks in, so he stared until the tall dark boy flashed him a smile and crossed the crowd to get to him.

“Hi, I’m Matías,” he said with a huge grin. He had dark curly hair and a gorgeous smile.

Isak was gone almost instantly.

“Isak,” he mumbled.

“Isak. Hm,” Matías hummed and reached up to place a hand on Isak’s waist. “Your place or mine?”

.

They ended up at Isak’s place and Matías had him panting into his pillow until the sun rose. They became a thing after that. Not an official thing, but a _‘wanna fuck real quick before class?’_ thing.

Jonas was the only one aware of Isak and Matías’ arrangement. He was the only one who knew that Isak liked boys, and he never pressured him into telling others.

Jonas liked Matías a lot. He liked him so much that when the older boy suggested they travel with him to Argentina for summer break, Jonas instantly agreed.

Isak was so gone for Matías that he blew all of his savings on that plane ticket, every single dime. They ended up in a hostel in Buenos Aires and took a daytrip to where Matías lived in La Plata, leaving Jonas behind for some alone time.

Isak smiled during the entire bus ride. And when Matías finally took his hand, he felt himself melt and thought to himself, _maybe, maybe it’s love._

So when Matías’ girlfriend of five years walked in on them having sex, Isak felt like the most stupid boy in the universe.

His heart hurt too much. He was crushed. He was humiliated.

.

“I can’t believe this shit,” Jonas sighed.

“I’ll get over it,” said Isak.

“What’s with your luck with shitty guys in foreign countries?”

“What are you talking about?” Isak looked up from his cereals.

“First that Even guy and now Matías.”

“How do you even remember Even? You never met him,” said Isak.

“I didn’t talk to him but I remember seeing him in the hostel, and you told me about him.”

“Whatever,” said Isak. “He wasn’t shitty. He just left.”

“That’s called being shitty, Isak.”

.

_For over six months, Even was the only thing on Isak’s mind. He couldn’t get over that night. He couldn’t get over his smile, and his touch, and his kisses. It was ridiculous but whenever he had a drink or two, he found himself looking for him in the crowd._

_After their encounter in Stockholm, Isak simply couldn’t go near a girl. He just couldn’t. It felt too fake, too unnatural. He couldn’t lie to himself anymore._

_The tension between the boys and him only escalated after that. And after a few weeks of isolation, he ended up telling Jonas what was on his heart and mind._

_Jonas didn’t even blink. He just told him that Even was handsome and after that they laughed._

_Isak started seeing random guys after that. He took a stab at Grindr and started saying yes to some of Eskild’s plans. Life was okay and he had one foot out of the closet. He kissed guys and got on his knees and he loved the sex, gosh he loved it. But sometimes he wanted more. Sometimes, he just wanted for someone to hold his hand and tell him that he’s sweet._

.

Isak was crushed. He left his roaming-enabled phone at Matías’ apartment as he all but ran out before tears made it to his cheeks. He had also dropped his passport during their first week at Buenos Aires and was virtually and physically stuck. _What a fucking disaster._

Jonas begrudgingly left him behind to head to Chile as they had already booked accommodation there, and Isak promised it was fine and that he was going to join him as soon as his passport issue was resolved.

As soon as Jonas left, Isak got himself an upgrade to a private room in the hostel.

_I just want to fucking cry._

He felt ridiculously stupid. He couldn’t believe he blew his savings for _this_. He couldn’t believe he was that guy who was too enamored and who literally followed another guy across the globe. Isak couldn’t believe it. He didn’t even like traveling. He was too lazy and he just wanted to curl around himself. Isak was crushed.

.

Isak was having coffee with Marcus, a talkative german boy who ended up in the same hostel, when he saw him.

Coffee going through his nose wasn’t something Isak was keen on experiencing, but it happened anyways.

_What the fuck?! Is that Even?_

He looked as tall as Isak remembered him. His hair was styled in a ridiculous quiff and he had raybans on. His backpack was obnoxious and he was only wearing a white t-shirt. Isak wondered if he knew that it was winter in July in Argentina.

Isak wasn’t sure what took over him, but he quickly got up from the common area and ran to his private room before Even could see him.

.

Isak knew that he couldn’t avoid him forever, but it was his plan for the first few hours. He then realized that Even had probably forgotten about him. It was over a year prior after all.

.

“Isak, bro!” Marcus greeted as soon as he made it to the kitchen area. “Have you met Even? He’s Norwegian, too!”

_Fuck me. Just fuck._

Even looked as beautiful as in Isak’s memories and he couldn’t handle reopening an old wound. Not when a fresh one was still causing him so much pain.

“Hi,” said Isak, waving awkwardly. “I’m Isak.”

“I knew the world was small, but not this small,” said Even in Norwegian, beaming.

“Uh, you, uh-”

Isak couldn’t finish his sentence because Even walked over to him and wrapped him in a tight hug.

_What the hell._

When he pulled back, he smiled and ran a hand over Isak’s cheek.

“You guys know each other?!” said Marcus.

“Yes, we do,” said Even, in English.

“You, uh, you remember me?” Isak asked, a bit flustered, a bit everything.

“Of course,” said Even in Norwegian. “We made out for like two hours.”

“Uh, yeah.”

Isak couldn’t believe it. Was the universe messing with him?

He hadn’t slept in a few days because of heartache, and he had barely left his room at the hostel. He was so tired and lethargic that he kept delaying going to the embassy and reporting his passport as lost. Isak was stuck. He was sad and crushed and paralyzed and he wanted nothing more but to be back to his room in Oslo.

And now, now he had to deal with the very first boy who ever left him hanging, with the boy who held his hand and kissed his forehead and then just left. Isak couldn’t handle it.

“What are you doing in Argentina?” said Even, still smiling, still in his personal space.

“Uh, just, uh. Visiting my boyfriend,” he lied, and shoved Even’s hand awkwardly.

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” said Isak, lowering his gaze to the floor. “Gotta go.”

.

Isak didn’t sleep. He set the alarm clock he bought at the market nearby and hoped he would wake up early enough to make it to the embassy.

He got up a couple of hours after his alarm instead, and dragged himself to the bathrooms.

“Morning,” said Even, a smile on his face, a towel around his waist, and his hair wet and dripping everywhere.

“Morning,” said Isak.

“What are you up to today?”

“Uh, I have to do some stuff.”

“Well, that was very specific,” said Even, beaming.

“Yeah, I have some stuff to take care of.”

“Boyfriend related?” said Even.

“Yeah. Something like that.”

“That’s too bad. I’ll be in San Telmo today if you want to hang out.”

“I’m good thanks,” said Isak.

.

Isak made it to the embassy and was told that he had to take a new picture, file a police report, and do some things he knew he would never get around to doing on the same day. So he wrote everything down and gathered the paperwork and headed back to his hostel feeling extremely exhausted.

“Hey, we’re going to Bar Plaza Dorrego,” said Marcus. “Wanna join us? Even says it’s cool.”

“I’m busy today. Maybe another time,” said Isak, avoiding Even’s gaze.

“You okay? You look tired,” said Even.

_Why do you care._

“I’m fine. Physically drained that’s all,” said Isak.

When he looked at Even, he looked taken aback.

_Physically drained._

Even probably thought his fictional boyfriend gave it to him good, great. Isak didn’t have enough energy to rectify that.

“Anyways, you should join us if you feel better,” said Marcus.

.

Isak left his room around one in the morning and sat on the patio. It was a beautiful night, a bit cold but nothing Isak couldn’t handle. He froze for the first couple of days but then decided to stop being stupid and stubborn and put on Matías huge jacket.

Isak always loved that jacket.

“It’s a bit chilly for stargazing don’t you think?”

_Even._

“I’m warm enough,” said Isak, barely glancing at him.

“I bet. That jacket looks very comfy,” said Even. “Though a bit big around the shoulders.”

“Yeah, it’s not mine.”

“Hm. Boyfriend?” said Even.

“Yeah.”

Even pulled up a chair next to Isak and pulled out a pack of cigarettes.

“You smoke?” said Isak.

“Sometimes,” said Even.

Isak quickly realized that he wasn’t smoking nicotine.

“How did you sneak in weed?” said Isak.

“I bought it here.”

“What?”

“Yeah, Franco the guy at the front desk hooked me up,” said Even.

“Franco? Franco?!” Isak scoffed. “He’s never said a word to me and I’ve been here for weeks!”

Even laughed.

“Yeah, well perhaps if you left your room,” said Even. “I mean who gets a private room in a hostel?”

“Someone who wants some privacy?” said Isak.

“Oh, now I’m curious to know what you do in there.”

“How do you even know that I don’t leave my room?” said Isak.

“I asked around,” said Even, taking a drag.

_Huh._

“Why?”

“I was wondering where you were. Wanted to talk to you,” said Even.

“About what?”

“Just wanted to catch up. Know how you’re doing,” Even took another drag. “It’s quite surreal that we met again in a hostel. I can’t take it for granted.”

Isak rolled his eyes and sighed.

“Well if you want a life update, my life is like this huge fucking cliché, and sometimes I wonder who the hell is writing it,” said Isak.

“That was deep,” Even laughed. “I was just wondering if you went to uni or something. But this is good too.”

Isak sighed then reached out to take the joint from Even’s fingers.

“What are _you_ doing here?”

“Doing some soul searching. Will head to Patagonia soon.”

“Cool,” said Isak. “My friend is there right now.”

“Ever been?”

“No.”

“You can’t come all the way to Argentina and not go to Patagonia,” said Even.

“I actually can, Even. I can simply stay here and not go.”

“Did you just sass me?”

“I might have,” said Isak, smiling.

“Oh, a smile.”

“Hm?”

“You just smiled,” said Even, reaching up to touch Isak’s cheek and running his index finger over his cheekbone. “Smiling looks good on you.”

Isak felt like he was back to that night in Stockholm when Even just did whatever he felt like doing to him while Isak squirmed and melted.

“I have a boyfriend,” he mumbled.

“I remember,” said Even. “I’m just telling you. This isn’t me coming onto you.”

“Okay,” said Isak, before taking another drag of the almost finished joint.

He inhaled too much and coughed while Even laughed next to him.

“What are you laughing about?!”

“Sweet. You’re so sweet.”

“Shut up,” Isak rolled his eyes, ignoring the blush that crept its way to his cheeks.

.

Isak went to bed and slept that night.

The next day he got his picture taken and handled some of the paperwork and felt a little less sad, a little less lethargic.

So when Marcus bugged him about joining them for a stroll around La Boca, he accepted.

.

It was a beautiful day, still cold but sunny, and Isak found himself laughing at Even’s lame jokes. He hadn’t laughed in weeks. It felt good. And for a moment, it almost seemed like Even was trying really hard to get him to laugh.

Even did it again and Isak's heart leapt. He brushed his index finger over Isak's cheek as they strolled the Cobblestones of El Caminito. And this time Isak let him.

“Love it when you laugh,” said Even. “Laughing looks good on you.”

“You’re an asshole. You know that?” said Isak, playfully.

“I heard.”

They laughed some more and watched dancers perform Tango at the Feria de Artesanos Caminito. It was so intense and Isak couldn’t help but blush and feel flustered.

“It’s like they’re fucking with their clothes on,” said Marcus.

.

“When are you going to Patagonia?” said Isak on their way back to the hostel.

“The day after tomorrow,” said Even.

“Hm. Okay.”

“What’s your plan?”

“I’m staying here until my flight back to Oslo next week,” said Isak.

“You’re staying here for a whole week?! That’s a bummer. You should join me.”

“I’m good, thanks.”

“No but really. It could be fun. I’m meeting up with some friends, too. And we can hike and camp and do stuff and -”

“Even, seriously. I’m not coming with you,” said Isak.

“Okay.”

.

Isak stopped resisting and spent the following day with Even again. He took him to Museo Nacional de Bellas Artes and kept talking the whole time. Isak loved it.

He was back to their night in Stockholm, and he realized that he hadn’t thought about Matías in days.

Isak had a million questions but he chose to leave them there in the back of his mind and enjoy his last day with Even as he was probably never going to see him again.

They were eating at a food stand when Even reached out to wipe some of the sauce off his face, his thumb brushing his lower lip. Isak immediately shoved his hand away causing him to drop his food. Matías used to do that all the time.

“Shit. I’m sorry,” said Isak.

“It’s okay. It’s my fault. I keep touching you,” said Even.

“Uh, yeah. It’s, uh-. It’s okay.”

Isak was flustered and he hated it. He knew that it was a terrible idea. He knew that letting Even back in when he was so _fucking_ wrecked and destroyed and nursing a broken heart was a terrible idea. But he couldn’t help it. Even’s eyes were staring into his soul, and they were blue, blue, blue.

Suddenly, breathing hurt and Isak wanted Even to tell him that he was sweet again. He wanted him to touch his cheek and tell him that he’s sweet.

“Where’s your boyfriend, Isak?” Even said instead.

Isak dropped his food, too. _Shit._

“What?”

“Your boyfriend that you’re visiting. Where is he?”

“Uh. Why are you asking?” said Isak.

“Because I want to touch you and not feel like this,” said Even.

“Like what?” Isak asked with something like pleading in his voice.

_Why are you so pathetic._

Even stroked his cheek and Isak leaned into it. When he took his hand away, the loss of contact was brutal.

“Forget it, Isak. Nevermind.”

.

They walked back to their hostel and Even walked him to his room.

“I sleep next to Marcus,” Even pouted. “He snores.”

“Yeah that won’t get you invited to my headquarters,” said Isak.

“Dammit,” Even muttered, jokingly. “Thought I would at least try.”  

“Try harder,” Isak laughed.

“You mean like right now?”

"Shut up,” Isak laughed.

They both stood there in front of Isak’s room until their laughter died down and tension filled up the air instead.

“What time are you leaving tomorrow?”

“I’m waking up around 5 in the morning,” said Even.

“Five?!”

“Yeah.”

“What why?”

“It’s a long way to where I want to be.”

“Take a later bus,” said Isak.

“I will if you come with me,” said Even.

“Oh, stop it,” Isak rolled his eyes.

Even laughed again and reached up to grab Isak’s hand making him gasp again.

“We might never see each other again,” said Even.

“Yeah. Probably.”

“I didn’t think I’d see you again after Stockholm.”

“Me neither,” said Isak.

“Maybe we’re fated? Written in the stars?”

“Stop it,” Isak rolled his eyes again.

Even’s thumb brushed over the back of his hand and he squeezed gently.

“I’m glad we met again. I’m glad this happened,” said Even.

_Me too. I feel a little better._

“Me too,” said Isak, squeezing right back.

They stood there in front of Isak’s room, and his heart started beating like crazy inside his chest. He was feeling hot all over. This was Even’s last night. He was never going to see him again. There was no use in lying to him. There was no use denying himself whatever this was.

So when Even cupped his left cheek with his hand, Isak closed his eyes and leaned into it.

“Where’s your boyfriend, Isak?”

“Hm?” Isak opened his eyes and was greeted by Even’s intense stare.

“Where is your boyfriend?” Even repeated, this time bringing his left hand to Isak’s waist and squeezing gently.

_Shit._

“Fuck. I don’t. I don’t have a boyfrien-”

Isak couldn’t finish his sentence because Even had pressed their lips together. Soft and hesitant but still overwhelming. Isak sighed into it and brought both hands to Even’s neck bringing him closer.

“Dammit,” he muttered against Even’s lips.

“Do you want me to stop?”

“No. No.”

Isak pushed his door open and dragged Even inside by the collar, closing the door behind them.

He let himself fall onto the mattress and pulled Even on top of him before quickly catching his upper lip between his.

“Fucking hell, Isak,” Even muttered.

“Kiss me,” Isak panted.

And kiss him, he did. Even kissed him until he was a mess under him, his big hand never leaving Isak’s cheek, constantly there making him part his lips wider, his thumb on his lower lip.

Isak let himself be kissed. And while it started as a heated kiss, it soon became soft, so soft. Isak was no longer pulling and pushing and grinding. He just lay there while Even showered him with kisses.

“So sweet. You’re so sweet,” he mumbled against his skin, and Isak cracked instantly.

He couldn’t handle it. _What am I doing._

He was still so sad. So sad and so heartbroken, and the reason he was wasn’t leaving the room was because he was suffocating and feeling depressed. And he felt like he couldn’t do a _damn_ thing about it. Matías might have been just good sex, but Isak really let himself fall for him, really let his walls down for him. He had crossed the globe for him. He was suppressing it, but it hurt. He trusted him. He should have known better. _Oh gosh, what was I thinking coming all the way to Argentina? How stupid and thoughtless and-_

“Isak, what’s wrong? What’s wrong?”

“What?”

“Why are you crying?” said Even.

“I’m not crying!”

Isak was crying. Just silent tears, but he still cried. He hadn’t cried since the day his heart broke, but he was crying now. _Awesome timing._

Isak was so embarrassed but Even was leaving in a few hours anyways. So he let him hold him and play with his hair and press kisses to his face. He let him. And when he fell asleep, it was in Even’s strong embrace.

.

When Isak woke up, there was a note on the nightstand and Even’s jacket on the chair.

. 

> May we meet again, in a life where you’re not hurting.
> 
> (ps: I swapped our jackets. Hope this one doesn’t make you sad <3)
> 
> (ps2: whoever he is, he’s a fucking asshole who doesn’t deserve you)
> 
> \- Even

. 

The next time they met, Isak was carrying a drunk Eva around Lisbon, Portugal and Even had a fiancée.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDIT: Wow. I'm always so overwhelmed when I read your comments, in an amazing way of course <3  
> I just wanted to say that Isak following an exchange student to his home country only to find out that he had a fiancée is something that happened to a friend of mine. She was so crushed that she couldn't come back home for weeks.   
> Isak is heartbroken in this chapter similar to ydekm!Isak because of Erik. But in that verse Isak knew he was the "side guy" and that Erik was committed to Aina. In this verse, Isak was genuine and he thought they had a chance only to find out he had been played. Isak left his phone behind so he doesn't know what's going on in the world. Maybe Matías tried to reach out and apologize? We'll see.   
> But we're going places and we're doing different things in this verse. Expect a completely different Isak in the next chapter *hugs*.  
> .  
> Original notes:   
> Hope you liked it. Irina is a real person who is very lovely and I hope she liked this haha <3  
> Leave me cities and places you'd like to see them in. Would really appreciate it <3  
> Tell me what you think of this verse so far, comments are super appreciated :3 and I'll do my best to continue.  
> .  
> Writing Isak's background story in any verse makes me so sad omg.  
> *hugss*


	3. Portugal: I love her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I can't help but wonder where I'd be if I stayed with you in Buenos Aires," said Even.  
> "Right here. You'd probably be right here with me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDIT: Thank you to 'N' for catching a timeline inconsistency in this chapter <33\. Fixed it.  
> EDIT 2: Ao3 does this strange thing and makes the chapter jump in the tag whenever I edit my notes/update the chapter! I'm Sorryyy.  
> .  
> Hiii. Thank you for all the love for this verse. Every comment and message and tweet means so much to me. Thank you so much!  
> I hope you like this <3

“I don’t get it,” said Isak, biting into his custard tart. “We waited two hours for this?!”

“We waited like ten minutes,” said Eva, rolling her eyes. “Why are you such a drama queen?”

“I don’t get it. What’s so special about this? It tastes like nothing.”

“Ugh!” Eva groaned. “Why did I think traveling with you was a good idea?”

“Says the person who literally forced me to do this,” Isak bit back.

They were at the Pasteis de Belem bakery in Lisbon Portugal, and Isak didn’t get why people literally lined up to eat these custard tarts. He would have complained some more, but the weather was great, the sun felt nice on his skin, and a guy at the neighboring table was undressing him with his eyes.

_I think I like Lisbon._

Eva had found cheap tickets to Portugal during Easter break, and she bought a pair: one for herself and one for her boyfriend at the time. However, she quickly chickened out given her commitment issues and ended up with an extra ticket and no one else to roam the streets with her.

Isak was probably the last person that Eva asked, but he was also the only one with no plans for Easter break.

“Eva, you know I hate traveling,” he muttered.

“Well, it’s time for you to get over that trauma of yours,” said Eva. “It’s been ten months since the Matías thing and I don’t recall you leaving Oslo once.”

“I like Oslo. I’m good here,” said Isak, sinking even further into the couch. “Plus, how do you expect me to leave the comfort of my apartment when Eskild is right here doing everything for me.”

“Aw my little gay godchild who shows me verbal appreciation once a year,” Eskild squealed from the kitchen.

“I told you not to call me that!” Isak yelled, rolling his eyes.

“Sorry to disappoint,” said Eskild, making his way to the living room. “But I won’t be here to clean after you and cook for you during the break anyways. I suggest you go with Eva. Lots of hot guys in Portugal.”

“Shut up, Eskild,” Isak groaned.

“Isak, you pretty much went through all of Norwegian Grindr these past months,” said Eskild. “You need some fresh faces. Someone hot and _exotic,_ you know.”

Isak’s heart did a thing. _Well. Last time I went for someone ‘hot and exotic’, he fucked me up._

“No thanks,” said Isak. “And I did not go through all of Norwegian Grindr!”

.

Isak ended up joining Eva because he was lonely and because Easter reminded him of family and of how his mother was probably feeling lonely in their home. He also decided to accept Eva’s invitation because he could see how sad she was about breaking up with her beau of the month and about her own mother never being around.

It didn’t hurt that Lisbon was cheap and that the plane ticket was free. He only had to pay for the hostel which didn’t cost that much.

.

Lisbon was great and Isak didn’t expect to like it as much as he did. They were in the Bairro Alto neighborhood drinking beer and later on cocktails until it was no longer just the two of them. Isak was dizzy because they had started drinking at the hostel, but it was okay. He was used to it now. Alcohol was good to him. It numbed most of the pain. It took most of it away.

Isak scanned the crowd, found a couple of faces he could picture being pinned under for the rest of the night, and put on his regular show.

His face probably lit up. His dimples were probably out. His voice was probably an octave higher. His eyes probably sparkled. Isak wasn’t sure, but a guy who studied literature wrote him a poem a few months prior, going into details about his eyelashes and his dimples and his ‘golden locks’ or _whatever_. Isak broke up with him almost immediately.

Isak didn’t know. It wasn’t a conscious effort. He just wanted arms around his chest later in the night. So he smiled and cracked jokes and turned on his charms.

Isak had a small problem.

.

_Isak locked himself in his room for weeks after making it back to Oslo from Argentina. Not even Eskild could get him to crack a smile. He eventually gave up when Jonas came back from Patagonia, and he finally let his walls down when he forced him out of his room._

_It was hard at first, especially when Isak found out that there were rumors about Matías and him. But with Jonas’ support, he decided to address them once and for all._

_He came out to the boys first and Magnus and Mahdi took it very well minus the occasional slip-ups._

_Eva didn’t flinch and she admitted over drinks that Noora found gay porn on his phone during their first year at Nissen._

_“What? She went through my fucking phone?!”_

_“Yeah. But like it wasn’t on purpose and she only told me I promise,” said Eva between hiccups. “Also is it true that you were sleeping with Matías the entire time I was telling you about how much I liked him?!”_

_Isak was terrified for the first couple of days, but he soon realized that he didn’t care. Not even a bit. Not even at all. Isak stopped caring, and alcohol quickly became a problem._

_Isak wasn’t stupid. He knew. He knew that whatever it was that he was doing couldn’t be healthy, but he couldn’t help it. He just wanted to feel close to someone, intimately close. And he could never pick up a guy unless he was properly drunk out of his mind._

.

“That guy over there. He’s been eye-fucking you for the last thirty minutes,” said Eva from where she sat on her bar stool.

“I have eyes, Eva.”

“Go talk to him,” she said.

“Who will walk you back to the hostel?”

“I’m not a damsel in distress. I can take care of myself!” she shrieked. “Besides Evelyn from the hostel is here, too. We’ll go together.”

“Whatever,” Isak rolled his eyes.

.

Rodrigo or Ricardo had big hands and Isak let him manhandle him. He smelled like wood and strong aftershave. He wasn’t very gentle but Isak couldn’t care less, not when he had that much alcohol flowing through his veins.

Isak couldn’t feel a damn thing but he was guessing that it probably felt nice. Isak didn’t know really. He woke up in the middle of the night, sighed in relief when he realized that they didn’t actually have sex, grabbed his stuff, grabbed his jacket, and took off for the hostel.

It wasn’t really cold but Isak still put on that _damn_ jacket. His thighs hurt from walking all around the seven hills that Lisbon was built on and his knees were bruised. _Should think twice before getting on my knees. Shit._

He awkwardly made his way back to the hostel and wondered how he even remembered where it was. He panicked for a good minute before he spotted Eva’s messy hair.

_Thank fuck._

He always felt awful leaving her behind but she knew how to handle herself, at least better than he did those last months.

Isak took off his shoes, placed that _damn_ jacket on a chair, and climbed into Eva’s bed, hugging her from behind.

“Ugh, get off of me!” she whined. “You have your own bed.”

“But my bed doesn’t have you in it,” he mumbled.

“Ugh,” she shoved him but in vain. “Did you even shower?”

“Oh, shut up!” Isak groaned.

“Isak, I’m serious! You smell like sex.”

“No, I don’t!” Isak screeched.

“Isak, I know you weren’t playing scrabble at that hottie’s place.”

“Whatever! Since when do we talk about this? And what happened to ‘sex is a natural thing and you shouldn’t feel bad for indulging in it’?”

“Don’t use my words against me right now!” said Eva. “And when did you turn into Eskild exactly?”

“Eskild? Eskild?!”

“Can you guys shut the fuck up?!” said someone in the large room in English. “Some of us are trying to sleep.”

“Who the hell is trying to sleep in a hostel?” said someone else.  

Isak could feel Eva laughing in his arms and he laughed, too.

Isak liked Eva. He liked her a lot. And after he came out, she quickly became one of his favorite people. She never judged him and she could somehow feel that he hated himself for engaging in all of these sexual activities. But he couldn’t help it. That void in his heart had to be filled somehow. And while everyone gave him the “I’m worried about you speech”, she actually took the time to tell him that it was okay and that there was nothing wrong with wanting to have someone in your bed sometimes.

In many ways, he could relate to her the most: alcohol and boys, the bane of their existence.

.

“Isak.”

“Hm?”

“Thank you for coming with me,” said Eva in the dead of the night.

“Thanks for dragging me here.”

“Anytime,” she said. "And thanks for carrying my drunk ass last night."

"Pfft! I wasn't going to leave you behind."

"Whatever. Learn to accept a 'thank you'."

"Okay, sure. You're welcome," said Isak.

.

“Isak.”

“Hm?”

“Whose jacket is that?”

“What?”

“The jacket you never part with. Whose is it?”

“Even’s,” he whispered in bed.

“Who’s Even?”

“Just a guy.”

“You’ve carried this jacket with you for like a year.”

“Ten months actually,” said Isak.

“Who is he?”

“Just someone.”

“I’m gonna need more than that,” said Eva.

“First guy I kissed. Whatever.”

“What?! Who?! Where?!”

_Just someone I think about when I’m feeling a bit sad or a bit lonely._

.

The sun was shining, and the wind was blowing, and Isak secretly loved it. He rolled his eyes at all the tourist stuff Eva made him do and at the million pictures she forced him to take of her. He wanted nothing more but to just sit down in a cafe and do nothing all day, but at least the Alfama neighborhood was nice to look at.

Thankfully, Eva got distracted by Matteo, an Italian guy from their hostel who had joined their day-trip, and she set him free at 14:00.

“Go ahead. Spread your wings Eagle!”

“Piss off, Eva.”

Isak walked for twenty minutes, maybe twenty five, before deciding to go back to the hostel.

_Whatever, I can’t handle these hills._

.

“Isak? Isak is that you?!”

His voice sent shivers down his spine before he even saw him, and Isak almost got whiplash from turning around so fast.

_Holy shit. Holy shit._

_Even._

“Even?”

“Are you kidding me?! What is this?!” said Even, a smile in his voice.

He looked so good, so freaking good in his light gray t-shirt and his raybans and his huge backpack. _Shit, fuck me. What the fuck?_

_Maybe we’re fated._

Isak couldn’t help it. He put his coffee down, walked over to Even and wrapped him in a short but tight hug.

“What the hell are you doing here?” they both said at the same time.

.

“I’m, uh, travelling with a friend,” said Isak, nervously biting his lip.

_Why am I so nervous, shit._

“Oh, you enjoy traveling now?” said Even, his smile big and wide, his hair big and soft.

“I can’t say I do, but Lisbon’s nice.”

“Wow, look at you. All smiles,” said Even, in a teasing tone. “What happened this past year? Wow!”

“Piss off,” Isak rolled his eyes then smiled. “Lots of things can happen in ten months.”

“Oh I know, trust me,” Even laughed before briefly checking his watch.

“Oh, uh, do you need to check in or something?” Isak remembered.

“It’s fine. I can do it later,” said Even, before bringing his attention back to Isak. “I can’t believe you’re right here in front of me.”

_I can’t believe it either._

“I can’t believe it either,” said Isak. “This is almost weird.”

“Weird in a good or in a bad way?”

“Good. Definitely good,” said Isak.

_Maybe. Maybe. Maybe this is a good thing. Maybe._

“How have you been? Where’s your friend?” said Even.

“I’ve been well. Eva’s running around the city with some Italian dude,” Isak sighed. “What about you?”

“Just landed in Lisbon a few hours ago. This warm weather sure feels nice.”

“Oh, were you in Norway before coming here?”

“I was in Iceland,” said Even. “Pretty mindblowing up there. Though a bit cold right now.”

“Oh wow. Do you ever hang out in Norway? Are you sure you’re Norwegian?” Isak teased.

“Ha! Fair point. I haven’t been to Norway in over two years,” said Even.

“What?! Why?”

“Doesn’t feel like home anymore,” said Even.

_What the fuck._

“Oh. Uh. I see.”

“Where’s home for you, Isak?”

“Hm?”

“When you think of home, what do you see?”

“Uh. I don’t know. My apartment?” Isak shrugged.

“I see.”

“Why?”

“No reason,” Even shrugged. “I’m hungry. Wanna eat?”

“Uh. Yeah. Sure,” said Isak.

He waited for Even to check in, settle down, and take a shower, and he was fidgeting the entire time.

_Why am I so nervous._

Isak stood in front of the shared bathrooms and waited and waited and waited.

_Fuck it._

When he went in, Even was drying his hair with nothing but a towel around his waist.

“Ha. We’re keeping the tradition going I see,” said Even, his smile so wide and so warm that Isak couldn’t help but melt.

“Oh I, uh, I just wanted to use the bathroom,” he managed.

“Just kidding, Isak.”

“I know.”

.

He waited for him to throw on some clothes while nervously fiddling with his fingers by the entrance.

“Hey you,” said Eva, out of nowhere. “Gonna take a shower and head to dinner with Matteo and Evelyn. You joining?”

“Oh, you’re back already? Uh. I. Uh-” Isak stuttered.

“What’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing-”

“Is that Norwegian I’m hearing?” said someone behind Isak. _Even._

“What?” Eva’s head turned around so fast.

“Hi!” said Even, his hair still wet, now in front of both of them. “You must be Eva.”

“Oh. Uh. Yeah that would be me,” said Eva, a bit flustered and looking up at Even.

“Nice to meet you. I’m Even.”

_A smile_ . Isak could feel his insides twist and turn. _What is it about you._

“Uh. How do you know me? Did they tell you there are other Norwegians here?” said Eva.

“No. I know Isak,” he smiled.

“What? Isak, you didn’t tell me there was another Norwegian in this hostel?”

“I just got here actually,” said Even. “We know each other from before.”

“Before? Wait. Your name is Even? Oh and the jacket-”

_Shit fuck._

“Eva, can I talk to you for a second?!” Isak interjected.

.

“What is going on? You invited him here?” said Eva.

“No. No. What the fuck?! We just met randomly. It’s so weird. I swear it wasn’t planned or anything,” said Isak.

“Oh okay. So like. Do you two have a thing? Do you know him from UiO? He’s so hot.”

“No. No. It’s just weird. It’s nothing,” said Isak.

“What do you mean it’s nothing? You’ve been carrying his jacket for months.”

“I don’t know. I just. I never actually thought I’d see him again.”

“Hm. Sounds like the universe is trying to tell you something,” said Eva. “You should go with him. I’m trying to hook up with Matteo tonight anyways.”

.

“What did she mean by ‘the jacket?’” said Even.

“Hm? What?” Isak feigned ignorance as they walked side by side around the Chiado district. “What do you mean?”

“Your friend, Eva. She mentioned something about a jacket.”

“Oh, she did?”

Isak stared into the distance but he could feel Even chuckling beside him.

.

Even dragged him to Garrafeira Alfaia, a wine bar in Bairro Alto, and ordered red wine for both of them after asking Isak if he drank.

“Red wine?” said Isak.

“Yeah it’s part of the experience,” said Even, smiling. “Let’s get portuguese snacks, too!”

Isak ate everything Even put in his plate, from the codfish cakes to the wine sausages.

“What is this?” said Isak.

“This is Morcela. It’s black pudding rice from Torcela,” said Even.

“Wait, what?”

It turned out that Even had been to Lisbon before and that he had strong opinions on what Isak should spend his time doing in the city.

“Why are you in Portugal in the first place?” said Isak.

“Because they speak portuguese here.”

“Uh. Yes. And water is wet last time I checked,” said Isak.

Even laughed and Isak smiled because he did _that._

“Are you always this brutal?” said Even.

“Yes. You haven’t noticed?”

“No, not really,” said Even, taking a sip. “To me, you’re just sweet.”

_There it is. Shit._

Isak was a flustered mess, so he shoved his face in his giant wine glass and tapped his foot to the rhythm of the Bossa Nova beat playing in the bar. _Chill._

But he didn’t miss how Even’s own face fell after he said that. _Hm?_

“So. Portuguese, huh,” said Isak very awkwardly.

“Yeah. I miss that. And this was the closest country that speaks it.”

“Huh?”

“I spent some time in Brazil after Argentina,” said Even. “Had the best time.”

“What?”

“Isak, you know they speak Portuguese in Brazil, right?”

“Oh my god, shut up.”

They laughed then Even told him about his travels and about how mind-blowing Ushuaia was.

“You should have come with me,” said Even. “It was soul cleansing, almost.”

“Now that’s just cliché,” said Isak, rolling his eyes.

“Why do you insist on hurting me whenever we meet?”

“Someone has to,” said Isak.

“You’re incredible.”

“I heard.”

Even laughed and Isak laughed, too, and it was all nice, so nice.

_Maybe third time’s the charm. Maybe._

“Did you know that they call Ushuaia the end of the world?” said Even.

“Really?”

“Yeah. It’s beautiful.”

“Isn’t cold as fuck?” said Isak.

“That, too.”

“Yeah, I’m glad I turned you down,” said Isak.

“Ouch!”

“What? Unlike you I can’t handle freezing to death with a big backpack destroying my spine,” said Isak.

“I would have kept you warm. I would have carried your backpack for you.”

“Now you’re just being rude,” said Isak.

“Rude? Me? What? Never!”

“Well, you did leave me hanging in Stockholm.”

“I left you a note!”

“How kind of you.”

Isak was on fire. It was probably the wine. It was starting to get to him.

“Sorry, I’m being a dick. I think I’m drunk,” said Isak.

“You don’t say,” said Even, reaching out to grab his glass and put it next to his.

“Hey! Don’t steal my wine!”

“It’s my wine now,” said Even.

Isak sighed and ran his hands through his massive hair. He really needed a haircut.

“You know. I felt like shit when I left you in Buenos Aires,” said Even.

“Huh?”

“For the first time in a while, I considered missing a bus and staying.”

“What?”

“Nevermind,” said Even, sitting up a bit straighter in his chair. “Sometimes I just wonder how different things would be if I had stayed behind or if you had joined me.”

Isak’s heart started doing things inside his chest and he hated it. He hated it because he asked himself the same questions quite often.

“Why?” he managed. “What do you think would have happened?”

Even sighed then chugged the rest of Isak’s glass of wine.

“Doesn’t even matter now,” said Even. “Come on. Let’s go walk by the Marina.”

.

They walked and the breeze felt nice on Isak’s skin. It sobered him up a bit and he was slowly coming back to his senses. He kept jumping whenever Even bumped against him. He was taken back to their night in Stockholm when Even seemed to be doing that deliberately. He wasn’t as teasing and playful now. Isak noticed. He almost put more distance between them whenever they got too close, and it stung a bit because the night was perfect and Isak just wanted to hold his hand.

.

They sat outside at one of the bars and talked about Brazil and about how Isak should definitely go one day. The drinks were a bit more expensive at the Marina, but it was okay. The view of the bridge made up for it.

Isak was about to tell Even that he went to UiO when someone stopped in front of their table.

“Hey.”

Isak’s head turned really quickly to land on Rodrigo or Ricardo from the previous night. _Shit._

“Uh, hey!” said Isak, sounding a bit too alarmed.

“Just wanted to tell you that I had a great time last night and would love a redo,” said Ricardo or Rodrigo.

“Oh. Uh. Thanks. But I’m a bit busy,” Isak stuttered, his face probably red. _Dammit._

He glanced at Even and was surprised to find him looking a bit aggravated.

“I’m gonna leave you my number in case you change your mind,” said Rodrigo or Ricardo, before placing a piece of paper in front of Isak’s table and walking away.

.

“Uh. That was uh, just this guy, uh,” Isak fumbled with words.

“You don’t have to explain anything to me, Isak” said Even.

“Why do you sound upset?”

“Because what if I didn’t know anything about you? Why would he just out you like this?” said Even.

“What?”

“Nevermind. Sorry.”

.

Isak sipped on his Margarita and watched students from Denmark sing Karaoke. They were completely drunk. They looked eighteen at most.

“Wanna do it?” said Even.

“Huh?”

“Karaoke.”

“No way, are you crazy?” said Isak.

“Well yeah actually, half the time.”

.

Isak and Even walked back to their hostel side by side, and Isak was surprised by how natural it all felt. It was cheesy and cliché but he felt like he had known him his whole life in many ways. He was comfortable with him. He felt good, and anticipation started building at the pit of his stomach.

_Tell me I’m sweet again and I’ll drop to my fucking knees._

“I had fun today,” said Even. “Thanks for hanging out with me.”

“No problem. I had a good time,” said Isak.

“I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Uh yeah. Sure.”

“Cool. I’m gonna hang out in the patio for a while tonight. Skype date,” said Even.

“Oh, you actually have friends?” said Isak. “I’m shocked.”

“Ha! Funny,” Even laughed. “I wish. Nah. It’s my fiancée.”

Isak laughed. “Very funny.”

“What?”

“What?”

“What’s funny?” Even was no longer smiling.

“You’re getting married?” Isak laughed.

“Yes.”

“Oh.”

.

Isak punched the door and nearly threw the jacket away. _Of course. Of fucking course._

He thought back to the entire day and Even’s only slip-up was when he told him he was sweet. He was looking at his phone and at his watch frequently and he did not touch him. Not even once. _I’m so fucking dumb._

.

“How did it go with you soulmate?” said Eva.

“Piss off,” said Isak.

“What?”

“He has a fiancée.”

“I’m talking about the hot Norwegian guy, not Matías,” said Eva.

“He has a fiancée, too. Can you believe it?”

.

Isak spent the following day with Eva and Matteo and only felt like throwing up every time the two started making out in random alleys, which was all the time.

He was angry and irritated and he wasn’t even sure why. Even never promised him anything. It wasn’t his fault Isak expected him to have a life as void as his. _People meet people and fall in love unlike you, you piece of shit._

Isak spent the entire day angry but eventually realized that he was being stupid and that he shouldn’t waste his vacation on this. He was just going to avoid Even. That was his plan. So he pulled out Rodrigo or Ricardo -- whose name turned out to be Pedro -- ‘s note from his pocket and shot him a message.

.

“I haven’t seen you all day,” said Even the moment Isak got out of the shower.

_Dammit._

“Oh hey. I, uh, I was doing stuff with Eva,” said Isak.

“I see. I hung out with Laura today. We went to Sintra. It’s gorgeous! I looked for you to suggest it but I couldn’t find you.”

“Oh. Well, it’s okay. Thanks though.”

“Any plans tonight?” said Even.

“Uh.”

Even’s face fell the moment Pedro set foot in the hostel, and Isak was too confused and embarrassed to ponder on it.

“I’ll see you.”

“Have a lovely night, Isak,” said Even.

.

Pedro didn’t take him out for wine and dragged him directly to his apartment. Isak didn’t mind. He had drunk a bit at the hostel.

Pedro didn’t talk and Isak didn’t mind. This was good. This was what he needed. Isak was a bit more desperate than usual but it was okay. He bit and scratched and turned around before he was ready and it hurt but _whatever._

.

He gathered his things and walked back to the hostel with pain in his lower back. When he got to the patio, Even was there. He was skyping with _her._

Isak smiled then all but ran to the bathroom. _Shit. Why does it burn. Why do I feel like crying. What the fuck._

.

“Had a good night?” said Even, the moment he walked into the kitchen.

“I’ve had better nights.”

“Me too,” said Even.

“How’s, uh, your fiancée doing?”

_What the fuck._

“She’s doing well,” said Even. “I think.”

“What’s her name?” said Isak. _fuck it._

“Daysi.”

“Where’s that from?”

“Brazil.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.

.

“I met her my first night in Brazil. She’s so lovely and nice and bright,” said Even. “I think you’d like her.”

_Stab me._

“Oh cool,” said Isak. “I’m happy for you.”

“Thanks.”

“Of course.”

.

“So who was that guy? In Argentina? What happened?” said Even.

They were both in the patio now. The wind was blowing and the sky was clear and they were sharing a joint.

“Doesn’t matter now,” said Isak.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” said Even. “As long as you can still open your heart to people. It doesn’t matter.”

.

“I’ll see you tomorrow?” said Even.

“Yeah.”

“Wanna go to the beach?”

“Okay.”

“Goodnight, Isak.”

“Goodnight, Even.”

.

The next day, they took the train to Praia de Carcavelos and Even looked great shirtless. He looked really great and Isak felt really stupid. _What am I doing?_

The water was cold, so cold, despite the warm weather. Even was dipping his feet and it was too good of an opportunity, so Isak lunged at him and pushed him into the water. He hadn’t really thought his plan through because Even dragged him with him and they were both freezing in the ocean now.

“Shit! It’s so fucking cold!” Isak shrieked.

“What? This is warm compared to some places I swam in,” said Even.

“Oh excuse me Mister “I traveled the world and go on adventures”!”

Even splashed him with water, and Isak did the same. They laughed until they no longer could, and Even looked so good with his hair wet and down on his face. Isak really really wanted to reach out and push his hair off his forehead and kiss him or _something. Fuck me._

For a moment, they just looked into each other’s eyes in the water, and Isak’s heart was threatening to jump out of his chest because Even wasn’t dropping his gaze. _This is so fucking unfair._

But then Even did. He looked away and literally went underwater.

Isak regained his breath and waited for him to come back up. He couldn’t help but panic for a second when he realized that Even was taking his sweet time down there.

When he came back up, Isak couldn’t help but laugh.

“What were you doing down there?”

“Why? You thought I died?” said Even.

“Yeah, I got so scared,” Isak joked.

.

“I can’t believe you came back up for air after two seconds,” Even laughed.

“I had a drop of water in my throat!”

“Yeah right.”

They laughed before diving back underwater together.

This was by far the silliest thing Isak had ever done, yet he found himself opening his eyes in the middle of the ocean just to catch a glimpse of Even. But he couldn’t see a thing.

So when Even’s hand grabbed his, he almost swallowed water.

.

Isak ended up swallowing water and going up for air first, and it wasn’t fair.

“You’re an asshole,” said Isak, coughing.

“I still won.”

“Yeah, well you cheated!”

“You think there are rules here?” said Even, his smile larger than life. _Gosh._

Isak gave up because it was so unfair. He gave up and went back to the sand first.

.

“When are you heading back to Oslo?” said Even.

They were sitting on the same towel.

“In two days,” said Isak. “Wait. How do you know I’m from Oslo?”

“Uh. I don’t know. You just look like you’re from Oslo.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing,” Even coughed. “So you’re resuming classes?”

“Yeah.”

“What do you want to be?”

“What do you mean?” said Isak.

“What’s your dream job?”

“I’m studying to be a surgeon,” said Isak.

“Oh, that’s cool.”

“What about you?”

“I don’t know. I picked up photography lately. I like it,” said Even.

“Wait, so you don’t have a job? How do you afford all this traveling?” said Isak.

“I don’t reveal my secrets so easily.”

“Pfft. So like you have an instagram or something?”

“No. I don’t do social media,” said Even.

“Uh. Okay. So what do you do with these pictures then?”

“I sell them.”

“Hm. I see,” said Isak. “You should create an instagram.”

“Why would I do that? I travel mostly for me, not for other people.”

“So pretentious,” said Isak.

“Oh come on,” Even laughed. “But why would I create an instagram then?”

“I don’t know. It would be nice to know where you are in the world.”

“Oh.”

“Like in general you know. I mean I don’t even know your last name,” said Isak.

“I don’t know yours either.”

“That’s not the point.”

.

“So when are you getting married?” said Isak.

“I don’t know.”

“You haven’t planned the big wedding?”

“No, not really,” said Even. “Part of me wonders if this is even real.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know. Daysi is an amazing girl but I don’t know. I don’t even remember proposing to her,” said Even.

“What?!”

“Shit.”

“Wait. So you were like drunk?” said Isak.

“Something like that. I only knew her for two months.”

“Are you serious?!”

“Yeah.”

Isak couldn’t believe it. But at the same time, he couldn’t help but feel happy. He felt happy because maybe this wasn’t as serious as he thought, maybe he had a shot, maybe-

“But I love her,” said Even, putting a stop to whatever thoughts were in his head. “I would never want to hurt her. So this is probably for the best anyways.”

“Oh. Uh. Yeah. I guess. Do what you want, you know.”

_Shit. It hurts._

“You think? Everybody thinks I’m making the biggest mistake in my life and is telling me that I don't know how I feel.”

“Uh. I mean. Only you can feel what you feel, you know. So.”

“Only I can feel what I feel,” Even repeated.

“Yeah.”

“That’s nice. Thank you,” said Even.

“What for?”

“For telling me what I needed to hear.”

.

“I’m sorry for leaving you alone in Argentina,” said Even, on the train back.

“Why are you sorry? You don’t owe me anything,” said Isak.

“But still. You were so sad. I just wanted to cheer you up.”

“I survived.”

“You did.”

Isak smiled and turned his attention to the window.

“I can’t help but wonder where I would be if I had stayed with you,” said Even.

Isak turned around and smiled. “Right here. You would probably be right here with me.”

.

Isak took a shower, planted a kiss to Eva’s hair, slipped some condoms in her purse, and headed out for his date with Pedro.

Even was smoking a cigarette on the stairs.

“Plans for the night?” said Even.

“Yeah.”

“The guy from yesterday?”

“Yeah.”

“Have fun.”

“Thanks,” said Isak.

For some reason, he decided to sit down next to him while waiting for Pedro to show up.

“What are _you_ doing tonight?” said Isak.

“Probably going up to Miradouro da Senhora do Monte,” said Even. “Best view of the city. Cool sunset spot, too.”

“Sounds nice.”

“Join me?” said Even.

“I’ll pass, sorry.”

.

Isak was in a café with Pedro, and he realized that when he wasn’t pressing his fingers into his skin, he was actually a decent person to hang out with.

He got bored after ten minutes, however, and all he could think about was Even watching the sunset alone.

.

“You left like twenty minutes ago,” said Even, still on those _damn_ stairs.

“Yeah, well I’m back,” said Isak.

“Cheap date?”

“The cheapest.”

.

The view was truly amazing, and Isak knew. He knew it in his heart that Lisbon would stay with him forever. The sunset was beautiful, and Even was beautiful, and his heart was drumming in his ears. He had to wake up at four in the morning to make it to the airport on time and this was probably the last time he was ever going to see Even. Even who was getting married to a girl named Daysi that he randomly met in Brazil because he wouldn’t join him for his travels.

_Fate is cruel in a way._

“We keep missing each other,” said Even, staring into the distance.

“Hm?”

“I don’t know. Just a thought,” said Even. “It’s like the universe keeps pushing us together when we’re most definitely not ready.”

_I’m ready this time._

“Maybe.”

They walked side by side in the narrow alleys and the not so narrow alleys. Isak’s legs hurt from walking but he didn’t care.

“Do you think we’ll meet again?” said Even.

“I don’t know. I hope so,” said Isak.

“Even when I’m married?”

“Even when you’re married.”

“I’m sorry I’m such a dick. I didn’t forget that we made out twice. I hope you know that,” said Even.

“I know. It’s okay,” said Isak. “We don’t have to make out.”

“Yeah. We can be friends,” said Even, now turning around to face Isak.

“Yeah, friends,” Isak repeated, his eyes darting to Even’s lips.

He couldn’t help it.

They stayed like that facing each other, staring into each other’s eyes for a good while. Isak couldn’t handle it. His face was probably flushed. He hated everything. He really wanted to kiss him.

“I,” Even mumbled. “I just-”

“What? You just what?” Isak whispered, his hands now curled around Even’s shirt.

_Fuck it._

“Fuck,” Even muttered.

“What? Even, what?” Isak moved closer, his chest heaving and full of hope, full of something he couldn’t even describe.

But then Even took a step back and put an end to his little dream sequence.

“I’m sorry. I can’t. I’m sorry,” said Even.

“Uh. It’s okay. I’m sorry for. Uh. Overstepping. I’m sorry.”

.

Isak woke up at four in the morning and carried his bag and Eva’s to the lobby. He couldn’t believe she was still kissing Matteo at such an ungodly hour, but she probably hadn’t had any sleep at all.

He watched them as they sighed into each other’s mouths and felt bitter and jealous and pissed. _Why can’t I have this._

Isak and Eva checked out and ordered an uber because public transportation didn’t exist so early in the morning (and Uber was now legal again). They waited by the steps and Eva ended up dozing off on his shoulder. It was still completely dark outside.

He was yawning when Even appeared out of nowhere.

“Isak!”

“Huh? What are you doing up?” Isak whispered, before getting up and leaning Eva’s head against the wall instead of his shoulder. She was sound asleep.

“Uh. I just. I don’t know. I wanted to give you my note. You’re the one leaving this time,” said Even.

“I should be the one leaving a note then,” said Isak.

“Nah. We have to keep the tradition going.”

“Tradition?”

“Yeah,” said Even, smiling before putting a folded piece of paper in the pockets of Isak’s (Even’s) jacket.

“Thanks. I’ll pin that to my wall as well,” said Isak, smiling.

“I’m honored.”

“You should be.”

Even laughed then straightened Isak’s jacket by pulling at it.

“I like this jacket on you better,” said Even.

“I can’t say I feel the same way.”

“You’re still flirting with me.”

“I’m still flirting with you,” said Isak. "I'm a terrible person, you see."

"Lies," said Even. "You're a good person. I hope you know that. I mean it."

_Uh. No. No, I'm not._

They stood there awkwardly until the uber car showed up. Even helped a half asleep Eva into the car and helped put their bags in the trunk.

“Uh, thanks,” said Isak.

His door was open and he was about to get in.

“Of course,” said Even. “I’ll see you in some other country I guess?”

“Yeah.”

Isak almost had a foot in the car when he remembered something.

“Oh, uh. Even?”

“Yeah?” Even got closer to the car.

“It’s Valtersen,” said Isak. “My last name. It’s Valtersen.”

“Oh.”

“If you want to look me up or something.”

“Okay. Uhm-”

“You don’t have to tell me yours-”

“Bech Næsheim. Even Bech Næsheim.”

“Even Bech Næsheim,” Isak repeated.

“Isak Valtersen.”

Isak was probably losing his _damn_ mind, but he couldn’t help it. He couldn’t. He had never felt this overwhelmed before. He had never felt so connected to someone before.

_Dammit._

Before he could overthink it, he cupped Even’s face in both hands, got on his tiptoes, hunched his shoulders, and pressed a kiss to his lips. Just a peck, it was just a peck, but he poured his heart into that _damn_ peck.

When he opened his eyes, Even’s arms were still by his sides and his eyes fluttered open in slowmotion.

“Uh. I--”

“It’s tradition,” said Isak. “Goodbye, Even.”

He got in the car and closed the door behind him and never looked back.

.

“You okay?” said Eva.

“Yeah.”

“What happened?”

“Nothing.”

_He didn’t kiss me back._

.

Isak opened Even’s note the moment they boarded their flight and smiled to himself.

.

 

 

 

> May we meet again, in a life where I can kiss you again.
> 
> Take care of yourself <3
> 
> \- Even

.

When they met again, it was in the Moroccan desert. Isak was begrudgingly dealing with the tension between Sana and Vilde. And Even was heartbroken and most definitely not married.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <33 Leave a comment if you felt something or if you didn't <333  
> I hope you're ready for Morocco next chapter. I'm so excited to write it and I hope you'll read it.  
> I'm in love with Lisbon and I had a similar experience there. Not half as epic but still. I will always carry Lisbon in my heart <3.  
> I hope you liked this and I would love to hear what you thought about it.  
> .  
> Even :(. What happened is pretty obvious but yeah. What do you think happened with the whole proposal thing? Even has stuff going on in this verse. He's running away. He hasn't been to Norway in two+ years. What happened? Can Isak convince him to come back? Stay tuned <33\. (I have a friend who recently announced he's getting married to his girlfriend of two months from Brazil, so I got inspiration from that <3 (if you're reading this don't hit me omg))
> 
> Isak. I read your comments about his characterization and yes he'll be a bit different in every chapter because of time but not really. This is a different verse but it's still Isak, so you'll often see similarities to my other verses <3\. I played myself starting this verse because I have to pick up where I left off and explain Isak's psych every time (I love it. It hurts me but I love it haha).  
> In this chapter, he is 'out'. He is confident. He has game. He is no longer scared but he still hates himself. He's drowning his sorrows in alcohol and boys, but he's sweet. I really wanted to depict a cute friendship between Eva and him, and I hope it resonated with you. Next chapter, we get to hang out with Sana and Vilde and Isak (and maybe more) in Morocco.  
> .  
> Send me locations <3333 It can be an alley or a bookstore or a street that you like. I think I'll have a eurotrip chapter soon because otherwise I will end up with 50 chapters lol. I have so much content planned for Venise, Prague, Vienna, and Paris, thank you SO MUCH!!! Would love more <3\. Yes, I'm also planning on sending them to Asia (which country? Stay tuned.) *hugs*.  
> ilyyyy and thank you for reading.


	4. Morocco: In case you felt like kissing me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm gonna miss you," said Isak.  
> "I miss you already."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay <3\. The show is getting super intense and I cannot concentrate on writing. Some parts were very difficult for me to write. Morocco is my country of birth. So this means a lot to me. Hope you like this. *hugs*  
> .  
> ps: Sorry about the double upload last chapter. I think it does that when I edit my notes from my phone idk? Sorry. *hugss*

“I’m not sleeping in a tent,” said Vilde. “I heard there are snakes and scorpions and stuff. No way!”

“Why the hell did you want to come to the desert, then? Are you serious right now, Vilde?!” said Sana.

“The website showed rooms, too. They showed buildings and stuff,” said Vilde.

“Vilde! We’re in the middle of the damn desert! What do you mean buildings?!” Sana groaned.

Isak sighed and ran a hand across his face. _Why the fuck did I agree to this._

They had just arrived to their campground at Merzouga, a village in the Moroccan Sahara, and Sana was already about to poke Vilde’s eyes out.

“Vilde, I told you it was a tented camp before we left Marrakech,” said Isak.

“But how can we sleep in tents? Like what if something attacks us in the middle of the night. We don’t even have doors!” said Vilde.

“Fuck this,” Sana groaned loudly, picking up her bags, and heading to the reception. “Go back to Erfoud then. I don’t care!”

Isak followed her. _We’re already here whatever._

.

It was October, and Isak was in Morocco with Sana and Vilde because he was probably out of his _damn_ mind.

Isak didn’t like to talk about it but Portugal changed him. He knew it. He knew it deep in his heart that he was a changed person. And when Chris Berg walked up to him with a bottle of Vodka for him to chug like he always did at parties after the Matías incident, he respectfully declined.

“What? Isak, not getting wasted? What is this?” said Chris.

“I’ll stick to beer,” Isak laughed. “Don’t wanna wake up on a toilet seat tomorrow.”

“Since when are you boring? Is this the end of our friendship?”

“Oh piss off. I just don’t wanna get drunk and do stupid shit with people whose names I don’t even remember anymore. I’m done with that.”

“What? You’re turning your back on your slutty roots?”

“Shut up, Chris!” Isak groaned.

“Is this what they call character development?” she smiled.

“Piss off.”

.

_Isak looked up Even Bech Næsheim three days after he got back to Oslo. He couldn’t help it. He started with Facebook, then gave up on social media when he realized that this boy was nowhere to be found._

_He waited another day before literally googling his name. And his heart jumped when he found a video of him from 2014. According to it, Even went to Bakka and his best friend at the time was called Mikael._ Wow. So he is from Oslo.

_Isak watched that video a few times, feeling butterflies in his stomach whenever Even smiled or laughed or did anything at all._ Gosh I like you so much.

_But then he remembered that it was pointless and that Even was getting married to a girl named Daysi._

_It was tough, really tough, but he stopped thinking about him and focused on school instead. He stored his Denim jacket in his closet and only took it out and wore it when things got tough._

_It was comforting. The simple thought of Even was comforting. And when Isak felt lonely and alone, he went to bed early and dreamed of soft beaches and pink skies and red wine in cozy bars. He dreamed of soft glances and feathery touches. He dreamed of big soft hands on his face and on his hips. Isak dreamed a lot alright. But still._

_Isak was in a good place._

.

When Vilde asked him to be her fake boyfriend for a couple of weeks, Isak scoffed, rolled his eyes, and told her to go ruin someone else’s day.

“Isak, please? I’m serious,” said Vilde.

“What the fuck, Vilde? I am gay. G a y. A homosexual,” said Isak. “Half of Norway knows that already. Who are you trying to fool?”

It turned out that Sana’s cousin was getting married in Morocco, and that she invited Vilde to the wedding. Vilde accepted but realized that she felt unsafe traveling to Morocco alone without a male accompanying her.

“What the fuck, Vilde? Do you realize how terrible and racist that sounds?” said Isak.

“What? I read online that blondes get targeted and that men assume you’re a slut if you don’t have a boyfriend.”

“That’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard in my life,” said Isak.

“What?! I’m serious! I read all these posts by white women getting harassed over there. And I really want to go because it would mean a lot to Sana but I’m scared.”

“This is so offensive! Does Sana know you’re saying this shit? Why would she invite you? Why does she like you so much?” Isak groaned. “Besides why don’t you ask Magnus, your actual boyfriend? What the hell?”

“Magnus is busy interviewing for jobs. You know that!” said Vilde. “You still have many years of school because you’re studying to be a doctor.”

“I’m busy, too. Vilde!”

“Please!”

“No fucking way.”

.

“I heard you’re coming with us,” said Sana at the campus cafeteria.

“Huh?”

“Vilde asked me to invite you to the wedding as well. She said you really need a distraction from school. Are you okay? Stressed with exams?”

“What the hell?”

“You look like you could use a break. Already asked my aunts if a grumpy Norwegian boy could join and she said yes,” said Sana, smiling.

“Sana, I have no idea what kind of bullshit Vilde has been telling you but I’m not-” Isak paused. “Why are you smiling so much? It’s weird.”

“I’m not smiling!” said Sana.

“Yes, you are.”

“Whatever. It’s just. I don’t know. It’s cool knowing that you wanna go to a Muslim country and learn stuff about the culture and go to a Moroccan wedding, you know?” said Sana. “It’s nice knowing that at least my friends aren’t racist.”

“Huh?”

Isak was taken back to their immunology class the previous year when Sana had finally snapped at their classmate Olivia for all her racist comments. _“Are you even allowed to operate on naked bodies when you’re muslim?” What a bitch,_ Isak thought every time. He knew that Sana dealt with a lot of _crap_ from everyone and sighed.

.

Isak said yes. He had saved some money by working during the summer, and he really wanted to go somewhere anyways. (And no, it wasn’t because Even made him fall in love with traveling, nope.)

He googled “Gay Travel in Morocco” at the very last moment and had a mild moment of panic. _Shit. Simply being gay is illegal in this country. People get thrown in jail for being gay. What?_

But Isak had already booked his tickets and couldn’t afford to chicken out at the very last moment. Besides, he was there to be Vilde’s fake boyfriend and _savior_ , so _what the hell._

.

Isak didn’t mind the tent. It wasn’t as bad as he thought it would be. Sharing a tent with Sana and Vilde was another story, however.

Sana was angry. She found out about Vilde’s plan and about the reason Isak was there in the first place on the plane, and she barely spoke a word to her during their entire two-day stay in Marrakech. They had booked three days in the desert before having to go to Fès for the wedding.

_Fuck me._

.

It was warm and hot during the day but not as hot as he imagined it would be. It was also breathtaking. The dunes, the sand, the warm colors, the nothingness at the horizon. It was simply breathtaking.

Isak settled into the tent and went back to the reception to charge his phone.

“What are you looking for?” said a man in his thirties with a warm smile on his face. He looked like he worked there and his English was really good.

“Uh. A plug. For my phone. I want to charge my phone,” said Isak.

“There’s a power outlet behind this wall,” said the man.

“Oh. Thank you,” said Isak.

“Has anyone ever told you you look like this French footballer?” said the man.

“What?”

“Antoine Griezmann. Do you know him?”

_Fuck my life. Not this again._

“Yes, I know him,” Isak smiled and hoped it looked genuine. “And I get that sometimes.”

The man laughed then extended his hand.

“My name is Abdesslam. I work here,” he said.

“Isak. Nice to meet you,” said Isak, shaking his hand.

“Where are you from, Isak?”

“Uh. Norway.”

“Norway? Oh, we have someone else from Norway here,” said Abdesslam.

“Yeah, I got here today with two friends from Norway,” said Isak.

“No. No. He has been here for a week.”

“Oh.”

_No way. No fucking way._

“Uh, what does he look like?” said Isak with anticipation building inside his chest. “Uh, I mean. Is he blond? Does he have blonde hair?”

“Uhm. Yes. I think so.”

_Fuck me. That means nothing but-_

“He’s blond and very very tall. His neck is so long. It’s crazy,” said Abdesslam.

_No fucking way._

Then Isak remembered. He remembered that Even was probably married now.

“Uh. Is he here with a girl? Did you see him with someone?” said Isak.

“Yes. He’s almost always with a girl. But she doesn’t look like she’s from Norway. They speak English.”

.

Isak ran back to his tent and lay down on the bed. _Fuck my life._

He took several breaths then pulled himself together and went back to have lunch at four in the afternoon. _Whatever. I’ll be fine._

There were set times for meals on the campground and Isak knew that they were going to meet this Norwegian guy, whoever he was, whether he wanted it or not.

.

His heart stopped the minute he saw him enter the lunchroom. _No way. No fucking way._

He was wearing a blue shirt, denim shorts, and his raybans. He looked beautiful as always. Behind him stood a girl with tanned skin and dark wavy hair. She was gorgeous.

Isak felt sick. He felt sick and sad, but he still stood up from his chair and walked up to him. He couldn’t help it. Simply seeing him again was enough. So he left his heart in the corner for a moment to take him in, to talk to him, to be near him. Simply being near him was enough.

“Even,” he breathed hard, his eyes probably sparkling.

“Oh my god! Isak?”

.

Isak didn’t know what he expected. But he didn’t expect Even to literally lift him off the ground and wrap his arms around his back.

“Fuck, I missed you,” Even sighed against his neck, making Isak’s head spin with his scent.  

_Oh my god. What the hell is this._

When he put him down, Isak nearly lost his balance, his knees threatening to give out.

“Uh, hi. Shit. What is this?” said Isak.

“Fate. I’m telling you!” said Even, smiling and setting fire to Isak’s heart.

“Uh, hi,” said the girl behind Even.

_Oh. Back to reality._

“Hi!” said Isak, his heart in his throat. He extended his hand and tried his best to smile. “Nice to finally meet you, Daysi.”

“Uh. That’s not my name,” she said. “I’m Rania.”

“Oh.”

When Isak looked at Even, his smile was gone and his eyes had lost their sparkle.

.

Even grabbed him around five, and they left the campground to wander around the dunes. Even wasn’t looking at him. He just stared off into the distance, looking pensive and somewhat small. They eventually picked a dune and sat down, and Isak’s heart was about to leap out of his chest. _What is going on._

Even silently pulled out a joint from his pocket and lit it beside him. Isak had a million questions, but none of them mattered as much as this one.

“How are you?” said Isak.

Even smiled and looked down at his hands.

“I’m good,” he said, taking a drag. “How are you?”

“I’m good.”

“Have you been taking care of yourself?” said Even.

“Yeah. You?”

“Not really.”

They smoked silently on the dune, Isak nearly collapsing every time their fingers brushed, every time their shoulders bumped. They smoked until there was nothing left to smoke.

“What are you doing here?” said Even.

“My friend’s cousin is getting married in Fès. I’m here with her and another friend,” said Isak.

“This is a bit out of character for you,” said Even, smiling.

“Oh, shut up,” Isak rolled his eyes.

“Careful. I’m gonna start thinking you enjoy traveling.”

“I was basically forced to come here,” said Isak.

“Of course. As always.”

“Piss off!” Isak laughed. And Even laughed, too.

“What are _you_ doing here?” said Isak.

“I don’t know,” said Even. “Rania dragged me here.”

“Rania,” Isak repeated.

“Yeah, she’s a friend. She was my airbnb host in Chefchaouen,” said Even.

“Chefcha- what? Where is that?”

“Chefchaouen. It’s a city in the mountains. Northwest of Morocco. It’s called the blue city,” said Even. “You absolutely have to go if you came all the way here.”

“Eh. I’m pretty booked. Sorry,” said Isak. “Lots of stuff to see.”

“Let me guess. You’re going to Marrakech to Jamaa El Fna, then maybe to Rabat where there’s nothing to do. Then you’ll go to the wedding in Fès and never actually go to the Old Medina,” said Even.

“Okay first of all, you’re very rude and annoying. Second, I don’t plan where we go and stuff and I don’t know what you’re talking about. Third, okay yes I may have done that in Marrakech.”

Even laughed. He laughed with crinkled eyes and hands thrown up in the air, and it was the sweetest sound.

“Are you done?” said Isak, but really he wanted him to laugh forever.

“Oh gosh. You kill me.”

“Good.”

“No but really. Chefchaouen is amazing and you should go. It’s so calming and so blue and the landscapes are breathtaking. Also there aren’t tourists around every corner like in Marrakech. I mean there are tourists but not as much. They also sell the best hash in the country,” said Even.

“Hash?”

“Yup. You know. Hashish. Where do you think I got this?” he gestured to the finished joint.

“Right. Of course.”

“It’s also a good place to just wind down. I spent like a month there,” said Even.

“A month? What? Why?”

“Yeah. Well, uhm,” Even seemed to have remembered something because he stopped smiling.

“What?”

“Nothing. It just. I don’t know. I was a bit down and I couldn’t exactly leave.”

Isak didn’t know what to say. The air was suddenly filled with tension. _What does this mean. Where is Daysi. Is Daysi still a thing?_

“So you hung out with your airbnb host for so long that she decided to travel with you?” Isak said instead.

“Yeah. We became good buds. She forced me to come here.”

“That makes two of us,” said Isak.

Even smiled then turned his head so that he was facing Isak. His gaze was too intense, too everything. And Isak didn’t know what to do.

They spent a few moments just looking at each other in perfect silence. Breathing hurt.

“I’m glad your friends forced you to come here,” Even finally spoke.

“I’m glad your airbnb host forced you to come here,” said Isak.

Even smiled and Isak’s heart, gosh, his heart was about to explode. He looked so _damn_ beautiful under the golden light. The sun was about to set, and the sky was gold, gold, gold. Isak was so happy that the universe brought them together again. So _freaking_ happy. So he took Even’s hand. He took it because he could, and because Daysi was probably not a thing anymore.

“How- how are you, Even?” he asked.

Even looked down on their hands and caressed the back of Isak’s with his thumb. They were touching. This was great.

“Honestly?” said Even.

“Yeah honestly.”

Even took a long breath, and Isak stopped breathing altogether.

“I’m fucking heartbroken.”

.

Daysi was no longer a thing but Isak wasn’t a thing either.

They walked back together to their campground after sunset and Isak had to disappear into his tent for a few minutes. He just had to pull himself together.

“You okay?” said Vilde.

“Shit, I didn’t know you were here,” Isak jumped.

“Yeah well. Sana hates me now. So I have to get out of the way.”

“You know that it’s your fault, right?”

“Yeah,” said Vilde. “But what’s up with you? You looked weird.”

“I don’t look weird.”

“Who was that guy in the lunchroom earlier?

“What guy?” said Isak.

“The guy you ran away with. The tall hot guy.”

“Uh. I don’t know. Just a guy.”

“Isak, we’ve been here for two hours. How do you do it?” said Vilde.

“Shut up! I know him from before, okay?”

“Okay,” said Vilde. “Looks like Sana knows him, too. She was talking to him earlier.”

“What?!”

.

“Do you know Even?”

“Who?” said Sana.

“Vilde said she saw you talking to Even. The Norwegian guy. He’s in this camp, too.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” said Sana.

“Sana? Come on, I thought we were friends?!”  

“Yeah, well friends don’t fucking lie to their friends, Isak!” Sana bit back.

_Oh. Yeah. I technically lied too._

“I’m sorry! I already apologized. It was Vilde’s idea.”

“Whatever, Isak! And I’m not telling you about Even. Ask him yourself.”

.

There was a campfire at night and Isak sat as far away as possible from all the commotion. There was music and chanting and dancing and Isak wasn’t in the mood for any of that.

“Hey,” said Even, before sitting down next to him. “Finally found you.”

“Oh, hey.”

“You’re not dancing?”

“Please, look at me,” Isak rolled his eyes. “Do I look like the dancing type?”

“Yes, you do. Everybody is the dancing type if they feel like it.”

“Bullshit.”

“What?”

“Some people simply don’t dance,” said Isak.

“I bet I can make you.”

“You’re setting yourself up for disappointment.”

“I like me a challenge,” said Even, smiling.

“You just don’t give up, do you?”

“I do. I give up sometimes. But whenever I do, you somehow appear in front of me.”

_Huh._

“What?” said Isak.

“Nothing. I’m going dancing,” said Even, getting off the floor. “Join me?”

“No way.”

.

Isak watched Even run around in circles with the rest of the tourists in the camp. He watched him smile and sing along and clap and move his awkwardly long body along to the beat. Isak couldn’t help it. He smiled and smiled and smiled. Even was ridiculous.

_I like you so much._

Even was holding hands with Vilde and Rania and they were running around with some Japanese tourists. And _no._ Isak did not want to join them. Not even a little bit.

Even Sana ended up joining the circle, and Isak was left alone to gloat.

_I’m such a fucking asshole._

.

“You missed out,” said Even.

“Nah. I’m good.”

“I can see it on your face.”

“What?”

“Regret.”

“Oh, piss off,” said Isak, before getting off the ground.

“Plans for the rest of the night?” said Even.

“Well, I don’t know if you’ve noticed but we’re literally in the middle of the desert and it’s dark. So I don’t know what you’re asking here,” said Isak.

“Gosh. Do you ever stop?”

“No. Never. It’s impossible for me to stop.”

“Good. Because I don’t want you to,” said Even.

_Stop._

“Wanna go stargazing with me?” said Even.

“Stargazing?”

“Yeah. We can walk a bit and just look at the stars.”

“Uh.”

.

Isak lay on his back on the cold sand with Even right beside him. The night sky looked incredible and Isak couldn’t believe he hadn’t thought of looking up.

“Wow,” he sighed.

“I know right?” said Even.

“It’s like in those wallpapers for your laptop.”

“Do you always ruin everything?” said Even.

“As a matter of fact, yes, I do.”

Even laughed.

“You’re right. It’s like a postcard or a scene from a movie. It’s so epic,” said Even.

“Epic? Really?”

“Yeah. I can’t think of another word. It’s like you look at it and you feel insignificant and larger than life at the same time. You realize just how big the universe is.”

“The universe,” Isak repeated.

“Yeah.”

“I think the universe hates me.”

“Why?” said Even, turning around to his side and propping himself on his elbow to look at Isak.

_Because I can’t have nice things._

“Because it keeps dangling what I want right in front of me but won’t let me have it,” said Isak, still looking at the sky, not looking at Even.

His heart was about to burst out of this chest. He still couldn’t believe that he was right there with Even, in the middle of the desert, looking at the stars and talking about the universe. He couldn’t believe that the one person that occupied all of this thoughts for six months was right there beside him.

“Is that me?” said Even. It was almost a whisper.

“What?”

“The thing that you want.”

_Fuck me._

“Yeah,” said Isak, still not looking at him, still holding on.

Even’s hands were in his hair now, and Isak’s chest was being split in half. _Oh gosh._

“I’m not good for you,” said Even, burying his fingers in Isak’s hair. “You shouldn’t want me.”

Isak’s chest was heaving, and he didn’t know what to say. _I just do._

“Why aren’t you good for me?” he managed.

“I’m not good for anyone.”

Isak finally decided to stop looking at the starry sky and to look at what he wanted to get lost in. He turned around and was surprised by how the moonlight was enough to lit up Even’s face. He could see him perfectly.

Even’s hands were still in his hair and he was feeling brave, so he cupped his face.

“What happened with Daysi?”

Even dropped his gaze and wasn’t answering, so Isak asked again.

“Tell me. You can tell me anything.”

“She left me,” said Even.

“I’m sorry,” said Isak. “I’m sorry you’re hurting.”

“It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not. I don’t know her, but I’m sure she doesn’t deserve you.”

“No, it’s my fault,” said Even.

“What?”

“It’s all my fault. She did nothing wrong.”

“Uh, okay.”

“I’m sorry I lied to you,” said Even.

“What? When?”

“At the beach in Lisbon.”

“Huh?”

“When I said I loved her. I don’t know. I was trying to convince myself more than anything,” said Even.

_Oh._

“Oh, I see.”

_Then why are you heartbroken._

“Enough crap about me. How are you? Found anyone these past six months?” said Even.

“No,” said Isak.

“No?”

“No.”

“Why not?” said Even.

“I’m bad at moving on.”

“Me too.”

.

They walked back to the campground and Isak nearly fell six times. Even laughed every single time, bringing his hands to his hips to steady him.

“You have absolutely no control over your legs,” said Even.

“This is sand. What the fuck? Of course I’m gonna slip.”

But Isak didn’t mind because Even’s hands felt great on his hips.  

.

Isak couldn’t sleep. It was cold and his feet were cold but it wasn’t what was keeping him up. Isak couldn’t sleep because his heart felt too big for his chest.

.

“Morning sunshine,” said Vilde. We’re riding camels today.

“No,” Isak groaned.

“Yes.”

Sana was still angry and Isak was emotionally hungover. Seeing Even after their moment the previous night almost made him trip.

“Morning,” he said.

“Hey,” Isak smiled.

“Camels today?”

“How do you know?” Isak frowned.

“That’s what most people do here.”

“Right.”

.

Sana and Vilde begrudgingly share a camel and Isak watched awkwardly before Even suggested they ride one together.

“Huh?”

“Well, I’m not into making animals suffer but at least we’ll be contributing to the economy, don’t you think?” said Even.

“You’re weird.”

“I heard.”

Isak sat at the front and Even sat behind behind him. Isak could feel him everywhere and he was suddenly embarrassed by their proximity and what it did to his own body. His cheeks were probably flushed. His face always did that thing when they got too close and his back was literally pressed against Even’s chest.

And when the camel rose to its feet, Isak yelped and nearly fell if it weren’t for Even’s strong arms locked around his stomach.

“Shit!”

“I got you,” said Even, laughing.

They didn’t talk. The guide orienting the camel kept explaining things about the region and its history and Isak listened.

It was breathtaking and Isak couldn’t believe he had almost said no to this. _Everyone should see this at least once in their lives._

There was nothing but sand around them. It felt like they were in a parallel universe. No planes in the sky and no big buildings ruining the view. Isak felt at peace. Isak felt great. So when Even arms were back to hugging his stomach, he nearly fell off the camel again.

_What are you doing to me. Why are you so unfair._

The sun was shining and Even’s chin was hooked atop his shoulder, and Isak felt himself let go. All that pent up tension inside him, all gone. He let himself have this, whatever this was, and he completely let go in Even’s arms.

.

“When are you leaving?” said Even.

“Tomorrow after breakfast,” said Isak.

“Good. We can watch the sunrise.”

“Huh?”

“It’s worth it. Trust me.”

Isak smiled and Even’s hand reached up to touch his face. He let himself have that moment but then quickly shoved his hand away when he saw a few locals looking at them.

“Oh yeah. Shit. Sorry,” said Even.

.

Even joined them for dinner along with Rania and Vilde and Sana seemed to be communicating again.

Isak made a mental note to himself to ask Sana about Even later. They knew each other. There was no way they didn’t know each other. Rania was hilarious and explained why Abdesslam didn’t realize she was Moroccan, too.

“We look completely different from one region to another here. And if you’re a bit tan and speak English in a tourist area, people might assume you’re from brazil or something,” she said. “We’re just so different but in a good way.”

When Even went to the bathroom, Isak was surprised to see Rania move up to the seat next to him.

“Hey,” she said.

“Uh. hi?”  

“He told me about you.”

“Who? Even? Like today?” said Isak.

“No before that, before we met you here.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. It’s so weird. Your story is so weird. Did you follow him here?”

“What? No!”

“I’m joking. It’s crazy though. It’s like an epic movie,” said Rania.

“I guess.”

“Anyways. I just wanted to tell you that he hadn’t smiled in a while, and that ever since he saw you he can’t stop smiling.”

“Uh, okay.”

.

They were sitting around the campfire later on that night when Even asked again.

“You said you’re going to Fès right?”

“Yeah.”

“When’s the wedding?”

“In four days.”

“Why are you going now?”

“I don’t know. Sana has to spend some time with her aunt helping with stuff with Vilde,” said Isak.

“What about you?”

“Me?”

“Yeah what are you going to do?” said Even.

“Uh. I don’t know. I’ll play Fifa or something.”

Even laughed before blurting out, “Travel with me.”

“What?!”

“Three days. Give me three days. I’ll show you around.”

“What the hell? I can’t just leave.”

“Yes, you can. I already talked to Sana about it,” said Even. “She doesn’t mind.”

“Uh, I. What? And what’s your deal with Sana anyways?”

“Another story for another time.”

“Piss off.”

“So? Yes?” said Even.

“I don’t know. Where do you want to take me? I can’t handle your hipster stuff.”

“Oh, please! You will love it.”

“I just. I don’t know. I don’t want to just-” Isak stopped because he wasn’t sure how to phrase it.

“You don’t want to what?”

_Set myself up for disappointment._

“Nevermind,” said Isak.

“No, tell me. Just say it. It’s okay.”

_I don’t want to be your rebound._

“I don’t want to be your rebound,” said Isak. And it hurt.

“Oh,” Even’s mouth fell open. “That’s not-. That’s not what this is. I’m sorry if that’s what you thought. I-”

“It’s okay, Even.”

“No, Isak. I want you to understand that I would never use you like that. Okay?”

“Okay.”

.

Even danced around the campfire with the Japanese again and Isak melted with his chin propped on his knees. _I like you so much._

.

Isak woke up long before Even had to come get him. It was still completely dark outside and Isak was freezing. He left the tent and waited.

They walked silently side by side along the dunes. Isak was shivering and when Even put a jacket on his shoulders, he frowned.

“The hell?”

“I told you I’d keep you warm.”

“Piss off,” Isak rolled his eyes but melted inside.

They walked and walked and walked until they reached the highest dune in the horizon. They quickly climbed it and realized that they weren’t the only ones with this brilliant idea.

“Is this good?” said Isak.

“Let’s walk a bit further,” said Even.

“Why?”

“Wanna be alone with you.”

“Uh okay.”

They managed to find a deserted dune and settled on the sand, waiting for the sun to rise.

“So you’re going directly to Fès?” said Even.

“Yeah. What are you gonna do?”

“Hm. Rania is leaving for Chefchaouen today and I’m probably leaving, too.”

“Where to?”

“I’ll stop at Marrakech first but I’ll go to Essaouira,” said Even.

“I have no idea what that is,” said Isak.

“Of course.”

Isak stared off into the distance, and nothing. There was nothing but sand everywhere.

“Are you still hung up on the guy from Argentina?” said Even.

“What?!”

“The guy who broke your heart. Are you over him?”

“Why?” said Isak.

“I don’t know. I’m just wondering if I’ll stop feeling like this.”

_Ouch. Damn that hurt._

“You will. And I’m over him,” said Isak.

“Good. Good.”

The sun was starting to rise and it was beautiful. But Isak couldn’t enjoy it because Even was heartbroken beside him and he didn’t even know why.

“What happened with Daysi?” said Isak. “You don’t have to tell me but what did you mean by it’s your fault?”

“It’s my fault because she realized that I didn’t remember proposing.”

“What? She left you because you were drunk when you proposed?” said Isak.

“No,” Even sighed. “She left me because she realized I’m fucking crazy.”

Isak stared at Even, Even who looked like he was on the verge of tears.

“What, what are you talking about? You’re not crazy,” said Isak, scooting a little closer.

“Yes, I am. You don’t know what it’s like. You have no idea.”

“Hey,” said Isak, grabbing his face because it was a thing they did now. “Hey, look at me.”

Isak almost regretted saying that because when Even looked at him, there were tears in the corner of his eyes.

“You’re not crazy,” Isak repeated.

“You don’t know that.”

“I do. I know you’re a good person and that you did your best to make it work. You did your best,” said Isak.

“I really cared about her. I really did,” said Even.

“I know,” said Isak, running his thumbs across his cheekbones. “I basically begged you to fuck me in Lisbon and you still told me to go fuck myself.”

Even laughed. _Yes. yes._

“I don’t remember this specific exchange,” he said.

“Good. Because it was embarrassing as hell,” said Isak, smiling right back, his hands still cupping Even’s face.

“No, but really, did you beg me?” said Even.

“Piss off!” said Isak, taking his hands away.

Even laughed then grabbed them, both of them, making Isak’s heart flutter again.

“You know. At the beach, back in Lisbon,” said Even.

“What about it?”

“When we were in the water, when we were holding our breaths underwater.”

“Yeah I remember that,” said Isak.

“I really wanted to kiss you.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” said Even. “Just wanted you to know.”

“Okay.”

They sat there in complete silence, watching the sun rise over the sand, their hands intertwined.

“It’s beautiful,” said Isak.

“It is,” said Even, his thumb brushing over the back of Isak’s hand.

His heart was beating way too fast in his chest, so he turned around and asked.

“Why did you want to be alone with me, Even?”

“Just in case,” said Even.

“Just in case what?”

“In case you felt like kissing me.”

.

Isak kissed him first. He grabbed his face with both hands and pressed their lips together with all the passion he carried in his heart, all the tension that wouldn’t leave his chest. So when Even’s hand found the back of his neck and brought him closer, he let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding and completely melted in his arms.

There was no tongue, no teeth, just lips. It was so soft and so tender that Isak didn’t know what to do with himself. Every time their lips met, a piece of him left his soul. And Isak knew. He knew that this was the kiss he would dream of when they part again, when Isak is back to his room in Oslo, all lonely and alone. He knew that this was it.

It was desperate and Isak almost felt his chest cracking. He pulled Even’s hair ever so gently, and when he grabbed his hips and pulled him onto his lap, Isak moaned against his mouth.

“Even.”

“Isak.”

.

“We made out again,” said Even.

“We made out again.”

“In an epic location, too.”

“Yeah, the sunrise and all. So cheesy,” said Isak.

.

“Travel with me?”

“Okay.”

.

The toughest part about traveling with Even in Morocco was not being able to touch him when he felt like it.

“You know, I didn’t want to come here. I was kind of scared,” said Isak on the bus.

“Scared of what?” said Even.

“You know, homosexuality is illegal here. People get beat up and get thrown in jail and stuff. There’s laws,” said Isak.

“Those laws only apply to Moroccans, not to tourists and foreigners.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“That still fucking sucks,” said Isak.

“It does,” said Even. “We’re very lucky. But don’t let that deter you from visiting places and traveling the world.”

“But why would I go to a country that believes I’m an abomination and that I shouldn’t be part of society?” said Isak.

“You need to understand that every country has different cultural norms, norms that took a long time to become norms, and that will take a long time to stop being norms. When traveling in these countries, try not to take it personally. Just look at it as a cultural thing that you need to respect. This country is so warm and welcoming and people will go out of their way to make you feel at home. In return, we need to understand their norms and traditions. Public display of affection is frowned upon in general, and it makes people feel uncomfortable. We need to respect that. We may not agree with it and it most definitely sucks. But we’re different and we shouldn’t try to force our norms on them or think that we’re superior. That’s what travel has taught me. Things take time. We need to have empathy, always. And keep in mind that there are a lot of LGBT in these countries as well who aren’t as lucky as we are but who fight every day and who still love their country.”

“I don’t know. I get your point. But why would I put myself in danger and waste a shit ton of money to visit a country where I don’t feel safe,” said Isak.

“You don’t feel safe right now?”

“Well, I’m not talking about right now.”

“Has anyone been anything but kind to you ever since you got here?”

“Yeah, but then don’t know I’m gay,” said Isak.

“My point is people grew up in different circumstances and were brought up believing in certain things. We need to have empathy and try to see things from their perspective even if it hurts us.”

“I just don’t ever want to hide who I am,” said Isak.

“And you don’t have to. Trust me, nobody cares about what foreigners do here. But we should still try to be respectful. It’s their home after all. And who knows? You might change a person’s mind when they realize that you’re nothing but sweet. Have I mentioned that you're sweet?”

“Shut up,” said Isak.

.

Even was wise and kind, and Isak could do nothing but stare and smile. They spent a night at a hostel in Marrakech and Even dragged him to an underground party in a huge club. Isak didn’t even know there was a party scene in Morocco.

“What? This city has the biggest clubs in all of Africa,” said Even.

“I didn’t know,” Isak shrugged.

Even dragged him to the dance floor and Isak buried his face in his hands.

“I already told you, I’m not the dancing type,” said Isak.

They drank until a girl with long dark hair and flawless olive skin walked up to them and decided they were friends.

Isak was drunk enough to split a pill with Even.

“What is this?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” said Even.

“Am I going to die?”

“I’ll never let anything happen to you,” said Even.

“Okay. I trust you.”

“I trust you, too.”

Isak was in another galaxy altogether. He was happy, so _fucking_ happy, and the world was spinning and _dammit_ he probably shouldn’t have taken drugs. But Even was smiling and he was beautiful and _gosh,_ Isak liked him _so much._

They danced and laughed and made friends with the entire club.

“You’re the dancing type now?” said Even.

“I’m anything you fucking want me to be,” said Isak.

.

Even shoved him into a bathroom stall and kissed him breathless.

Isak could barely see anything but he held onto Even neck and kissed him with everything that he had.

“I’m so fucked up,” he admitted.  
“Me, too,” said Even.

“I like kissing you so much.”

“Me, too.”

“I’m glad I’m kissing you and not some rando tonight.”

“Me, too, baby. Me too.”

Isak threw up and didn’t remember much after that.

.

“I’m never taking drugs again,” said Isak the next day. “That was the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever done.”

“At least you can say you got fucked up in a club in Morocco,” said Even, a hand in Isak’s hair.

They had spent the entire day at the hostel nursing a hangover.

.

They took off at night for Essaouira and Isak loved it. It was so calming and so nice and the breeze felt great on his skin.

They never touched again after the club in Marrakech. Isak didn’t want to offend anyone and he didn’t want to get himself in trouble either. He also had no idea what was going on with Even and his heartbreak.

.

Even took him to Chefchaouen and it was Isak’s favorite city in the country by far. He also took him to Ifrane and Meknes. They were on their way to Fès when Isak finally decided to ask.

“I think I can get you invited to the wedding,” said Isak. “Sana said that weddings are so big here and they order so much food that they don’t mind people crashing.”

He was nervous. He just wanted one more day with Even. Just one.

“Unfortunately, I can’t. I’m flying out from Casablanca tomorrow night,” said Even.

“Oh.”

“Yeah. Would have loved to watch you dance to Chaabi music,” said Even.

“What?”

“Nevermind,” Even laughed.

“So tomorrow we’re parting ways,” said Isak.

“Yeah.”

“Where are you going?”

“Stopping at Frankfurt first. Cheapest flight I found. I’ll stay for a day and carpool somewhere,” said Even.

“I see.”

“Are you sad?” said Even.

“I’m not sad.”

“Okay. Cause I don’t want you to be.”

.

Sana expected Isak to spend the night at her aunt’s house, but he stayed with Even in a hostel instead.

They were in a big room with several other travelers they bumped into when they roamed the Old Medina. And around 1 in the morning, Isak left his bed and got into Even’s.

“Hi,” said Even, locking his arms around him and pulling him closer.

“Hi,” Isak whispered, snuggling closer against his neck.

Even pressed a kiss to his forehead and Isak buried his face in the crook of his neck.

“I’m gonna miss you,” he whispered, trying not to sound too sad, trying not to sound like he was about to cry.

“I miss you already,” said Even.

They held each other all night until it was time for Even to wake up and leave.

.

Isak wanted to go with Even to the train station but it made no sense. It was too desperate, even for him.

So he stood in his pyjamas in front of the hostel at five thirty in the morning and did his best to look as composed as possible, to look like he didn’t want something more. He hugged himself and wished Even a safe train ride and a safe flight.  

He wished Even would give him something more. He wished he could suggest a place where they could meet up. He wished he could stop leaving it up to the universe. But Even never budged and never shared his plans with him.

Isak was too scared to ask. He didn’t even know what this was. All he knew was that Even’s heart was still broken, and that he couldn’t start an epic romance with someone who was still mending their broken pieces. He had been there before.

So he smiled and put his faith in the hands of fate. He laughed at one of Even’s silly jokes, and waited for him to give him a note or something.

And when Even cupped his face and kissed him in the middle of the street instead, Isak’s knees nearly gave out. He held onto his jacket and sighed against his mouth and hoped for their lips to never part. _What a kiss. What a kiss_.

“Goodbye, Isak.”

“Goodbye, Even.”

.

“Finally! Look who finally decided to show up,” said Vilde.

But Isak wasn’t in the mood for banter. He wasn’t in the mood for anything. His heart hurt. He just wanted to curl around himself and sleep or cry or something.

“You okay?” said Sana.

“Yeah. Just a bit tired,” said Isak.

_He didn’t even leave me a note._

.

The wedding was fun and Isak danced because he was the dancing type now apparently. Sana and Vilde looked beautiful in their Moroccan Takchitas, and Isak took many pictures to share them with Eva and Magnus. He was sending a video of Vilde and Sana smiling and dancing together to the groupchat when he got an instagram notification.

.

**Even Bech Næsheim (evenbn)** started following you.

.

This account only had one post and only followed one person: him.

[ ](https://68.media.tumblr.com/dc9a789ff15128c9d6f022a862b53d16/tumblr_or0gilr3yo1qm8s54o1_1280.png)

.

When they met again, Even made Isak carpool across Europe in the middle of winter and made love to him while it snowed outside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it. As I mentioned earlier, this was very tough for me to write especially after the Friday clip.  
> Leave a comment if you felt something as usual <3\. I'll do my very best to answer all your kind comments. You make my entire days, thank you.  
> .  
> A bunch of countries all throughout Europe next chapter, and we're starting with Czech Republic for my lovely Žaneta (and BARBORA) <3\. Any guesses what will make the list?  
> .  
> Isak is completely gone for Even here. But Even has a lot of stuff going on. Daysi left him after realizing he was bipolar :((. He's running, running, running. From what? He created an instagram simply to tell Isak where he is because he is extra like that. I really wanted to address traveling in conservative countries and I hope it didn't offend anyone. Sana having an aunt from Morocco is pure fiction. And while you don't see it in the chapter, Sana and Vilde made up and Isak didn't even have to pretend to be Vilde's bf.
> 
> I have so much planned for this verse. I played myself. I'm sorry the updates are so spaced out now. But with the show and with work I just can't find time to write . When do updates make the most sense to you?  
> .  
> Thank you so much for reading and commenting and leaving kudos <3


	5. Prague & Vienna: Lovers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What are we, Even?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like this <3 Sorry for the wait

**December 26th, 2020 - Czech Republic**

It took him some time, but Isak found it. And when he did, he sighed and silently cursed himself for following yet another boy across the world. Only Even could suggest such a meeting place. Only Even.

The Gallery of Art Prague was nested in the corner of the busy Old Town square under the shadows of a huge church Isak guessed was a landmark, and he was late. He was late and he was nervous. He got there at 15:34 instead of 15:15, and Even was nowhere to be seen. _Dammit._

His back hurt so he put his backpack on the floor and decided to wait a bit more. Perhaps Even went looking for him. Perhaps Even knew that he got lost taking the tram that had wifi because he was trying to save offline maps on his phone. Perhaps he knew that this was Isak’s first time traveling alone and that he didn’t realize he didn’t have data in foreign countries. Perhaps Even knew all of that and decided to go look for him.

It was 15:56 now, and Isak was starting to lose hope. _What if he forgot about me already? What if he forgot about me and forgot to tell me?_

.

**October, 2020 - Morocco**

Isak stared at the instagram post for a few minutes. He couldn’t believe it. Even was suggesting a meeting place. Even was giving him something more. Even wasn’t leaving it up to the universe anymore.

He was so happy that he couldn’t help but jump in his seat in the middle of the wedding. He was so happy that he walked over to Sana and Vilde and wrapped them in a hug that was just too out of character for him. He couldn’t believe it. Isak was so happy.

* * *

**evenbn**

**23:28**

Hi

Is this you?

Weird question

I mean

Is this Even?

**01:34**

I’m whatever you fucking want me to be

It’s you

It’s me

Why are you so weird

Is that a yes to my invitation

You could have just DM’d me

And where’s the fun in that :D

True

You created an instagram

You’re so observant

Shut up

:p

Did you create it just for me?

Yes

Hmm good

Good?

Yeah I’m important like that

You are <3

:p

How’s Frankfurt?

* * *

Even didn’t respond after that, and Isak tried not to take it to heart. It was so late anyways, and with the time difference, it was almost 3 in the morning for Even.

Isak waited and waited and waited, but no response ever came after that. They were at the airport in Casablanca, and Sana was explaining how she and Vilde made up. But Isak couldn’t listen to her words. He kept checking his phone every ten seconds, jumping whenever it vibrated and whenever he thought it vibrated. He couldn’t think about anything else and he was glued to his phone.

Isak had a small problem.

.

It was November and Isak had lost hope. He was feeling a bit down, a bit sad, but he wouldn’t admit it. Not even Magnus or Jakob could get him to smile.

“Morocco did wonders to you,” said Jakob. “I’m digging this tan on you.”

“If by tan you mean the burns on my skin, then I would say you have some problems,” said Isak.

“I thought we already established that, Isak.”

“Piss off, Jakob.”

Isak liked Jakob. He never told him that, but he did. He was always there somehow in the background, teasing him and complimenting him every once in a while. He was in his program, and sometimes Isak wondered why. He didn’t even seem to like the idea of becoming a Doctor.

Sana seemed to enjoy his company for whatever reason though, and they often ended up cramming for exams together.

“You seem a bit down lately,” said Jakob. “Something on your mind?”

“Leave me alone, Jakob,” said Isak.

Isak knew that Jakob liked him and that he wanted more. He knew that all the teasing and the persistence were because he craved him. Isak knew when he was being craved. He didn’t miss how Jakob’s eyes lingered on his face for a little too long when he laughed or smiled or did anything at all, how his fingers would dig into his skin sometimes when they were trying to cross the crowd in packed parties. He knew all of that and Jakob really wasn’t bad to look at.

But Isak didn’t want him.

Jakob wasn’t the _him_ that Isak was craving.

.

“Eskild?” Isak said hesitantly.

“For the thousandth time, I’m not mad that you don’t want to hang out with my squad this Friday,” said Eskild, sighing loudly.

“No, I. Uh. This isn’t about that,” said Isak. “I kind of need advice.”

“What? Advice? You’re coming to me for advice? Oh my god! What a day!”

“Forget it,” Isak rolled his eyes and was about to leave the kitchen when Eskild grabbed his arm.

“Sorry. Sorry, I’ll stop,” said Eskild. “What is it? Tell your guru.”

“Nevermind.”

“Tell me!”

.

“And now he’s not replying to my messages,” said Isak.

“That’s not nice.”

“Yeah well he’s also always traveling so I don’t know.”

“You said he skyped with his fiancée though,” said Eskild, taking a mouthful of his salad.  

“Ex-fiancée!” Isak almost yelled.

“Yeah. Yeah. Calm down.”

“Besides that was before she left him. Maybe he doesn’t do communication anymore,” said Isak.

“Why are you trying to find excuses for this guy?” said Eskild.

“I’m not doing that!” Isak scoffed.

“Do you have feelings for him? Are you in love?”

“What the fuck, Eskild? I spent a grand total of maybe 7 days with him,” said Isak.

“My point exactly. Yet, here you are pining like a highschooler,” said Eskild. “I say just forget him. There’s plenty of fish in the sea.”

“I’m not pining.”

“Isak, sweetie. You’re pining.”

“Fine, whatever.”

“You need to take better care of yourself, okay?” said Eskild.

“Piss off. I’m not a child.”

Isak got off the couch and stormed off to his room like a petulant child.

_Perhaps he’s right. Perhaps Even will never contact me again._

.

**evenbn just posted a photo for the first time in a while.**

****

.

Isak booked his flight right away and counted down the days like a fool. He went to bed every night with anticipation building inside his chest, with memories haunting his dreams, with silent wishes at the tip of his tongue. He dreamed of soft beaches and starry nights and feathery touches. He dreamed of deep kisses in narrow deserted streets at five in the morning in magical cities. Isak dreamed and dreamed and dreamed. Isak had a small problem.

.

He double-checked that he had his passport, his phone, and a few changes of clothes and got Eskild to drop him off at the airport.

“What the hell are you going to Czech Republic for?” said Eskild.

“Uh just for this school conference thingy,” said Isak.

“Conference thingy in December during the holidays?”

“Yeah. Medicine doesn’t go on breaks.”

“Isak,” Eskild sighed. “Is this your bohemian guy again?”

“What the fuck? No!” Isak lied.

“Alright. I believe you. Just don’t forget to add an hour to your watch,” said Eskild.

.

Isak was still in front of the building that read Dalí, Saudek, Warhol, and Even was still nowhere to be found. He was starting to panic.

_How fucking stupid can I get? What the hell am I doing here? Second time following a boy around the world. Are you shitting me?_

His heart burned and his chest ached. It wasn’t fair.

Isak picked up his bag off the floor and walked a bit further. He walked to calm himself down, to come up with a plan. He hadn’t even booked a flight back. He could always go back to the airport right away. He hadn’t wasted money on accommodation. This was okay. He was just going to have to explain to Eskild why he took a two-day trip to Prague. Perhaps he could crash at Jonas or Jakob’s and make them promise not to tell Eskild anything. It wasn’t the end of the world. At least he got to ride the tram and to see the gigantic Astronomical Clock in the Old Town Square. The Astronomical Clock which read 15:05.

_Wait._

Isak pulled out his phone and frowned. It read 16:05. _What._

He had even made sure to add an hour. He did it the moment he got on the plane.

“Excuse me,” Isak stopped the first person that crossed his path. “What time is it?”

“It’s 15:06,” said the stranger.

“What? But I thought-.”

**‘There is no time difference between Norway and Czech Republic’** said Google.

* * *

 

**Eskild (guru)**

**15:08**

Fuck you

imsg from czech republic? :O

You found a wifi hotspot?

There’s no time difference with Norway

That’s what you get for lying to me

Ughhhh

I put extra condoms in your bag

Fuck off

Ask for his number this time ;)

* * *

Isak quickly made his way back to the gallery of art with his heart drumming in his ears. And when he saw him, his heart nearly fell out of his chest.

_Even._

.

Isak had imagined their reunion countless times in his head. Sometimes he walked over very slowly and smiled, dimples and all, until Even met him halfway and picked him up. Some other times, he ran into his open arms and kissed him breathless. Isak had imagined a million different scenarios. Maybe a million and one. But now that he was in front of him, his legs wouldn’t move.

_Fuck._

Even’s eyes landed on him and Isak’s chest started heaving. He didn’t know what to do. _What are we? What is this?_  

He stood there with his feet glued to the floor until Even was in his face. He seemed to be wearing a thousand layers and he had a gray beanie on. He looked so _fluffy_ , so huggable, so comfortable.

“Hi,” said Even, his smile blinding.

“Hi,” said Isak.

Nothing else made it past his mouth. He was so overwhelmed.

“You came,” said Even.

“I did.”

“I didn’t think you would.”

“You would have known if you bothered answering my messages.”

“I’m sorry,” said Even.

“It’s okay.”

They stood there for a moment, taking each other in. Isak had been feeling a bit cold earlier. But now under Even’s stare, he couldn’t help but feel warm, abnormally warm, blush high up his cheeks warm.  

Even smiled and tilted his head ever so slightly, inducing butterflies in Isak’s stomach. And when he brought his thumb to his cheekbone, Isak couldn’t help but melt a little bit inside.

_He’s touching me._

“I missed you,” said Even, his thumb gently brushing Isak’s cheek.

“Uhm, likewise.”

“Likewise?”

“Yeah, likewise.”

“That’s a bit cold, don’t you think?” said Even, still smiling.

“Yeah, well I just lied to my roommate and flew here for you, so no I don’t think so.”

“For me?!” Even teased.

“No, I obviously mean for the old man behind you who’s also part of our conversation right now. He looks really good in his green coat. Don’t you think? I also have a thing for-”

Even grabbed his face with both hands and pressed their lips together, obliterating all snark and sarcasm from Isak’s body. Isak whose eyes shut instantly and who didn’t realize he let go of his bag until it hit the floor with a thud. _My computer is in there,_ said a faint voice at the back of his mind.

But Isak couldn’t care less. Not with Even’s hands on his face. His lips on his lips. His fingertips on his heart.

Isak sighed into the kiss and reveled in the tenderness of it all. He parted his lips and brought his hands to Even’s jacket, curling his fingers around the pockets, pulling him closer.

_What a kiss._

Even kissed him again, tilting his head a bit to the side with his hand, taking a little more, always a little more. And then it was over.

Isak opened his eyes painfully because he wasn’t sure. He wasn’t sure it was real.

“Hi,” Even breathed.

“Hi,” Isak mumbled, his eyes droopy, his skin still burning where Even touched him.

“I missed you.”

“I missed you, too.”

.

They checked into a hostel and Isak couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed when he realized they were once again sharing a room with a dozen other travelers.

“What?” said Even.

“Nothing.”

“Disappointed?”

“No. Why would I be?” said Isak.

.

Isak rolled his eyes when Even dragged him to the Old Town Square again. But he then stopped in the middle of the street and headed for a big wooden door.

“Where are we going?” said Isak.

“We’re gonna have a beer,” said Even.

It turned out that the street hid the coolest student club underground, and it actually served great beer. The entire place was just so warm and cozy.

“This is so cool,” said Isak.

“I know right? This is called the Studentský klub Celetná. And technically, we’re not supposed to be here,” said Even.

“How do you know about this place?”

“Wondered around Prague a bit, made a few friends at Charles University,” said Even.

“How is it so easy for you?”

“What?”

“Making friends.”

“It’s not,” said Even.

.

They had a few more beers until Isak was confident enough to start cracking jokes. He talked about Eskild and about how he was stupid enough to add an hour to all his devices.

“How could you think there was a time difference?” said Even.

“I don’t know. I didn’t think. I just trusted him, you know. Like I thought to myself ‘Of course!’,” said Isak.

“You’re adorable,” Even smiled.

“Oh shut up,” Isak groaned, making Even smile even wider.

“You are though.”

“Stop teasing me.”

“I’m not teasing you,” said Even, his eyes staring into Isak’s.

“Whatever,” said Isak, shifting uncomfortably in his seat, his face probably flushed.

He looked down at the floor and tried to avoid Even’s gaze.

“Are you nervous?” said Even.

“No. Why would I be?”

“Right.”

.

They walked silently along Celetná, then in the narrower streets, Even bumping into him every few steps, making his heart skip a beat every single time. Days were shorter and the sun was about to set, and when they crossed the Charles bridge, Even stopped to look at the sky. _So cheesy._

“This is so cheesy,” said Isak.

“I know right?”

“You love it though.”

“I do,” said Even.

“Then I love it, too,” Isak admitted.

_Nope. Shouldn’t have said that. Nope._

“Thank you for coming,” said Even, smiling beautifully.

“Uh. Thanks for, uh, inviting me.”

.

Isak felt like they had walked all of Prague’s in one evening. Even took him to some statue of two men peeing and laughed at the confusion on his face. He then took him to the city hall and made him ride the weirdest elevator.

“What the fuck is this?” said Isak.

“This is a Paternoster elevator from the good old times,” said Even.

“Huh?”

It was an elevator with open compartments big enough to fit one person, maybe two, that ran in an infinite loop. All a person had to do was hop on and then hop off when they reached their desired floor.

“How do you find this shit?” said Isak.

“Google,” said Even.

.

They were eating burgers in a bar with some people they ran into from the hostel when Even reached out and tucked his hair behind his ear.

“Oh, you guys are together?” said Silvia, an italian girl visiting for New Year’s.

_Oh. I don’t know._ _  
_ “We’re good friends,” said Even, smiling politely.

_Oh._

.

They did more weird things around the city, and by eleven o’clock Isak was exhausted and slightly tipsy and slightly upset over the fact that they were ‘good friends’. _What are we?_

They went back to their hostel, slept in their separate beds, and Isak didn’t try to sneak into Even’s at one in the morning.

.

Isak woke up in his tiny bed and couldn’t help but feel disappointed. In his fantasies, they had a private room and they were making good use of Eskild’s condoms.

Isak was only upset for a few minutes though, because Even’s disheveled hair was quite a sight.

_I can’t even be angry with you._

.

Even made him do more things he never thought he would enjoy doing, and Isak smiled the entire day. They took a weird cable car which looked like an elevator at first from some hotel named NH, and the view over the city was truly breathtaking. They stopped at the Náměstí Míru metro station simply so that they could ride the longest escalator in Europe.

“Why are we doing this?” Isak whined.

“So that you think of me whenever you take an escalator from now on,” said Even.

.

They went to the Prague Strahov Monastery library and Isak actually took pictures because it was simply gorgeous.

But then his phone decided to run out of space, so he sighed loudly and started deleting photos from his camera roll, his brows furrowing in concentration.

Isak gasped when he heard Even’s camera shutter go off.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“I’m taking pictures,” said Even.

“Excuse me. I think I’m on them.”

“You are.”

“Why would you take pictures of me?”

“Because you’re beautiful,” said Even very matter-of-factly.

Isak was reduced to a stuttering mess and he hated how things that usually made him roll his eyes made him so weak when it was Even saying them.

“Shut up,” he said, looking at the floor.

“You’re blushing.”

“No, I’m not.”

.

Even teased him in the mirror maze and Isak only pretended to be annoyed for the first five minutes. _I like you so much._

They did everything Even wanted to do. They went to all the museums and all the exhibitions and all the hipster _crap_ that Isak couldn’t even be bothered with. And then when it got dark, they parted with a ‘good night’ that made Isak want to set himself on fire.

.

On the third day, Even took him to the Lennon wall and made him stand in the middle so that he could take a picture of him.

“This is weird,” said Isak.

“You promised you’d model for my pictures.”

“I was drunk. It doesn’t count.”

“To me, it does,” said Even.

Isak rolled his eyes.

“What’s so special about this wall anyways?”

“It’s a symbol of peace and resistance, although none of the original art remains,” said Even, taking more pictures and then staring back at his camera.

“I see.”

“You know who John Lennon is, right?” said Even.

“Please! I’m not an ignorant,” said Isak.

“I never said you were.”

“He’s the guy who sings ‘Imagine’,” said Isak.

“He is.”

“He was a pretty naive guy, don’t you think?”

“I think he was just hopeful,” said Even.

“Yeah. Same thing.”

“No, it’s not the same thing,” said Even.

“Well, it got him killed, so.”

“Maybe it will get me killed, too.”

“What?” said Isak.

“Nothing,” Even smiled.

.

“We’re going to Vienna,” said Even on December 29th.

“Even, what the fuck?”

.

They went to Vienna. They booked a late trip through blablacar, and carpooled with two drunk men who sang along to some German song during the first two hours of their trip before they fell asleep. Isak had no idea how the driver was so unaffected when the loudest guy sat on the passenger seat next to him.

Isak was squeezed between Even and the other drunk guy in the backseat.  

“You okay?” Even asked.

“I’m fine,” said Isak.

“You look annoyed.”

“I’m not annoyed.”

“Isak, you’re annoyed.”

“Okay, fine. But I think this guy will throw up on me,” said Isak.

“He won’t throw up on you.”

Isak sighed then sank lower into the seat. It was dark outside and the man beside him was snoring, his head falling on his shoulder repeatedly.

“Wanna switch seats?” said Even.

“No, you’re like a giraffe. Your legs won’t fit,” said Isak.

“A giraffe? A giraffe?!”

“Come on. Don’t act like no one has made the observation before,” Isak smiled.

“A giraffe?!”

“You’re gonna wake our friends over here,” Isak laughed. “You should calm down.”

“I can’t believe I’m being bullied by the boy I’ve been trying to impress for years during a blablacar ride.”

“You’re trying to impress me?” Isak smiled. “Is that why you took me to all those museums? Is it me you’re talking about?”

“I’m obviously talking about our friend Hans who’s snoring beside you right now, looking dashing in his blue jacket.”

“You’re stealing my lines,” said Isak.

“You’re welcome to steal mine,” Even smiled.

They bickered for a few more minutes before the driver turned on the radio very passive aggressively.

“I think we pissed him off,” said Isak.

“I think he’s jealous because he doesn’t understand what we’re saying.”

“Come to think of it we’re a bit rude,” said Isak.

“Speak for yourself.”

Isak was about to bite back when he realized that he actually liked the song that was playing.

.

**Now Playing:** Edward Sharpe  & The Magnetic Zeros - Home

_Man, oh, man, you're my best friend_

_I scream it to the nothingness_

_There ain't nothing that I need_

 

_Well, hot and heavy pumpkin pie_

_Chocolate candy, Jesus Christ_

_Ain't nothing please me more than you_

.

“I like this song,” said Isak.

“You do?” said Even.

“I do.”

.

_Home, let me come home_

_Home is wherever I'm with you_

_Home, let me come home_

_Home is wherever I'm with you_

.

“I think I like it, too,” said Even.

“Good,” said Isak, his heart in his throat, his head now on Even’s shoulder.

.

_I'll follow you into the park,_

_Through the jungle, through the dark_

_I've never loved one like you_

_Moats and boats, and waterfalls,_

_Alleyways, and payphone calls_

_I been everywhere with you_

_Home, let me come home_

_Home is wherever I'm with you_

.

Even took his hand and laced their fingers together, and Isak left a piece of his soul in a dark blue Skoda Octavia.

.

They got to Vienna at an ungodly hour and had to wait for check-in times for hostels. They fell asleep at the train station, head on shoulder, and Isak had never felt so happy about being homeless.

.

“Are you two together?” said Sara, a german girl traveling from Berlin who was trying to check into the same hostel.

“We’re good friends,” said Isak with bitterness in his voice.

Once again, they were in a hostel, sharing a room with eight other people.

* * *

**Eskild**

**11:19**

I’m tired

Hm perhaps ask him?

Ask him what?

“Hey why won’t you fuck me?”

Jesus isak wtf

I meant ask him what you two are? What he expects from you?

What he wants?

I don’t know?

Ugh

Shit sorry for being inappropriate

Isak

You’ve walked in on me sucking off people multiple times

This is fine

Shut up

What have you done so far?

Does he seem interested?

We kissed once.

I don’t know. I’m so confused

Does he compliment you?

He said I was adorable

He meant adorabelle. Am I right? :p

Bye -___-

Yeah I don’t know you don’t call people you want to sleep with adorable

So I would suggest having an honest conversation

About whatever the hell you two are doing

Ugh

Whatever

Talk to you later

Condoms are in the innermost pocket

Shut up!!

* * *

“You’re angry,” said Even.

“No. I’m not,” said Isak.

“Okay.”

“Okay,” said Isak.

“Breakfast?”

They had breakfast at a place called Tunnel that had Isak moaning into the food and that, surprisingly, didn’t empty his wallet. They took the ring tram around the city. And while Isak was still grumpy when they got on it, he eventually smiled because Vienna was so beautiful and Even was taking pictures of him.

“Stop it!” he groaned, trying to hide his smile.

“Stop being so damn pretty, then.”

“You’re so annoying,” Isak rolled his eyes while he melted inside. _I like you so much._

.

They spent their first day in the overcrowded places that “Isak had to see”, and he only complained for about an hour or so. They walked along the Ringstrasse, which looked particularly beautiful covered in snow, until they got to Rathaus. They also took cheesy pictures in front Schönbrunn Palace and had beer at Salmbräu.

Around 18:00, Even took them to the museum of Applied Arts because admission was free on Tuesdays until 22:00.

“How do you know all of this, seriously?” said Isak.

“Vienna is one of my favorite cities in the world,” said Even.

“You say this about every city.”

“Maybe. But Vienna is magic, don’t you think?”

“I don’t know. I mean it’s cool but we’ll see in a few days.”

.

They ended up at a bar not too far from their hostel with Sara from the hostel and her friend Romeo, an Austrian guy who simply couldn’t stop looking at Isak.

“I’m Romeo,” he said, shaking his hand for a little too long while Even was ordering them beer.

“Uh, I’m Isak.”

“Isak? You’re very beautiful, Isak.”  

Isak wanted to roll his eyes.

“Uh, thanks,” he offered instead.

“Is your friend Even here alone?” said Sara.

“What do you mean?” said Isak.

“Does he have someone?”

_Back off._

“Uh. Not that I’m aware of,” he said instead.

.

Isak was a little drunk and Sara was too close to Even for his liking. Even who was sitting opposite him but whose eyes never left him, not even once.

Romeo was whispering something in his ear, and Isak felt ridiculous. _What the fuck are we even doing?_

They hadn’t kissed since they first reunited in Prague. _What kind of cruel game was this?_

Isak shifted uncomfortably away from Romeo who was sitting way too close and looked at Even before leaving his chair.

“We’re leaving?” said Even.

“We’re leaving,” said Isak.

.

They silently walked back to their hostel under the snow at one in the morning, and Isak was too drunk not to ask.

“What are we, Even?”

“What?”

“You and I. What are we? What are we doing?”

“Right now we’re walking,” said Even.

“Oh fuck you,” Isak groaned, shoving him away.

“And now we’re bickering,” said Even, getting closer to him again and wrapping an arm around his shoulders.

“I hate you.”

Even stopped and turned around to face Isak, both his hands on his shoulders now, his eyes staring into Isak’s soul, probably. Isak was weak. So weak.

“And now?” he asked sheepishly, suddenly soft, suddenly  _gone._

“Now-”

Even’s eyes roamed his face and his hands joined not too long after that. His fingers were cold, so cold on his cheeks, but Isak’s face was hot, so hot. He noticed how Even never wore gloves and it upset him because he should take care of his hands.

Isak couldn’t help it. His own hands came up to cover Even’s where they burned on his skin. He was overwhelmed because they hadn’t been this close since Prague, since Morocco.

“And now?” Isak repeated.

“Now, we’re about to kiss,” said Even before closing the distance between them and pressing the softest kiss to his lips.

Isak probably sighed into it, probably moaned into. His knees were about to give out, his chest was about to be split open.

_Kissing you is all I ever want to do._

He parted his lips and buried his hands in Even’s hair and pulled with everything that he had.

_Kiss me. Kiss me. Kiss me._

And Even did. He kissed him. There was tongue this time, too. And what a cheesy way to end the night. The snow was falling, and Even had one hand on his face and the other around his waist, his lips ruining him for anyone else.

Isak gave it his all, pulling his hair, and licking into his mouth, and chasing his lips whenever they gasped for air. Isak gave it his all.

And when they finally parted, Even pressed their foreheads together and held him until he remembered his name again.

Breathing hurt, but Isak had to ask.

“What are we, Even? What are we?”

“Whatever you want us to be,” he whispered before kissing him again.

.

That night they slept in Even’s bed and kissed until Isak fell asleep in his arms, until he got used to having his hands on his body again.

.

When Isak woke up, Even had already packed their bags.

“Where are we going?”

“Somewhere where it’s just you and me.”

.

It was New Year’s Eve and Even had managed to find them an airbnb.

“When did you book this?” said Isak.

“When we were in Prague,” said Even.

“Why?”

“It’s New Year’s Eve. Just in case you pass out and embarrass yourself,” said Even. “Wouldn’t want an audience, would you?”

“Piss off.”

* * *

**Eskild**

**14:18**

He got us an airbnb

Like a private room

But it’s like the whole apartment cause the host isn’t here

Bringing out the big guns

is he rich?

Isak make sure he preps you well

Or you prep him well

I don’t know

SHUT UP

OH MY GOD!!!!

What?

I don’t know what we’re doing

Did you ask him

He said we’re whatever I want us to be

Then what do you want for you to be

I don’t know

Bye

Where are you anyways?

Another museum

Belvedere

Yikes

Why don’t you do actual fun stuff?

I can’t believe you’re in Vienna walking in museums!!! I’m so frustrated!!

Eskild

At least you’re getting some later my sweet godchild kitten <3

Bye

* * *

They stopped in front of a painting and for the first time Isak actually felt overwhelmed. A man was holding a woman and pressing a kiss to her cheek while she kept her eyes closed, her expression reading: Ecstasy.

“What is this?” Isak asked.

“This is ‘The [ Kiss ](https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/4/40/The_Kiss_-_Gustav_Klimt_-_Google_Cultural_Institute.jpg/900px-The_Kiss_-_Gustav_Klimt_-_Google_Cultural_Institute.jpg)’ by Gustav Klimt,” said Even.

“It’s beautiful.”

“It is.”

“The guy kind of looks like Jonas,” said Isak.

“Wow, way to ruin things.”

“Hey! Jonas is hot, okay?”

“Now you’re just hurting me.”

“It’s really fucking cool though wow,” said Isak.

“Yeah. It represents a couple locked in intimacy, embracing one another, lost in one another, while their surroundings are shimmering,” said Even. “It’s a masterpiece.”

“Yeah,” said Isak, still staring at the piece, still surprised by the fact that he even appreciated this at all.

“This is why I wanted to bring you to Vienna,” said Even.

“What?”

“I wanted you to see this. It’s my favorite work of art.”

“Huh?”

“Do you know what this piece is alternatively called?”

“What?” said Isak.

“Lovers.”

.

It was New Year’s Eve and they roamed the city under the snow. People were headed to the New Year’s Eve trail in the Old City, but Isak’s mind was elsewhere.

His heart was still beating hard and fast from Even’s confession at the museum. ‘ _I wanted you to see this.’ What do you mean?_

They walked the deserted streets in the cold and in complete silence, and Isak knew. He knew. He had no idea where they were or which turn they should be making, but he knew where they were headed.

Even’s strides were getting bigger and Isak tried to match his pace. And when he recognized the little bar that was two blocks away from their airbnb, Isak got braver and took his hand.

Even looked down between them and smiled.

“You don’t wear gloves,” said Isak.

“I usually do,” said Even.

“Why aren’t you wearing them now?”

“I was hoping you would hold my hand.”

.

When they got to their room, the clock read 21:21.

“Why are you smiling?” said Isak.

“It’s 21:21,” said Even.

“It is.”

“It’s a whirlwind romance.”

“What?”

But then Even kissed him the moment he closed the door behind them, and Isak forgot his questions and his fears and his doubts and his scars.

Even backed them up to the bed slowly, ever so slowly, as Isak let himself fall into it on his back, pulling Even down with him.

“Kiss me,” he begged. “Kiss me.”

Even did. He kissed him tender at first, and then bit his lower lip, and made him moan against his tongue. He kissed him long and deep with his arms locked around Isak’s head, his hands smoothing his hair. They kissed until Isak couldn’t take it anymore, until they could no longer ignore how their bodies reacted to one another. They kissed until Isak was ready to peel off his clothes off his own body.

Even kissed his neck and Isak moaned because _yes._

“What are we, Even?” he panted. “What are we?”

Even kissed him again, and this time Isak moved his hips upward for some friction, just a bit. _Please._

He kissed him until Isak reached down to Even’s jeans and fumbled with his belt only for Even’s hands to reach down and grab them, stopping him.

Isak’s eyes cracked open. _What do you want. What are we. What is this._

“What are we, Even?” he asked again. “What are we?”

Even cupped his face in both hands and stared at him, lips full and pink and bruised.

“What are we?”

“Lovers,” Even breathed before kissing him again. “We’re lovers.”

.

Even undressed him first and Isak couldn’t help but shiver and feel a little bit insecure.

“You are perfect,” said Even. “Every bit of you.”

Isak nearly tipped over the edge from one simple touch. _I’ve wanted this for so long._

“Let me take care of you,” said Even.

_You can do whatever you want to me._

Isak whined and moaned, and Even’s face between his legs was certainly going to be his new go-to snapshot for future lonely nights. He bucked his hips forward and trembled, while Even’s hands held him in place, his mouth ruining him for anyone else, ever.

.

Isak returned the favor and Even kissed his forehead and called him ‘baby’, reducing him to an unintelligible mess. And when Isak reached out for his backpack, Even frowned.

“We don’t have to,” he said.

“I want this,” Isak breathed, pressing another kiss to the corner of his mouth. “I want you.”

“I-”

“Don’t you want me?”

“I do. Of course, I do. Look at me. I’m a mess.”

“Then have me,” said Isak.

“I just don’t know if you-”

“What are we, Even? What are we?”

“Lovers,” said Even. “We are lovers.”

.

Even made love to him while it snowed softly outside their window, while people drank and cheered in the old city celebrating the new year, while Isak’s heart completely and unequivocally was being marked with Even’s fingerprints.  

Even made love to him deep and slow, soft and intense, fast and passionate. Even was a true work of art, and Isak could only hold onto his neck and bring him down for more kisses as he thrusted into him with all his might. Isak could only moan and cry while Even wiped his tears and kissed his jaw and his neck and his forehead and his temple. Isak could only meet him halfway when Even’s eyes got too dark and too intense, and Isak was starting to forget his own name. Isak could only say his name when he neared his release and lost control over his own body.

“Even. Even. Even. Even.”

“Baby,” Even pressed kisses to his inner thighs and he wasn’t stopping. “Baby.”

He wasn’t stopping. And _gosh,_ Isak would have lost his mind if he did.

“Don’t stop. Don’t stop,” he moaned.

“I won’t. I won’t.”

“I’ve wanted this for so long,” Isak panted.

“Me too. Me too.”

Isak had had sex before. But never like this. No one had ever made love to him before.

“Fuck!” Isak moaned.

“I know. I know.”

Isak locked his thighs around Even's waist and his arms around his shoulders, and he tried not to scream.

“I want to see you. I want to look at you,” Even breathed.

So he let go. Isak let go. And the floor engulfed them somehow, for his body was trembling and was no longer his to control. No longer his to carry.

_Lovers. We are lovers._

.

They made love all night and forgot about the countdown and the celebrations and all the commotion. Nothing mattered anymore.

 

.

 

“Can I have your number?” Isak asked the next day as they were checking out.

He was booking his flight back, and while he was convinced it was going to cost him a leg, he actually managed to find a seat on a same day flight later that night.

“My number?”

“Yes, your number,” said Isak.

“Don’t you think I would have given it to you if I had one?”

“You don’t have a number?” said Isak. “What?”

“I’m never in a country long enough to have a number.”

“A skype address, then? I don’t know? Anything?” said Isak.

“You want to call me.”

“I want to call you. Lovers call each other,” said Isak, his cheeks flushed.

“They do. Don’t they?” Even smiled before brushing his thumb over Isak's cheekbone.

"Why won't you give me something?"

"Because I don't want to make you a promise I can't keep," said Even. 

.

Even took him to the airport and Isak felt like crying because he didn’t want to leave and because he still didn’t have Even’s number. He still didn’t know what being lovers even meant. He didn’t know a _damn_ thing. All he knew was that he was heading back to Oslo to start a new semester and that he probably wasn’t going to see Even in months. All he knew was that he was going back to his anxiety inducing life of waiting, waiting, waiting.

_You don’t want me as much as I want you._

Even kissed him by the security line and Isak wanted to scream. He wanted to scream and to ask him. He wanted him to give them a proper chance.

_When are we seeing each other again? When are you coming home? What are you running from? Give us a chance._

“Ask me,” Even sighed against his lips, arms tightly wrapped against his waist, forehead against forehead. “Ask me.”

“Ask you what?”

“You know what.”

Isak knew what, but he didn’t ask. Isak couldn’t. He was too scared of what his answer might be. _What if he puts an end to this?_ At least when he didn’t know, he still had hope. And if hope got him killed, then be it.  

Isak kissed him one last time, scribbled his phone number on a napkin like a heroine from a romantic comedy, ran a hand over his face, his sweet sweet face, then ran to his gate without looking back.

.

.

“Hello?” said Isak on the phone without looking at the number. “Hello? Is anyone on the line? Hello?”

Isak was about to hang up when he heard his voice.

"Isak."

“Even?”

“Wanna be my valentine?”  

.

When they met again, it was a month and ten days later in Paris for Even’s birthday. When they met again, Isak wasn't scared anymore, so he poured his heart and soul out to him while Even listened with big eyes and parted lips. When they met again, Even made him a promise he couldn't keep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would write elaborate end notes, but my brain is fried and it's 3am. Hope you liked this <3333333  
> Thank you for the incredible support, kudos, comments, and messages. Thank you to people who helped me with locations and gave me and continue to give me inspiration. Thank you so much to the person who changed my life with the Kiss by Klimt honestly! And Žaneta <33 thank you so much.  
> Chapter 6 will be set in Paris, maybe more cities <3  
> .  
> Chapter 7 will be in.... JAPAN. I'm so excited to write it.  
> Good luck watching Skam everyone. I know we need it. I'm so stressed lately I can only write in the middle of the night.  
> .  
> Comments are greatly appreciated <33  
> Isak is Even's favorite work of art. I had to. Sorry.  
> Jakob is in this verse, too. You ask, I deliver hahaha. And Eskild <3 Any predictions? *hugs*
> 
> *** leave a comment if you felt something <33 ***


	6. Paris: The Key to Your Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm ready to start making promises," said Even.  
> "Yeah?"  
> "Yeah."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3

Isak’s heart felt heavy in his chest as he boarded his plane for Oslo from Vienna. It felt heavy yet empty. Isak felt empty. He could still feel him everywhere in him. He had showered but he swore he could still taste him on his skin. Traces of Even were all over him. And Isak was lost because he was boarding a plane alone with no idea if he was ever going to see him again.

_‘Ask me’._

Isak never did, and now that the plane took off, he wasn’t so sure about his decision.

_What did you want me to ask you._

.

“I can’t believe you called me at the last minute and so late at night and I still showed up,” said Jakob as Isak was getting into his car. “Seriously I’m an amazing friend.”

“Well, I don’t know what to say to that,” said Isak. “You were the only one who said yes though. I’ll give you that.”

“Are you saying that you didn’t call me first?” said Jakob. “Isak, I’m hurt.”

“Jakob. Of course I didn’t call you first.”

“Damn. You’re cruel.”

“Whatever. I’m tired,” said Isak. “Thanks for picking me up from the airport though.”

“Anytime.”

Isak was tired and sleepy but Jakob’s awful music kept him awake. He stared outside the window and wondered why he was feeling so sad and so empty when he should be feeling happy.

“Where did you fly from?” said Jakob next to him, driving almost too slowly.

“Vienna.”

“That’s cool. What were you there for?”

“Uhm. Someone,” said Isak, still looking out the window. He didn’t have enough energy to lie.

“Oh. Uh. I didn’t know, uh, that you were seeing someone,” said Jakob, tripping on his words.

“I’m not _seeing_ him,” said Isak.

“Oh. What are you then?”

_Lovers. We are lovers._

“It’s complicated.”

“Well, if you ever wanna talk about it, I’m your man,” said Jakob.

“Nah, I’m good,” said Isak.

“You keep breaking my heart.”

“Someone has to.”

Jakob laughed and Isak laughed, too. It was nice. He almost forgot that Even didn’t leave him a note once again.

.

“How was the sex?” said Eskild the moment Isak closed the door.

“Great,” Isak shrugged.

“Great? That’s all I get?”

“10/10.”

“You’re very ungrateful, Isak,” said Eskild.

“Ungrateful. Yes, that’s my second name.”

“Was it worth spending all of your savings?” said Eskild.

_Yes._

“Yes,” said Isak.

“Wow, Isak you know you don’t have to spend so much money on good dick. I can give you some phone numbers. No traveling required.”

“Piss off, Eskild.”

Isak stormed off to his room, locked the door, then sank into his bed.

_Fuck._

He could still feel butterflies in his stomach. He could still feel Even’s hands on his skin. He could still hear his laugh in his head. He could still hear his low grunts, his short breaths as he lost himself in him.

He saw him every time he closed his eyes, every time he opened his eyes, every time he moved, and every time he didn’t move. Isak couldn’t eat and couldn’t sleep. He did nothing but think of him.

Isak had a small problem.

.

“What’s up with you?” said Jakob. “Why aren’t you eating?”

“Not hungry,” said Isak.

“You do look tired lately. What’s up?” said Sana.

“Nothing. Okay?!”

It was the first day of classes and they were at the cafeteria waiting for their next lecture. Isak couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, and couldn’t control his temper apparently.

“Uh, okay,” said Sana, side-eyeing him.

_I landed here four days ago. I haven’t heard from him in four days._

Isak was about to apologize for being so insufferable when his phone started vibrating in his pocket. He answered the call without looking at the number.

“Hello? Hello? Is anyone on the line? Hello?!”

He was about to hang up when he heard his voice. It felt like a punch in the face.

“Isak.” His voice sounded so lovely, even on the phone.

“Even?!”

“Wanna be my valentine?” said Even.

Isak stood up from his chair with his eyes wide and his heart racing.

“Did you just say ‘Even’?” said Sana.

“Is this your someone?” said Jakob.

“Shut up!” Isak whispered, walking away from their table, his legs threatening to give out.

“Isak?” said Even on the phone.

“Uh, hey. Hi. I’m just. Uh. Going somewhere more quiet.”

“Oh okay. How are you? I miss you,” said Even.

_Fuck you._

“I’m good. Uh. How are you?” said Isak.

“I’m feeling great. But I miss you. I miss your skin.”

_Stop._

“I, uh, where are you right now?” said Isak.

Even laughed on the phone and Isak could feel himself turn into gush. _I like you so much._

“I’m in Bucharest.”

“Oh in Romania?” said Isak.

“Yes, in Romania,” said Even. “So…”

“So what?”

“Wanna be my valentine?”

“What do you mean?”

“You know. February 14th, Valentine’s day,” said Even.

“I know when Valentine’s day is,” said Isak. “I meant what do you mean by me being your valentine.”

“I mean you and me doing romantic things and eating good food and having sex every chance we get,” said Even. “How does that sound?”

Isak didn’t have anything smart and snarky to respond with. So he just stayed quiet.

“Isak?” said Even.

“Uh. You mean on the phone?” said Isak, finally coming up with something. “I’m not sure phone sex would do it for me.”

Even laughed. Isak couldn’t see it but it still tied knots in his stomach. _You sound beautiful._

“I’m sure I can get you into phone sex, but no. I’m talking about the real deal, the whole thing, in the flesh.”

“It’s tempting but I’m not sure teleportation is a thing yet,” said Isak.

Even laughed before speaking again.

“What are you doing the weekend of February 12th?”

“Uh, I don’t know. January has barely started. I don’t plan that far ahead,” said Isak.

“Come to Paris.”

“What?”

“I’ll be in Paris. Come to Paris with me,” said Even. “Just for the weekend.”

“What the fuck, Even?”

“What? It’s the city of love. Isn’t it?”

“Even, I go to university. I have no money. I spent everything I saved up last summer on our last trip.”

“It’s on me,” said Even.

_What the fuck._

“What?! What the hell?”

“I already got you a plane ticket. Just give me your e-mail address and I’ll forward you the e-tickets.”

“You can’t be serious,” said Isak. “I’m not just flying to Paris in the middle of the semester. And I can’t accept a plane ticket. I can’t have you buying me stuff.”

“Why not?”

“Even, I. Uh. It’s. I don’t know. It’s weird. Besides where do you get all this money?”

“I’ll tell you when we meet,” said Even.

“Even.”

“It’s an open invitation. I won’t be upset if you say no.”

“But-”

“I have to go. But I got a working phone number now at least until the end of the month. I’ll be in Bucharest until my flight for Paris. But I’ll give you my new phone number as soon as I get one,” said Even.

_Oh my god._

“Uh, but-”

“I’m late but it was so nice hearing your voice, Isak. You have no idea.”

“Wait, uh. Wait,” said Isak.

“What?”

“I, uh-”

“You what?” said Even.

“I miss you, too,” said Isak.

.

Isak was late for his lecture and Jakob probably didn’t miss how flushed his face was.

“That good, huh?” said Jakob next to him.

“Piss off,” he whispered.

“Did he talk dirty to you on the phone?”

“I’m about to punch you!”

.

“He wants me to fly to Paris with him,” said Isak.

They were having coffee around campus, and Isak didn’t want to talk about this with Eskild because he knew exactly what he was going to say. Also, there was no way Jakob was letting it go.

“What?” said Jakob. “Did you tell him that you’re poor as fuck?”

“Okay. I’m not ‘poor as fuck’. I’m just poor. But yeah I did. And he said he’s paying for it.”

“Uhm. Okay what the fuck,” said Jakob. “How long have you known this guy for? This is sketch.”

“Well. I met him when I was eighteen. Now I’m twenty-one. So about three years now?” said Isak.

“But you said you met sporadically right? Like you never hung out for weeks at a time,” said Jakob.

“Yeah. But whenever we see each other we pick it up right where we left off.”

“Oh I see,” said Jakob. “Fuck.”

“What?”

“Nothing. You guys have history. It sucks.”

“Huh. What?” said Isak. “Why?”

“Nothing. I just don’t stand a chance.”

“Shut up, Jakob!” Isak rolled his eyes.

“What? I’m serious,” said Jakob, laughing. “You know I would do anything for a taste of your-”

“I’m fucking walking away now!” said Isak, his hands over his ears.

“What would it take, Valtersen? Do I have to take pictures of you, too?”

“Fuck me, why did I think telling you about this shit was a good idea?!” Isak yelled as he walked away.

.

“A flight to Paris?” said Eva, her limbs sprawled on her giant bed.

Isak loved her bed the most.

“Yeah,” he said.

“I’m so fucking jealous.”

“Eva, I’m serious. I don’t know what to do,” said Isak.

“Well, I think you should go. You’re young and hot and living the dream right now with your romantic affair. Just live in the moment.”

“It’s not a romantic affair!” said Isak.

“Whatever. I think it’s romantic as fuck.”

“Eskild thinks he’s a drug dealer,” said Isak. “I’m so done with his bitching. I think I’d rather crash here tonight.”

“A drug dealer? What?” Eva snorted.

“Or the head of a prostitution ring,” said Isak. “Eskild says that him taking pictures of me is a red sign. He also think he’s just asking me to join him in Paris so that we can fuck all weekend and he’ll dump me afterwards.”

“Eskild is wild,” Eva laughed. “But what if he were a drug dealer? Let’s not discriminate against drug dealers. It’s not cool.”  

“You’re like the worst at giving advice,” said Isak, finally joining her on the bed.

“I think you meant the best. And since when do you follow advice anyways? You always end up doing whatever you feel like doing at the end.”

“True,” Isak laughed.

“I think I’m feeling like wine tonight. Wine?” said Eva.

“Anything but champagne.”

.

“Isak.”

“Hm?”

“Are you drunk right now?” said Eva.

“I think so.”

“Are you in love?”

“What?” said Isak.

“Are you in love with him?”

“No. What the hell?”

“I just don’t want you to get hurt,” said Eva.

“I won’t get hurt.”

“I hate it when you’re hurt. You know that right?”

_I do._ Isak remembered how hard she tried to get him to smile after Matías, how she dragged him to all the parties, how she was always there for him.

“I’ll be fine. I’m a big boy, Eva.”

“I know you are.”

“Cool,” said Isak, putting his wine glass on the nightstand and fixing his hair.

“So are you going? Will you accept his invitation?” said Eva.

“I don’t know. I haven’t heard from him since he called me three days ago,” said Isak.

“Oh. Do you think he regrets it?”

“I don’t know.”

Isak was about to roll over on his side when his phone vibrated. He ignored it for a good ten minutes, but something at the pit of his stomach told him to look. So he did.

“Shit,” said Isak, suddenly sitting up.

“What?” said Eva.

“He just posted something on instagram.”

“You have his notifications turned on? That’s a bit desperate.”

“That was the only way I could get a hold of him before!” said Isak.

“What’s the post? Look at it!”

.

* * *

**Even**

23:24

When did you take that picture?

Vienna. We were on the ring tram

82 likes?

It’s at 138 likes now

Wtf

You’re beautiful

People like beautiful things

You created your account like yesterday

You didn’t even use hashtags

Do you know how many hashtags i have to use to get 20 likes?

Some of my friends found it

Of course

Haha how are you?

I’m a bit drunk

Hmm you okay?

Yeah i’m with Eva

Remember Eva?

Yes she just followed me on instagram

Fuck

She just wrote 5 comments

Pls ignore her

How are you?

Are you okay with me posting a picture of you?

Yeah whatever

I’m doing well

You’re good at that thing

What thing

Taking pictures

Glad to hear that haha

I miss you though

I miss you so much

You’re a bit drunk indeed haha

I miss you

I miss kissing you

It’s all I think about

I miss you too ❤️

❤️❤️

Come to Paris with me ❤️❤️

* * *

“I called you first this time,” said Isak, getting into Jakob’s car.

“Yeah, only because none of your friends with cars actually want you to go to Paris,” said Jakob.

“Well I could have asked Jonas.”

“Jonas doesn’t have a car,” said Jakob.

“True. Eskild is almost angry with me. Says I’m going crazy for a guy who’s playing me,” said Isak.

“I doubt he’s angry with you. I only met him like five times but he’s like a mother hen with you. I think he glared at me once when I was taking you to your room,” said Jakob.

“You took me to my room?! What? When?!”

“Yeah you were drunk as shit at one of your parties. I literally just dumped you in your bed,” said Jakob. “But Eskild came running. As if! Pfft! I don’t take advantage of drunk people.”  
“Yeah, well. I don’t know, but something tells me that you might,” said Isak.

“Why do you always hurt me?”

“Because you’re creepy, Jakob!”

“I’m driving you to the freaking airport so that you can meet your epic love! The least you could do is be nice to me!”  

.

“Take care,” said Jakob, out of the car window. “Don’t come back with a broken heart this time. Don’t let him play you.”

“Shut up! I won’t.”

“I’ll pick you up when you get back,” said Jakob.

“You don’t have to.”

“I want to.”

“Whatever,” said Isak.

* * *

**Even**

**09:34**

Did the plane take off yet?

You know i can’t text you from the sky right?

The flight has wifi. I checked.

You can use imsg

Don’t sass me

I would never :O

So?

Flight’s delayed

I’ll call you when I get to Charles de Gaulle

Where should I go? Where are you staying?

Isak

You know I’m picking you up at the airport right?

You don’t have to

I invited you here. of course i have to

No you don’t

I do

It’s what lovers do

Shut up <3

I’ll be at baggage claim

With flowers

I hope you’re joking

No why would I be

I’m not coming anymore

</3 why you playing with my heart

Why are you buying flowers

Because it’s romantic

Also it’s my birthday today you can’t ditch me

It’s your birthday?

Yeah

I’m turning 24 today

Why didn’t you tell me??

I don’t have anything for you i’m sorry

Just seeing your sweet face is enough for me <3

Shut up!

:p

* * *

Isak decided that the French were rude the moment he landed. He was trying to buy Even something from the Duty Free shops, but no one would help him.

Alright, maybe it wasn’t the entire population of France. But that one lady behind the counter literally rolled her eyes at him when he asked if she knew what to get someone for their birthday.

“What does this person like?” she asked.

“I don’t know,” said Isak.

“You don’t know?”

Even was probably waiting for him, so he grabbed a random keychain and ran to Baggage Claim with his heart in his throat.

.

_Even._

He hadn’t seen him for a month and ten days but it still felt like eternity. He didn’t even have time to think about their reunion this time. He knew that it didn’t matter and that it wouldn’t go the way he imagined it anyways. So he ran across Arrivals with his backpack that most definitely didn’t include his laptop this time, his favorite snapback sitting on top of his head, and his favorite song playing in his head. _Even, Even, Even._

.

Even picked him up. He wrapped his arms around his waist the moment Isak reached him and actually picked him up off the ground this time. _This cheesy bastard._ He even spinned them around once or twice because he was Even and kissed him on the mouth once or twice because he was Even.

Isak was intoxicated. He was disoriented. He couldn’t think. He couldn’t breathe. He was _love drunk._

“Hi,” said Even, a hand now on Isak’s face, brushing his cheek ever so gently.

“Hi,” Isak breathed.

Even kissed him again and Isak parted his lips this time and pulled him closer. _Hi._

.

“I read that the French are not big on public display of affection. They don’t like it when tourists just start making out,” said Isak.

“Since when do you care?” said Even, smiling and holding Isak’s bag.

_I can carry it myself._ But Isak was holding those _damn_ flowers instead. Lilies or _something._

“Uh. Since someone told me that I should be mindful of the cultures of countries I visit,” he admitted, slightly embarrassed and looking at the floor.

“You’re adorable,” said Even.

“Shut up!”

“We’re still gonna make out everywhere,” said Even.

“Whatever.”

.

They made out during the entire taxi ride. The moment the car moved, Even pulled him into a heated kiss, all wet and tongue and heavy breathing. And Isak was about to lose his _damn_ mind. It was too much. He couldn’t believe it. This was all he ever wanted and Even was giving it to him.

“Even. Even,” Isak panted. “Wait. Wait.”

“What?” said Even, his expression soft, so soft.

“I, uh. We’ve been in this taxi for so long. And I don’t have enough money for the ride. I planned on taking the metro. I’m sorry. I-”

Even shut him up with a kiss, a soft kiss, a toe-curling kiss.

“But-”

“I got this. It’s on me. You didn’t have to come here but you did because I asked you to. It’s my treat,” said Even.

“But I don’t want us to be like this. I don’t want you to think that I expect you to pay,” said Isak, shifting in his seat to look at him.

“Baby,” said Even, a hand on Isak’s cheek. “I know. That’s not what I think. I promise. I just want to do something to make up for how shitty I’ve been to you.”

“You haven’t been shitty-”

“Yes, I have. I always leave you hanging or give you mixed signals. I’m sorry,” said Even.

“That’s okay. I don’t blame you.”

“Isak. You should though. You really should. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, and I just want you to know that I’m sorry,” said Even.

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yeah. Okay. I accept your apology. You did leave me with blue balls in Prague,” said Isak.

“Gosh, do you have any idea how much I wanted you when we were in Prague?”

“What?”

“It was pure torture,” said Even.

“Then why didn’t you do anything? Why push me away?”

“I didn’t want to make promises I couldn’t keep.”

“I’ve heard this crap already, Even,” said Isak. “It’s bullshit.”

“I mean it. I hurt everyone I've ever loved,” said Even.

_What._

“Oh.”

_Did he just._

There was silence. Very awkward silence. And Isak didn’t know what to say or do, so he looked out the window and smiled.

“Have you been to Paris before?” said Even.

“No. This is my first time.”

“I’m glad it’s with me then.”

“I’m glad it’s with you, too,” said Isak.

.

“Reservation for Even Bech Næsheim,” said Even to the receptionist, flashing the biggest smile.

Isak stood slightly behind him, nervous and shocked by how fancy the hotel looked. _I thought we were going to some hostel._

“We hope you enjoy your stay,” said the receptionist.

“Oh we will,” said Even, putting an arm over Isak’s shoulders to pull him closer, and pressing a soft kiss to his cheek.

Isak nearly combusted at the gesture. _So sweet._

“This is my lover, Isak,” said Even.

_Oh my god._

.

Isak’s jaw almost dropped to the floor when he walked into their massive hotel room.

“What the hell?”

“Go big or go home. Right?” said Even, smiling.

“Even, I don’t know what to say. How expensive was this?”

“It doesn’t matter. I just want to do something nice for us.”

“But-”

“Stop worrying,” said Even, walking up to him and cupping his face in both hands. “There’s nothing to worry about, Isak.”

Isak closed his eyes and sighed, bringing his own hands to cover Even’s on his face.

“I’m sorry I’m such an ungrateful brat,” said Isak.

“You’re not an ungrateful brat,” said Even, before leaning in to kiss him.

He kissed him deep, slow, and personal. And Isak nearly curled into him, nearly folded himself into him. They kissed until Isak couldn’t breathe, until his heart felt like it was being squeezed inside his chest.

Even pulled back after a peck or two and pressed their foreheads together. And Isak was breathless and intoxicated once again. He couldn’t believe the effect Even had on him. He couldn’t believe it.

“I’m so fucked,” Isak sighed, his eyes still closed, forehead still pressed against his.

“Why?” said Even.

“I like you too much. Way too fucking much,” he admitted with his heart racing.

“Me too. Me too.”

They stood there in each other’s arms, trying to catch their breaths, foreheads pressed together, and Isak couldn’t believe it.

“What do you want to do right now?” Isak mumbled.

“Right now, I want to make love to you.”

.

Isak arched his back on the massive bed, and for a moment he felt bad for the mess they were about to make. Surely whoever had to wash the bedding was used to his, but he still felt bad. Not for too long, however, for Even moved his fingers and Isak nearly cried.

“Fuck!” he moaned.

“Too much?” Even asked.

“No. No. Keep going.”

Even looked so good between his legs. So concentrated and so careful and so gentle. He kissed the insides of his thighs every few once in a while, and it almost made Isak lose his mind as much as the actual teasing and prepping.

“Even. I’m ready,” he moaned.

“No, baby. Just a bit more.”

“What are you doing?” Isak shrieked when he realized what Even was about to do.

“Wanna kiss you there. Wanna kiss you everywhere.”

.

Even felt as good as he remembered him to. Isak winced in pain, but then moaned from pleasure. And Even was so gentle and so caring, yet so strong and so overwhelming. Isak tried to keep it down. He really did. But how could he.

“You can be as loud as you want,” Even whispered into his ear right before licking a long stripe along his neck.

“Even. Fuck!” Isak moaned.

“You feel so good,” Even groaned.

“Shit.”

“You’re so beautiful. You’re perfect. I can’t believe you’re real.”

“Baby,” Isak panted. “Kiss me. Kiss me please.”

They kissed and moaned into each other mouths, and Isak couldn’t help but feel like he would do this a thousand times over. He would fly anywhere Even asked him to if he got to experience this at the end. Pure bliss. It was pure bliss.

When Even pulled back and kissed the corner of his knee, _his knee!,_ Isak nearly collapsed. He couldn’t believe him. He looked so ethereal.

_I never stood a chance._

They made love until Isak cried his name again. And they did it again in the shower. And then when they started getting ready to go out.

“We’ll never leave this hotel room if you keep this going,” said Isak.

“I can’t help it,” said Even. “You’re so fucking hot.”

.

“This is cheesy, Even,” said Isak.

“What? We’re literally just walking.”

“Along Quai de La Seine around sunset. That’s very cheesy,” said Isak, smiling.

“But you liked it?”

“Maybe,” said Isak, looking away and reaching for Even’s hand with his heart drumming in his ears.

“You’re holding my hand.”

“I am.”

“You must really like it then,” said Even.

“Maybe.”

They walked along the river and crossed the Alexander III bridge right as the sun was about to set. It was truly breathtaking. And despite the cold, Isak felt warm and fuzzy inside. So when Even moved their hands so that he could lace their fingers, Isak’s heart moved inside his chest.

“Hi,” said Even with the softest smile.

“Hi.”

“It’s so beautiful don’t you think?” said Even.

“Yeah. You, too.”

“What?”

“You’re beautiful,” said Isak.

“Oh.”

Even looked genuinely surprised as if it wasn’t the most evident thing in the world, and Isak couldn’t believe it.

So he grabbed his face with both hands and kissed him right there on the bridge for everyone else to see.

“People are watching,” said Even.

“I don’t give a shit,” said Isak.

“Okay,” said Even before wrapping an arm around his waist and deepening the kiss.

“You’re beautiful,” Isak repeated. “Both inside and out. And it kills me that you don’t seem to know that.”

.

“The Eiffel tower? Really?” said Isak.

“What? It’s a landmark. We have to.”

“I thought you were all about hipster and cool places. What happened?”

“We’re lovers now. We’re lovers in Paris. We have to do what lovers do,” said Even, smiling.

“I swear if you say we’re lovers one more time I’m going to lose it,” said Isak, his face betraying his words.

“Why is your face so red, then?”

“Shut up, Even. Oh my god.”

.

“Are we waiting in line to get up?” said Isak.

“Nope.”

“Nope?”

“We’re having dinner at the Jules Verne restaurant. It offers an amazing view of Paris minus the two thousand people,” said Even.

“Uh. Dinner?”

“Yes, dinner.”

“It’s weird. I don’t think I’ve ever gone out to dinner with anyone,” said Isak.

“No?”

“No. It’s just not a thing.”

“I would take you out to dinner every day,” said Even.

“You’re so cheesy. I can’t with you.”

.

“Even, what the fuck. 200 euros?! This is too expensive. Let’s leave!” said Isak.

“I made a reservation. We can’t just leave.”

“Even, what the hell? Are you a millionaire? This is insane! This is more expensive than my flight!”

“I know. But please. Let’s just forget about money for one weekend. Just one weekend. Please?” said Even.

“But it’s too much,” said Isak. “I mean. It’s just surreal. I’ve never done anything like this before. We can use this money for so much more, and I-”

Isak couldn’t keep going because Even looked sad. He had probably planned this long in advance. He just wanted to be nice and romantic and cheesy, and Isak was ruining it by being ungrateful.

“Fine. Okay. I’m sorry for complaining,” said Isak.

.

The food wasn’t even that good but it was okay because Even looked so lovely all dressed up, and he smiled and listened to him complain about Eskild and Jakob.

“So Jakob likes you but he still roots for me?” said Even.

“Yeah,” said Isak. “It’s weird because I feel like I’ve been telling everyone about my personal life lately. I need to shut up.”

“Your personal life?” said Even. “You mean me?”

“Uh. Yeah I guess. Among other things,” said Isak.

“Other things like what? I also want to know.”

“I don’t know. Stuff about like how I felt when my virology professor looked me up and down once. It was shitty. I think he’s homophobic,” said Isak.

“What? That’s unacceptable,” said Even.

“Yeah. But you know, other stuff too. Like stuff about my family and my mom and stuff. I never used to talk about any of this to anyone. I was so closed off and angry,” said Isak.

“What about your family and your mom? I want to know things, too, if you’re willing to tell me of course.”

“I don’t think you’ve unlocked my tragic backstory yet,” Isak laughed.

“What?” Even scoffed. “I literally flew you to Paris!”

“Yeah, well you still haven’t told me what you do and how you get all this money.”

“I’ll tell you when we’re done eating.”

.

They walked along the ‘Pont des Arts’ bridge after dinner, and Even laced their fingers and smiled.

_I like you way too much, fuck._

And when he brought their hands to lips and kissed the back of Isak’s ,he couldn’t help but turn into mush.

“What are you thinking about right now?” said Even.

“I’m thinking about how much you’re killing me.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“So this cheesy stuff is working on you, huh?” said Even, beaming.

“I really hate you.”

“No, you don’t,” said Even, pulling him by the waist without so much as a warning and pressing their lips together.

It was dark now and the streets weren’t as filled with people. So Isak buried his hands in Even’s hair and pulled him closer, nearly moaning into the kiss.

“You’re so sweet,” Even mumbled against his lips.

“Don’t say that. It kills me,” said Isak.

“You’re my favorite person in the whole world.”

_Oh god._

.

Even suddenly stopped on their way back and pulled out a padlock from his pocket.

“What are you doing?” said Isak.

“I’m putting on our love lock,” said Even.

“This is a random railing. What?”

“You can’t put padlocks on the Pont des Arts anymore so desperate romantics like me have to find a way.”

“Did you just call yourself a desperate romantic?” said Isak.

“Yes,” said Even. “I mean I get why they removed the locks. It was messing with the structure of the bridge and I wouldn’t want people to die because I’m a hopeless romantic. But you know. Romance shouldn’t have to die.”

“You never cease to amaze me,” said Isak. “What am I even doing here with you?”

“Oh please. You love this.”

"How do you know so much random shit?" said Isak.

"It's not random. Everybody knows this. Also this specific piece of information I owe to a special friend of mine who gave me tips on where to take you," said Even.

"Who?"

"Petite cannabis on Twitter," said Even. "She's awesome and I think you two would bond over your love for Jonas."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Isak sighed. "I give up." 

.

Isak was too tired when they got back to their hotel room and he was anxious that Even might want to have sex again. But he didn’t. He smiled and told him that they could just sleep.

Isak curled into Even in the bed and let himself be held like he wanted to be.

He suddenly remembered something.

“I forgot to wish you a happy birthday,” said Isak, looking up from where he was lying on Even’s chest. “Happy birthday, Even.”

Even looked at him with wide eyes and brushed his thumb over Isak’s cheekbone.

“The sweetest words,” he said. “You always say the sweetest words.”

“What? How is happy birthday sweet? It’s like whatever.”

“No one has wished me a happy birthday in almost four years,” said Even.

“What? Your friends suck,” said Isak.

“They don’t really know my birthday.”

“Why not?”

“Never told them. I’m never around long enough for people to notice that I should perhaps be celebrating my birthday at some point,” said Even. “And it’s not even important. It’s just another day in the year, right?”

“No. It’s important,” said Isak.

“Hm?”

“It’s the day you were brought to life. Of course it’s important.”

“But aren’t days of the year just something we came up with? Does it really matter at the end? Why do we care so much about birthdays?” said Even.

“Because it’s a reminder that you’re alive and that you went through a whole year without losing your mind,” said Isak.

“Oh well, I can’t relate to that most of the time,” said Even with a faint laugh.

“What do you mean?”

“It’s nothing important,” said Even. “This discussion got heavy and I’m sorry I’m boring you with my sad backstory.”

“You’re not boring me. I want to know things about you, too. Like what do you do for a living and how come you have so much money.”

“Hmm. Well. I told you I do photography. It pays well,” said Even.

“I don’t buy that.”

“What?” Even scoffed. “That’s just insulting.”

“What?”

“I really do take pictures and stuff. But it’s tricky. It’s like ghost photography.”

“What the hell?” said Isak. “Like you take pictures of ghosts?”

“No, No!” Even laughed. “Oh gosh, no! That would be interesting though.”

“Then what is it?”

“It means I’m hired to take professional photographs but it gets credited to another person. Like ghostwriting.”

“What the hell? That makes no sense. Why would you do that?” said Isak.

“Because I’m good at what I do but I’m not reliable.”

“Not reliable?”

“Yeah like I can just disappear for a month or publish something fucked up and ruin everything,” said Even.

“I don’t understand shit.”

“I just. I have a good relationship with a big studio that lets me do what I want in a way. They do scenery stuff so I get sent to countries, and when I’m done with the shoots I can travel a bit on my own. It’s really fun. Sometimes when I recognize my pictures on a billboard or at some airport I can’t help but feel proud.”

“But they’re your pictures. You should be credited,” said Isak.

“It doesn’t really matter.”

“Where is this studio based?”

“London,” said Even.

“Oh. Okay.”

“Any other questions?” said Even, his fingers threading in Isak’s hair, catching a lock and curling it, soothing him.

“Why won’t you come to Norway?” said Isak.

_There it is._

“It’s complicated.”

“I’m all ears,” said Isak.

“I just can’t go back. It’s not good for me. I won’t survive it,” said Even.

“Why? What happened? What are you running from?”

“I’m not running, Isak. I just can’t go back.”

“Will you ever tell me more?” said Isak.

“I want to. I really do. But I’m scared.”

“What are you scared of?”

“Of you leaving,” said Even.

“What?”

“Everybody leaves me.”

“I won’t leave you,” said Isak, looking straight into Even’s eyes. “Whatever it is, I don’t give a shit. Even if you’re involved in prostitution. I don’t care.”

“Isak. Oh gosh,” Even laughed.

“Let’s not talk about this. It’s your birthday. You shouldn’t be upset,” said Isak.

“I’m not upset.”

“No?”

“No. I’m very happy right now actually,” said Even.

“Cool. I like that.”

.

Isak woke up around two in the morning because Even was holding too close, too tight. He couldn’t breathe.

“Even? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I just can’t believe you’re here with me,” said Even. “I’m sorry.”

“Oh. I forgot to give you something,” said Isak.

“What?”

Isak got out of bed and grabbed the random keychain he had gotten at the airport.

“What is this?” said Even.

“Alright so I know this is lame as shit. But I was panicking at the airport because I didn’t get you anything and I grabbed this without even looking at it,” said Isak.

“It’s a keychain.”

“Yes, it is.”

“It’s in the form of a key,” said Even. “It’s key shaped.”

“It is.”

“What does this key open?” said Even.

“Here’s the thing. And I hope you don’t hold this against me. But this is the key to anything you want it to be.”

“What?”

“If this key could open anything for you what would it be?” said Isak.

“This is very cheesy indeed. I’m impressed,” said Even. “I rubbed off on you.”

“Shut up. It’s 2 in the morning.”

“Yeah, well. The only key I want is the key to your heart,” said Even.

_Ugh._

“Once again you’ve managed to out-cheese me, congratulations,” said Isak.

Even laughed and Isak laughed. And they held one another and fell asleep in each other’s arms.

_You already have it. The key to my heart. You’ve had it all along. My heart is all yours for the taking._

.

“What are we doing today?” said Isak.

Even dragged him to the Louvre museum, to Le Jardin du Luxembourg, and to Sacré Cœur in Montmartre. Isak smiled the entire time because everything was so pretty and the weather was great. They walked all day and Even took pictures of him all day.

“Are you going to post these on your instagram?” said Isak.

“Maybe. Why?”

“No reason,” Isak shrugged. “Also wasn’t it supposed to rain today?”

“Might rain later.”

* * *

**Eskild**

14:21

So

Are you still alive

Has he kidnapped you yet

He took me to the Jules Verne restaurant in the Eiffel tower

No fucking way NO FUCKING WAY

Isak don’t you DARE USE MY MEMES ON ME

Oh my god! Who is he? I will suck his dick too

Piss off Eskild!

No but how are you lol?

Is he nice?

That’s all that matters to me

Is this just sex?

No it’s not

I promise

Okay

Take care of yourself my little hunnie bunnie

Bye ugh.

* * *

They sat down and had lunch at one of the terrace cafés, and Even talked about some movie he really liked. Isak loved it. So he smiled and nodded and asked him to tell him more about it.

They stayed on that terrace until clouds covered the sky and the rain was no longer a possibility but a certainty.

“Shit, it started raining already,” said Isak as they were making their way to the Champs Elysées.

“Don’t like the rain?”

“No, I don’t. Why? Do you?”

“I do,” said Even.

“Why? Your clothes just get wet and it’s gross,” said Isak. “Like right now.”

“It’s romantic.”

“Oh shut up.”

“What? It is! Kissing under the rain. There’s nothing more romantic,” said Even.

Isak was about to protest. He had an entire list of counterexamples. This was a debate he was definitely going to win. He was already soaked and this wasn’t romantic at all.

But then Even pulled him in by the waist again and crashed their lips together, and Isak forgot his counterexamples and his examples and his entire little speech.

It was incredible. Isak made a mental note to go home and write this down somewhere, anywhere really. He was going to write a review on Yelp or something. He was going to make a reaction video on Youtube probably. _Kissing under the rain 110% recommend._

Even’s hands were on his hips and Isak’s were on Even’s face. It was raining hard now, and they were probably the only two people standing there without coverage. _But who cares._

Isak pulled and pulled and pulled, and Even let him. Their kisses were wet and sloppy and passionate, and Isak only ever wanted to do this from now. It was the most intense kiss he had ever experienced.

“Shit.”

“We should go back before you get pneumonia,” said Even.

“You don’t get pneumonia from standing in the rain, Even.”

“Sorry. My bad. Forgot I was with a medical Doctor over here.”

“Future Doctor!”

.

They ran to their hotel with their hands laced together and were met with interesting looks from people in the lobby. But Isak and Even didn’t care. They laughed and stumbled into the elevator with wet clothes and lunged at each other the moment the door closed.

“Want you,” Even mumbled. “Want you so bad.”

“Yes. Please.”

“Please what?”

“Fuck me.”

And Even did, with all his might and all his heart. Marking his skin and marking his soul and marking his heart. Isak knew. He just knew that he would never get over this, whatever this was. He knew that Even was _that_ person for him. The person that would stay in his heart forever, that would make walking down some streets painful because he would be the only all too consuming thought. Isak knew that denying their connection was pointless and harmful at this point. Isak really liked Even. He probably loved him. He didn’t know, but he probably did. He had never cared about someone’s happiness this much before. Isak probably did. And now that Even was tattooing his fingerprint on his heart, he knew that he had to fight for this, whatever this was.

“Baby,” Isak panted. “Even. Baby.”

“Yes. Yes.”

“Please.”

“Please what?” said Even.

“Please,” Isak moaned, bringing him down for an open mouthed kiss as Even lost himself in him.

“Isak, what. Anything you want. Anything.”

“Please baby,” Isak begged, and _oh gosh, are those tears?_ “Please.”

“Oh my god, Isak. What’s wrong?”

“No, don’t stop. Just-”

Isak grabbed his face and kissed him again, and _kissing you is all I ever do._

Even was close. He knew it. And he was, too. _Oh gosh. Pure bliss. Pure bliss._

They both climaxed at the same moment and Isak loved it. He loved it.

.

“Isak,” Even panted, still towering over him, all muscle and perfect hair and flawless skin. “What is it?”

“Just give me a chance.”

“What?”

“Please. Even, please.”

“Isak-”

“Give us a chance. I want you. I want all of you. Please!” said Isak, his hands on Even’s face.

He was in a sex trance and he couldn’t even control what he was saying.

“I don’t know how it’s gonna work since you won’t come back to Norway. But I don’t care. We’ll make it work. We can meet in Sweden or Denmark. I don’t know. I just. I want more. I’m sorry but I want more. I want skype dates and I want to know when we’re meeting next. I want to spend weeks with you. I want to wake up next to you and know that I have more than three days left with you. I want all of you. I want more.”

Even looked down at him, all disheveled and gorgeous and beautiful and Isak’s heart was beating out of his chest. He was so embarrassed.

“Even?”

“Do you remember in Vienna at the airport when I asked you to ‘ask' me?” said Even.

“Uh, yeah.”

“Do you know what I wanted you to ask?”

“I thought it was about your skype again or something,” said Isak.

“No,” Even smiled, brushing his hands over Isak’s face.

“What did you want me to ask about?”

“I wanted you to ask me to come with you,” said Even.

“What?”

“I even got a ticket. I was coming.”

“What? But you wouldn’t even give me your skype.”

“I freaked out when you asked for my phone number. I’m sorry,” said Even. “But then at the airport I was just like if he asks. If he asks me, I will go.”

“Fuck. I’m stupid,” said Isak, covering his face.

“No you’re not.”

“What happened to the promises you can’t keep?” said Isak.

“I want to start making promises now. And I will keep them.”

“Yes?”

“Yes,” said Even.

“What’s the first promise you will make me then?” Isak smiled.

Even leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to his forehead.

“I will never leave you.”

.

Even left him.

.

Isak wasn’t sure what went wrong between the time they went to bed and when they woke up on Sunday, on actual Valentine’s day. Isak wasn’t sure. They didn’t even talk for that long. They were supposed to go to Disneyland before Isak's flight later in the evening. They didn't talk for that long. Isak talked about how school was stressing him out and how he couldn’t figure out a specialty. He also talked about his _shitty_ virology professor again. He might have mentioned a thing or two about Magnus and Vilde but he didn’t even elaborate on that. The last thing he talked about was his mother, and how Isak hadn’t talked to her in 3 years because she was so _fucking crazy_ that he had to leave. Even actually went quiet after that but he still held him. He still kissed him.

Then he asked, “What do you mean crazy?”

And Isak answered. “Like mentally ill. I can handle everything, Even. But I can’t handle mental illness. You think you would stay. Everybody does. But if you saw it. If you saw what it did to me, how it fucked me up, you would understand. I’m not proud of leaving. I love my mother and if something happens to her it will break me, but I don’t regret leaving. I can handle everything, Even. But I can’t have mentally ill people in my life. That's like the only good decision I've ever made in my life.”

After that they went to sleep. And the next morning, Isak woke up to a note.

.

> _Dear Isak,_
> 
> _I am sorry._
> 
> _May we meet again in a life where I’m not fucking crazy, in a life where the universe doesn’t hate me, in a life where you want me, ALL of me. I am letting you go before I break you like you broke me. I will never forget you, but god, I hope you forget me._
> 
> _Take care of yourself my love. I will keep the key to your heart in my heart forever._
> 
> _Yours, always._
> 
> _Even._

.

There was a car waiting for him at the entrance of the hotel, and Isak cried during the entire ride to the airport. It hurt too much. His whole soul was cracked. He was destroyed.

.

Isak hoped that Jakob wouldn’t be there, but he was _right there_ in the Arrivals area, waiting like the _dumb shit_ that he was.

“I told you not to fucking get me!” Isak yelled.

“Isak, what the fuck. Are you okay?” said Jakob.

“Fuck. No, I’m not!”

“What the hell happened? What the fuck?”

Isak dropped his bag on the floor because he was so tired and so broken. He couldn’t take it anymore.

“Isak?”

“He broke me, Jakob. He fucking broke me,” Isak sobbed.

.

Even deleted his instagram account, and all trace of him was gone except from Isak’s heart, body, and soul.

.

When they met again, it was a year and a half later in a dark alley in Shibuya, Tokyo. When they met again, Even was twenty-five, Isak was twenty-three, and Jakob was about to lean in for another kiss. When they met again, Even set fire to his heart, and the promises he made, he kept this time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Comments and kudos mean the world.  
> I'm sorry for being MIA lately. The universe gave me some lemons lately and I'm very crushed to say the least. I'm in the process of making lemonade though haha, and writing this helped me feel better yay.  
> .  
> I'm sorry for this. I know I suck. But you saw it coming. Leave me hate in the comments it's okay haha.  
> .  
> Jakob gets a shot in this universe. How do you feel about that.  
> Even was throwing money out of the window in this chapter. thoughts?  
> Isak really is gone for Even. He was before, but in this chapter he just realizes that he's in love with Even and that there's no way around it. He got his heart broken, and when we meet him again, he will be slightly different.  
> Also the instagram will obviously make a return. Isak has a long way to go. We'll explore his relationship with his mother a bit more.  
> Any guesses on where chapter 8 will be set? :p This location might be the best one yet.  
> .  
> A big THANK YOU to everyone leaving me locations and inspiration in the comments aaaah love you all so much. also @jonasismissing aka Petite Cannabis thank you so much kfdkjjkf i went meta for you. byee <3


	7. Tokyo: Finally found you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What are we doing?"  
> "Slow dancing. We're slow dancing."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a bit long and messy. Forgive me <3 hope you like it it

**_March 2022_ **

Isak rolled over in Jakob’s bed and sighed.

_Well, this was a mistake._

Jakob was snoring softly beside him, looking somewhat sheepish, somewhat innocent, his skin tanned and his hair dark and soft. He looked like he could easily get eight hours of sleep a night without sleeping pills, like his thoughts didn’t eat him from the inside out. Jakob was everything Isak wished he could be, everything he wished he could want. But Isak didn’t want him. Isak had just slept with someone he didn’t want. _For the third time._ And he felt bad. Isak felt bad.

_I’m sorry._

He was drunk. That much he could make out. Jakob was probably even more intoxicated than he was. He didn’t really want this.

“Not like this, Isak. Not like this,” Jakob insisted.

But Isak had pretty much begged and there they were. There he was, at 2 in the morning with a bitter aftertaste in his mouth and a heart filled with regret in his chest. _What the fuck am I even doing._

Isak got out of bed, made his way to the kitchen, and poured himself a glass of water.

After that he pulled out his phone, scrolled down to the one number he ever wanted to call, and typed out a text.

* * *

**Fucking Even**

**02:28**

I’ll be in tokyo in augst

augstt

aguust

fuck

august

if you wanna talk

* * *

Isak got dressed and shoved his phone in his pocket, not expecting a reply. He only ever texted Even when he got drunk out if his mind ever since he got the number, and he never really got a reply.

_Whatever._

Isak then stumbled his way back home, leaving Jakob to wake up in an empty bed again, hoping he would forget but knowing that he wouldn’t.

.

When Isak woke up, a text was waiting for him.

* * *

**Fucking Even**

**07:13**

Where in Tokyo?

* * *

 

**February 2021**

Isak didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t have the energy to even think about it. He locked himself in his room the moment he got back from the airport, washing all memories of Paris off his skin. After that, he curled around himself in bed for a week, maybe two. Only leaving to go to class. Sometimes ditching, too.

Eskild stopped by his room a few times, offering food and tea and a shoulder to cry on. But Isak didn’t want food. He didn’t want tea. And he didn’t want a shoulder to cry on. He just wanted to feel less empty, less awful, less crushed. He just wanted to feel like the world wasn’t ending.

He had poured his heart out to Even and he had been terrified, so terrified.

_Please say yes. Please don’t break me. Please give me a chance._

And Even did. Even said yes. Even gave him a chance. And then he left. He left him alone in an empty bed. He broke him and he left.

Isak couldn’t even get through the whole note. His heart tightened the moment he saw the piece of paper and tears started gathering in his eyes the moment he read ‘ _I am sorry’_. He skimmed the rest of the note. He didn’t have it in him. He didn’t understand. He didn’t want to. It hurt too much.

He threw on his clothes and piled his belongings in his backpack and ran out. Isak couldn’t take it.

_He left me. He promised. He fucking promised. And he left me._

.

Isak only re-read the note about a month later when his heart had settled back into his chest. It still hurt, but at least he couldn’t feel it cracking whenever he moved. At least he could no longer feel the ghost of his touch on his skin.

.

 

_Dear Isak,_

_I am sorry._

_May we meet again in a life where I’m not fucking crazy, in a life where the universe doesn’t hate me, in a life where you want me, ALL of me. I am letting you go before I break you like you broke me. I will never forget you, but god, I hope you forget me._

_Take care of yourself my love. I will keep the key to your heart in my heart forever._

_Yours, always._

_Even._

 

.

Isak cried. He cried because he realized that Even was hurting when he wrote it. He could feel the pain in his words. His words that were finally reaching him now. He realized that he should have probably read it earlier. He realized that he should have probably tried to understand earlier.

Isak threw on a ratty t-shirt and ran to Jonas’ apartment with wet eyelashes and a heavy heart.

.

“Are you ready to talk now?” said Jonas as he opened the door.

But then he stopped because he could probably see how distressed Isak was. He could probably tell that he had cried. Jonas could always tell.

.

“Shit,” Jonas muttered. “Where did you get this note?”

“He left it in the hotel room,” said Isak.

“You mean a month ago?”

“Yeah.”

“What? And you’re only reading it now?” said Jonas.

“I read it back then but I never really got through it. I was so fucking angry and sad,” Isak admitted.

“But bro, he’s saying that you broke him and stuff. What did you do to him?”

“I don’t know! I didn’t do anything,” said Isak.

“Were you texting with Eskild and he thought you were two-timing or something?”

“No. What the fuck.”

“And what does he mean a life where he’s not fucking crazy?” said Jonas. “Did you call him crazy?”

“No! I didn’t. But he always calls himself crazy,” said Isak.

“What did you talk about before he left?”

“I don’t know. Like random shit. Uni stuff and I don’t know. I talked about my mom, I guess,” said Isak.

“Fuck,” Jonas sighed.

“What?”

“What did you say about your mom?” said Jonas.

“I don’t know. I just said that she’s crazy and that I can’t handle having mentally ill-”

Isak paused and he noticed how Jonas’ face almost at the same time as his heart. Jonas had heard Isak’s little speech before. He had fought Isak’s views before. Jonas was all too familiar with his _shitty_ views.

“Oh my god!” Isak shrieked. “Oh my fucking god!”

“Bro.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?!” Isak got up from Jonas’ couch and started pacing around the room.

“You fucked up.”

.

“You think he’s mentally ill?” said Isak.

They were both lying on the floor passing a joint back and forth.

“I don’t know. You’re the one who’s been living an epic romance with him,” said Jonas.

“I don’t know anything.”

“Maybe someone close to him is mentally ill? Maybe a family member? What do you know about him?” said Jonas.

“I know that he won’t come back to Norway and that his fiancée left him because she found out he’s _fucking crazy_ ,” said Isak, his own words feeling like a slap to the fact. “Fuck! I’m so fucking dumb.”

.

“I’m sorry I never really told you about Even and me,” said Isak.

“It’s okay. I kinda figured you would tell me when you’re ready,” said Jonas.

“What do you mean?”

“Eva told me some stuff.”

“Fucking Eva,” Isak muttered.

“She was just worried about you,” said Jonas, taking a drag of the joint. “Besides, I kinda knew what was going on.”

“Hm?”

“Even. He hit me up a couple of times,” said Jonas.

“What?!” Isak sat up on his elbow to look at Jonas.

“Yeah. How do you think he found your instagram, huh?”

“Wait. What the fuck?!”

“Your username is isakyaki. It’s almost impossible to find you,” said Jonas.

“What in the universe are you saying Jonas?!” Isak almost yelled.

.

“I ran into him in Patagonia after I left you in Buenos Aires,” said Jonas. “He kinda looked familiar and he was wearing a jacket that looked like Matías’ you know, the one you used to wear.”

Isak just stared at Jonas with a blank expression.

“So yeah I thought this dude looked familiar but I couldn’t really place him. Then I think he recognized me because he just walked up to me and asked me how I was. When he said his name was Even, I just laughed for a good ten minutes because of course. Even, the guy from Sweden. We talked about you for a while and I told him that I felt like shit for leaving you behind, but he said it was probably better for you to be alone and that he had spent a few days with you in Buenos Aires. At this point, I kinda figured that something must have happened between you two because he was wearing your jacket you know. And he seemed to know that you were sad. So we traveled together for a bit with other people and I told him a bit about you and UiO and-”

“Fuck!” Isak interrupted him.

“What?”

“That’s how he knew I was from Oslo!”

“Uh. I guess,” said Jonas.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I don’t know. When I got back, you were so crushed about Matías, and then you came out to everyone and it just seemed so irrelevant,” said Jonas.  

“I guess.”

“But we exchanged contact information. And by that I mean I gave him my facebook and my phone number. And he had neither. I was a bit offended but I tried not to take it personally,” Jonas laughed.

“So typical of him,” Isak smiled.

“So yeah. He hit me up when you were in Morocco or something. He asked for your instagram account. It was so funny. It took me like ten minutes to figure out who he was,” said Jonas.

“But yeah. I’ve known for a while. I was just waiting for you to tell me but you never did.”

Isak sighed then lay back onto his back on the floor.

“I wasn’t sure about anything. I couldn’t tell you. I was so scared you might tell me to drop it,” said Isak. “You know you’re the only one who can make me change my mind about anything.”

Jonas laughed.

“You know I have your back no matter what, right?”

“Yeah,” said Isak.

“Now, let’s figure out a way for you to tell this guy that you’re sorry.”

.

Isak couldn’t find him. He even enlisted the help of Jakob’s nerdy friend David from the computer science department, but they couldn’t find anything on him.

“The deep web? Really?” said Jakob.

“I don’t fucking know. Okay? I’m a bit desperate over here,” said Isak.

.

“Hi,” said Isak, looking down at Sana from where he towered over her in the library.

“What do you want?” said Sana. “I’m trying to study.”

“Even.”

“What about him?”

“How do you know him?” said Isak.

“I’m not answering that.”

“Please,” said Isak.

“I’m not in the business of gossiping about people.”

“Sana. I promise you this isn’t gossip. I really need to talk to him,” said Isak.

“Why? What happened?”

“I don’t know if you’re aware. But, uh, we had a thing.”

“Of course I’m aware. Everyone and their dog is aware, Isak. You spent all of our time in the desert with him.”

“For fuck’s sake,” Isak muttered.

“So what did you do?” said Sana.

“I fucked up.”

“What do you need to know?”

“How to reach him?” said Isak.

“I don’t know how to reach him either. I don’t think anyone does.”

“Fuck me.”

“Any more questions?” said Sana.

“How do you know him?”

“I can’t tell you that.”

“Why not?!” said Isak.

“Because then you’ll start digging and it’s not fair to him. If he doesn’t want you to know stuff, it’s his right.”

“Sana, I’m your friend!”

“Yeah, well he’s my friend, too,” said Sana.

“I can’t believe you!”

“Whatever,” she shrugged. “Any more questions? I have to study.”

Isak sighed then gathered all of his courage before uttering his next words.

“Is he mentally ill?”

Sana didn’t have to answer for her face gave it away. Isak was crushed. He was so angry at himself. He couldn’t believe it. He couldn’t believe it.

_I must have hurt you so fucking much._

.

“Try big photography studios in London,” said Isak.

“Dude, I already did,” said David, Jakob’s friend. “This guy is a ghost. I’m telling you. He’s nowhere to be found.”

Isak sank into Jakob’s couch and sighed.

“This is bullshit. It’s 2021. I should be able to find a fucking blond giraffe on the internet,” said Isak.

“Who is this guy anyways?” said David.

_The man of my dreams._

“Just some guy,” said Jakob.

.

“You know. You’ve been looking for him for weeks now,” said Jakob.

David had left and Isak was frustrated.

“Your point?” said Isak.

“Perhaps it’s time to move on.”

“Excuse me?”

“I mean, you know, uh-” Jakob paused.

“What? What do you mean?”

“Nothing. I just-”

“What, Jakob? Just say it, okay?” said Isak with bitterness in his voice.

“At the end of the day, he still left you.”

.

Jakob was right. And after a few more weeks, Isak started feeling sad again. He was sad because Even left him. His epic love really did leave him. He didn’t even try to have a conversation with him. He just took off with _the key to his heart._

Months rolled by and Isak wasn’t even angry anymore. He was just numb to it all. Some days, he blamed himself. Others, he blamed Even. But the worst days were when he blamed the universe. _The fucking universe._

Isak took out Even’s denim jacket and wore it until summer made it physically unbearable to do that anymore. He got so drunk one night that he turned on the AC in the middle of the night and slept with nothing but Even’s jacket on.

“How many times do I have to tell you that I hate it when you turn the AC on when I’m sleeping?” Eskild groaned after he probably woke up freezing in his own bed.

But his anger quickly dissipated. Perhaps because he saw the state that Isak was in.

“Oh you poor thing,” he sighed.

“I miss him,” Isak mumbled with tears all over his face. “I miss him so much.”

.

“We’re getting you laid,” Eskild declared.

“Uhm no?”

“Uhm yes.”

.

It didn’t work. Isak couldn’t do small talk anymore. He couldn’t deal with strangers.

_What if I fall in love with you and you leave me, too. Huh?_

.

Isak worked at the hospital all summer and never left Oslo, not even for a day. School started before he could even process it, and Isak focused on getting the best grades possible and on being placed in the best internship program possible.

He was becoming detached, so detached. He barely went out with the guys. He barely did anything at all. His life revolved around school and work.

.

It was New Year’s Eve and Isak wanted to cry. He wanted to cry because a year earlier, he was with Even in Vienna, _making love_. He hadn’t cried in months. It wasn’t a thing he did anymore. He hadn’t had sex with anyone since Even back in February. He hadn’t kissed anyone since Even back in February. He hadn’t thought of anyone since Even back in February.

“You okay?” said Jakob. “You look like you’re about to cry.”

“Fuck’s sake,” Isak muttered. “Do you have to follow me around even at parties?”

He never meant for it to sound mean, but it just did. They were at Eva’s New Year’s Eve party, and Eskild had literally forced him to come.

“Uh. Sorry. It’s just that you’re drinking a lot and I’m a bit worried about you,” said Jakob.

“Shit,” Isak sighed. “I’m sorry for acting like a dick. Thanks for looking out for me and stuff.”

“Anytime,” said Jakob, his smile warm and kind, and Isak truly didn’t deserve him.

.

Isak drank all night. He had shots with everyone who suggested a shot, and had champagne even though he hated it. The more he drank, the heavier his heart felt in his chest. It had been almost a year. Yet there he was. Still heartbroken. Still full of regrets. Still unable to move on.

Isak stumbled across the party and some guy dug his fingers into his skin by the stairs. He didn’t realize he was drunk until Jakob all but pushed the guy away.

“What the fuck are you doing, Isak?”

“I don’t know! I don’t fucking know! I’m so sick of feeling like this!” Isak couldn’t even recognize his own voice. There was too much pain in it. _What the fuck._

“It kills me to see you like this,” said Jakob. “It fucking kills me!”

“I don’t know how to make it stop!” Isak didn’t realize he was crying until Jakob’s hands were on his face, wiping his tears away.

“Isak, are you crying?” said Vilde who happened to be walking by the stairs.

“Fuck-”

Jakob dragged him outside by the hand and shielded him from everyone’s judgy eyes. Isak was so tired but he didn’t miss how Jakob was also stumbling, also drunk.

“Do you want me to take you home?” said Jakob.

“Can we go to your place instead?”

.

Isak had sex with Jakob for the first time that night. He hated it. He hated all of it. It was hasty and sloppy and Isak had begged, but halfway through it he burst into tears, and for some reason Jakob cried, too.

“You deserve a love that doesn’t hurt,” said Jakob.

“I don’t deserve shit,” said Isak.

“You do. You deserve so much,” said Jakob.

“Do you love me?” said Isak, fully aware of how cruel the question was, hoping it would deter him, hoping it would make him hate him a little bit.

“So much. I love you so much,” Jakob said instead.

_But I love him._

.

Isak left him in the middle of the night and only remembered to check his phone around 3 in the morning.

* * *

**Unknown Number**

**00:00**

There’s a proverb in French that says “Loin des yeux, loin du cœur” which literally translates to “far from the eyes, far from the heart.” It’s the equivalent of “Out of sight, out of mind” but it’s much more powerful in French, don’t you think? The heart. Not the mind. The heart! It’s like they knew I trust my heart more than I would ever trust my mind.

It’s actually translated from Latin and a poet named Properce wrote this a long time ago. Don’t want to bore you with that though.

“Far from the eyes, far from the heart”. This Properce guy was full of shit, let me tell you.

My eyes ache to see you and you haven’t left my heart, or my mind for that matter. Not even for a second. I see you everywhere I go and I hear you everywhere I go. Every day I’m reminded of you because my heart, you see my heart, my heart hurts. It still does. But it aches for you, only you. I don’t know what to do. I can’t fucking breathe and I can’t fucking think. But gosh, I hope you can. I really hope you can. Last year I lost myself in you and this year I probably will, too.

Happy New Year.

* * *

Isak ran home and threw up. He took a shower then drank coffee. He read the text a thousand times. He called Jonas but he wasn’t responding. He called the world but no one was responding.

* * *

**  
Unknown Number**

**05:12**

Im SO SORRY

EVEN PLEASE FORGIVE ME

PLEASE

* * *

Even never answered but it was okay. Isak didn’t really expect him to. He looked up the area code and it was in Iceland.

He obsessed over it for a few days then dropped it. He wasn’t going through this again.

_‘You deserve a love that doesn’t hurt.’_

.

Isak and Jakob never talked about their night. It was a tacit agreement but Isak knew. He knew how much he hurt him. He just knew. But the thing about tacit agreements was that they didn’t need to be discussed.

Isak did his best to forget about Even’s text but it wasn’t working.

_Fuck him. Just fuck him._

And on February 12th, he couldn’t help it.

* * *

**Fucking Even**

**02:13**

Happy birthday

You’re killing me

* * *

Isak was going to Tokyo with Jakob, Jonas, and Eskild for a few weeks in August. Jonas was about to start a full-time job with crazy hours, and it was his last chance to travel as a free man.

Isak didn’t want to at first as simply driving by the airport sent shivers down his spine. But Jonas and Eskild insisted and here they were booking flights in the middle of March for August.

.

Isak slept with Jakob again, this time in his own apartment. And when he woke up, he shrieked in horror and walked to Eva’s house.

* * *

**  
Eskild**

**10:23**

Wtf why is Jakob naked in your room?

Fuck my life

WHAT THE FUCK ISAK

What

It’s called sex

Jakob?

JAKOB????!!!!!!

We were drunk

Doesn’t mean anything

Isak this boy is in LOVE WITH YOU

Shut up

ISAK

For fuck’s sake

Weren’t you the one busting my balls about getting laid??

Not with fucking Jakob!!!

And do i need to remind you that we’re going to Tokyo together??

What if it gets messy??

It won’t

But like

What?

Bye

* * *

The third time it happened, he sent Even a text and Even replied.

“Where in Tokyo?”

.

Isak was stupid for him. He really was. He sent him his entire itinerary and Even never replied.

_Fuck you._

* * *

 

**August 2022**

Tokyo was hot and humid and Isak couldn’t believe he had agreed to this. But Jonas was happy and Eskild was a riot, running everywhere in his weird clothes looking like he was where he belonged.

Jakob was quiet. He was quiet and gentle and just _there_. He had switched seats with Eskild on the plane. And when Isak woke up, he found himself leaning against Jakob’s shoulder.

“Eskild was sick of you drooling all over him,” Jakob shrugged.

Isak smiled and nuzzled deeper in his neck, feeling him relax beside him.

_I deserve a love that doesn’t hurt._

They weren’t together but Jakob was always there for him, offering hugs and emotional support and sex occasionally. They never talked about it and Isak didn’t want to.

It was the weirdest arrangement and Jonas was not too fond of it.

.

Shibuya was big and overwhelming and full of people and cars and crossings and neon lights. It was exactly like in the movies, and Isak loved it. Despite the heat and the humidity, Isak loved it. They went shopping on their first day and Eskild bought so much weird stuff that Isak couldn’t even be bothered anymore. They spent half a day in the department store Shibuya 109 and then the rest of the day in Tokyo Hands.

Eskild bought a pink wig and wore it the entire time, after that they got drunk out of their mind in a crowded bar and headed for karaoke.

“Arigatoooo guzaymaaaaasu!” Isak almost yelled at the waitress who laughed with her hand covering her mouth before thanking him in return.

.

“Oh my god Isak. Sake really isn’t your thing,” Jonas laughed.

“Shut up. I am the master of Sake! Nobody can handle Sake better than me!” said Isak, tripping on his own feet, only still up because Jakob was holding him.

They headed to Family Mart, bought two packs of Kirin beer and drank them outside the Karaoke lobby while lots of young people who seemed like they were in high school were going in and out of the building.

“We should probably go in if we want to get a room,” said Jakob.

”What about the beer?” said Jonas.

“Fear not, my children!” said Eskild.

He shoved some cans beneath his shirt and gave the rest to Isak.

“Why me?” he whined.

“Put that ugly Denim jacket you’re so obsessed with to good use. Will you?”

.

The room included unlimited alcohol, and they all found it so hilarious that they laughed for about fifteen minutes.

“Yo, we’re so fucking drunk!” said Jakob.

“Not nearly as much as Isak,” said Jonas.

“Fuck off!”

.

They sang some stupid songs and were joined by other tourists in the room. Isak had no idea how they even got in. He wasn’t keeping track anymore. He uploaded silly videos to his instagram story, and Eskild might have licked his face once or twice. Isak was on tambourine duty for the rest of the night as the boys sang while he tried to match the beat.

He was so euphoric that he didn’t mind Jakob’s arm around his shoulders. He was so euphoric that he forgot about how Even wasn’t there with him, about how he was still wearing his jacket when he hadn’t seen him in a year and a half. _Whatever._

.

“Wanna get some air?” said Jakob.

“Yes, please.”

.

They were in a dark alley in Shibuya at the oddest hour, and Jakob was kissing him. For the first time ever, Isak was letting Jakob kiss him when they weren’t rolling around in bed. They were kissing for the sake of kissing. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Jakob’s kisses were sweet but Isak didn’t feel much. He felt bad for always comparing anything Jakob ever did to Even, but he couldn’t help it.

“Isak,” Jakob whispered.

“Hm?”

“Give us a chance.”

“What?” said Isak.

“Give me a chance. I’ll be good to you. I promise,” said Jakob.

Isak took a step back to take a good look at him. Jakob. Everything Isak wished he could be. Everything Isak wished he could want.

He still didn’t want him. But he never really gave him a chance. He never really gave him a shot.

“Isak?”

Isak smiled, then cupped Jakob’s face and pecked him on the lips.

.

Jakob was leaning in for another kiss when Isak heard his voice. His heart immediately dropped out of his chest. His eyes immediately shot open.

“Marcus, wait!” said Even in the distance. “Don’t run!”

Isak pushed Jakob off of him so hard that he nearly fell.

“Isak?!” Jakob screamed after him.

But Isak was long gone. He was running now. Running after Even who was running after someone named Marcus. In the middle of the night. In the middle of Shibuya.

.

“Even?!” Isak yelled after him. “Even! Wait!”

.

It was him. He stopped dead in his tracks. He stopped and when he turned around, Isak’s knees gave out.

_Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!_

Even walked towards him in slow motion. Well, probably not. But in his head, it all happened in slow motion.

Isak had stopped breathing. How could he breathe? There was fire in his chest now, too. _Oh gosh._ There he was, in his face, looking as beautiful as ever, as ethereal as ever. _Even._

“Even?”

Even cupped his face and leaned in. And for a moment Isak thought he was going to kiss him. He really thought he was going to kiss him. But Even just stared at him instead. He stared and stared and stared, and Isak couldn’t believe it. He couldn’t believe it.

_Say something._

“Finally found you,” said Even.

.

“Who is this?” said Jakob, out of breath, finally caught up, probably noticing Even’s massive hands on his face.

Isak couldn’t think of words. He couldn’t think of anything to say.

“Hi,” said Even, extending his right hand, keeping his left one on Isak’s cheek. “I’m Even.”

“Oh.”

.

Isak was walking alone with Even. It was probably four in the morning. Isak couldn’t tell. He was still jetlagged. It was his first full day in Tokyo. He was in Tokyo. The most populated metropolitan area in the world. And Even had _found him._

.

“Cool jacket,” said Even.

“Thanks,” said Isak. “It’s yours.”

“I remember.”

“Good.”

“Who was that?” said Even.

“Jakob,” said Isak.

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” Isak mumbled.

“You two-?”

“Sort of.”

“Okay,” said Even.

Isak felt absurd. He felt like it was yet another weird dream and that he was going to wake up any minute now.

“How have you been?” said Even.

“Heartbroken,” said Isak. “You?”

“Heartbroken.”

.

They stopped at a 24/7 conbini and got instant noodles.

“It’s five in the morning,” said Isak.

“Tastes even better,” said Even.

Even was right. Isak had never eaten anything that delicious in his life.

“Oh my god! Do you think I can take this back with me to Norway?” said Isak.

“I think you can do anything,” said Even, a soft smile on his face.

“Really?”

“What?”

“You think I can do anything?” said Isak.

“Of course.”

“I think you can do anything, too.”

.

Even smoked outside the conbini and Isak watched him, his eyes never leaving him, not even for a second.

“What?” said Even.

“Can’t believe it.”

“Can’t believe what?” said Even.

“That you found me.”

“Well,” Even smiled. “I did cheat a little bit.”

“Hm?”

“I looked at your instagram story. Kinda figured you were around here. Marcus and I visited about 10 karaoke places before _you_ found _me._ ”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“You could have just messaged me,” said Isak. “Didn’t know you were back on insta.”

“I’m not. We used Marcus’.”

“Marcus. Why does this name seem familiar?” said Isak.

“German Marcus. Argentina, Buenos Aires. Remember him?”

“You kept in touch with Marcus and not with me?” said Isak.

“He never explicitly said that he needed me out of his life, so yeah,” said Even.

“Ouch.”

“Sorry.”

“That’s not fair,” said Isak.

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” said Isak.

Even sat next to him on the ground and the sky was now brighter. The sun was rising somewhere. Even pressed next to him and Isak closed his eyes. _You’re here next to me._ He was overwhelmed by his scent. Overwhelmed by his presence.

Even crushed the cigarette on the ground and aimed for a trash can next to them. Isak watched and didn’t think he would get it in, but he did.

Isak chuckled.

“What?” said Even, smiling. “Impressed?”

“Just surprised.”

“Hm.”

They sat there in complete silence as the drunks went home and the hardworking went to work.

“I hurt you,” Isak mumbled out of nowhere, staring hard at a store sign as if he was suddenly going to be able to read japanese.

“I hurt you, too,” said Even.

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry, too,” said Isak.

.

Even silently walked him back to his hostel and whenever Isak stumbled, Even was right there to steady him. Isak was tripping on purpose now just to feel his hands on his body. And Even probably knew.

“This is me,” said Isak.

“Cool, cool,” said Even.

“Uhm. Where are you staying?”

“Uh, Hyatt hotel in Shinjuku,” said Even.

“Oh. That’s like fancy,” said Isak.

“Yeah. Work’s paying for it though, so.”

“I see. I see. Sounds nice.”

“You’re welcome to visit if you want,” said Even.

Isak shot him an alarmed look. He couldn’t help it.

“Shit,” said Even. “Not like that. I promise.”

“You shouldn’t promise me things,” said Isak.

“Wow shit.”

“Sorry.”

It was hot and humid and the sun had risen. Isak thought about what Jonas, Eskild and Jakob would say. But he didn’t really care.

“Am I going to see you again?” said Isak.

“If you want.”

“What are you doing here anyways?”

“You sent me an itinerary back in March,” said Even. “You wanted to talk.”

“You never replied.”

“I moved to another country before I could,” said Even.

“That’s not excuse.”

“You’re right,” said Even. “I wasn’t sure if I was gonna make it.”

“Why not.”

“In case I was stuck in bed for another month,” said Even.

“Why would you be stuck in bed for a month?”

“Because I’m bipolar.”

.

Isak went up to their little hotel and sneaked into Eskild’s room.

“Isak?”

“Can I sleep here?” said Isak.

“The sun is up.”

“Please.”

.

Eskild curled around him and Isak let himself be held.

“Jakob said you ran into some guy named Even,” said Eskild.

“Hm.”

“Did you ask him to come here?” said Eskild.

“Yeah.”

“When will this damn story end?” Eskild sighed to himself.

_Hopefully never._

“He’s bipolar,” said Isak.

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah.”

“Shit.”

“I hurt him so much,” said Isak.

“He still followed you across the globe.”

.

“Hi,” said Jakob with a bright smile on his face.

It was noon and Isak was having none of it.

“Today we’re going to a temple!” said Jakob, walking over to Isak and pressing a kiss to his cheek.

_What the fuck is this._

Isak shrieked, and Jonas and Eskild exchanged looks.

.

Jakob never brought up Even, not even once. He knew who he was. He knew what it meant. Jakob was a smart guy. He was also a smart guy who had spent months trying to find Even for Isak. A smart guy who loved him and who wanted a chance. _Messy. This got messy._

.

They were having lunch when Isak received an instagram direct message. _Even._

He reactivated his account and Isak’s photo was still there on his profile. _Messy._

* * *

**Evenbn**

**13:17**

Hi

You reactivated instagram

I did

How are you

good . how’s your hangover?

Not too bad

Cool

Plans today?

Sort of

Message me here if you want to hang out

And talk some more

Ok

:)

* * *

Isak hadn’t reacted when Even told him he was bipolar. He just nodded and told him he would see him after getting some sleep. _I hurt you._

.

“He wants to talk some more,” said Isak.

“Do you want to talk to him?” said Jonas.

“Yes.”

“Do you though? I mean I know it’s great that he left you for a legitimate reason, but at the end of the day, you still have your convictions. At the end of the day, he’s still bipolar. So if you’re gonna keep being close-minded about mental illness, then it’s better to leave him alone. You’re just gonna hurt him.”

“It’s not like that with him. I don’t give a shit. I don’t know. It’s different,” Isak stumbled.

“Isak, you’ve been around him for less than a week per year. You don’t even know him technically. Don’t give him hope if you’re not gonna be able to handle it later,” said Jonas.

“But. It’s not like that! I would never do that to him.”

“I just don’t want you to get hurt later.”

.

“Hi,” said Even.

He was wearing a white t-shirt, ray bans and blue jeans. He looked breathtaking.

“Hi,” Isak blushed.

“Where’s your friend?”

“Who?”

“Jakob,” said Even.

“Uh. Eskild is taking him to some park.”

“I see,” said Even. “Ditching your friends for me, huh.”

“Well I can see them when we get back to Oslo. With you, however..”

“True.”  

.

They went to the Tsukiji market and ate whatever they felt like eating and bought whatever they felt like buying. Isak smiled whenever Even smiled, but it was still sad, so sad. They were both so broken. Anyone could tell. Whatever they had before had been severed. And while Isak knew they could work through it, he didn’t know if he had it in him anymore.

Before Even left, back in Paris, Isak had been so ready. He was ready to fight the whole _damn_ universe for what they had. Long distance relationship? No problem. But Isak was so tired now. He was tired and his heart was still broken, even with Even right next to him.

“You don’t have to feel bad you know,” said Even.

“What?”

“For not wanting me anymore. It’s okay,” said Even. “I wouldn’t want me either.”

“That’s not why-”

“Are you really gonna say that my bipolar doesn’t change anything?” said Even, smiling, but it wasn’t really a smile.

“Yes,” said Isak.

“Then why won’t you look at me?”

“Because you broke my fucking heart when you left.”

“I did that for you,” said Even.

“Well perhaps you shouldn’t have.”

“Why? You literally said that keeping mentally ill people out of your life was the best decision you had ever made,” said Even.

“Well fuck me for being an asshole. Okay?! I had no fucking idea and it wasn’t fair to me! You could have said something!”

“Something like what?! Hey can you please make an exception for me?” said Even. “I was so fucking crushed. You have no idea, Isak. No fucking clue! I was ready to do it all. I was so fucking happy when you asked me to give us a chance but then I just couldn’t breathe.”

“Do you think it was easy for me?! I looked for you for months to apologize, Even. For fucking months! I texted you so many times and you never bothered answering me,” said Isak. “Do you know what that feels like?!”

“Fuck, Isak. Can we stop yelling at each other? I can’t think!”

“Well fuck you!” Isak shouted.

_Dammit._

There were tears in his eyes now. This wasn’t what he meant by ‘let’s talk’. This wasn’t it at all.

“Jesus, baby please don’t cry!”

“Don’t tell me what to do!” Isak yelled again.

“Dammit,” Even groaned.

Isak was frustrated. He was frustrated and angry and he wanted nothing more but to scream some more. But Even looked exhausted and he had hurt him enough. Jonas was right. This was stupid.

“This was a dumb idea,” said Isak.

“It really was.”

“I have someone ready to give me the world.”

“Okay,” said Even.

“He loves me. He really does.”

“Now you’re just cruel,” said Even.

“He says I deserve a love that doesn’t hurt.”

“That’s true. You do.”

“I don’t,” said Isak.

“Isak, what the hell are we doing right now?”

“I don’t know.”

There they were in the middle of a fish market in Tokyo, yelling at each other in Norwegian with tears in their eyes.

“Just go,” said Even. “Go back to him. I’ll be fine.”

“But I don’t want him.”

“What do you want from me?!” said Even, his hands on Isak’s face now, his touch soft, so soft, his eyes so blue and so wet. “Please tell me because I’m losing it again. I’m losing it!”

“I want to trust you with my heart again,” said Isak.

“Baby, why would you want that?”

.

Isak left with tears all over his face and with fire all over his chest. He couldn’t remember the end of their conversation but his heart was about to burst. He couldn’t take it anymore.

.

“Are you okay?” said Jakob.

“I’m sorry for being such an asshole to you,” said Isak.

“It’s okay. I don’t care.”

“No you should care! You should! If I hurt you, fucking tell me!” said Isak before slamming the door to his face and heading back to his room.

.

“What the hell?” said Eskild.

“Piss off Eskild.”

.

He didn’t hear from Even after that. Days rolled by and they went on day trips to Kyoto and Osaka and even went on hikes.

They visited temples and walked for kilometers on end. Isak was tired but it helped keep him focused. On the tenth day, Jakob and Isak climbed on top of a hill leaving Jonas and Eskild behind, and Jakob kissed him. Isak didn’t even blink. He let him.

_I deserve a love that doesn’t hurt._

.

“Do you love him?” said Jakob later that night as they were taking relaxing in an Onsen.

“I do.”

“Okay,” said Jakob.

“Okay?”

“Yeah, I mean I’m pretty awesome. I’ll make you forget about him. Just watch.”

.

Isak walked into the Karaoke lounge with no expectations. It was their last weekend in Tokyo and Eskild had rented another Karaoke room. He had his pink wig on and Isak was once again on tambourine duty, nothing out of the ordinary. Except that about thirty minutes in, a German boy made came into their room, and Isak knew immediately who would follow.

_Even._

* * *

**Eskild**

**22:34**

Don’t hate me too much baby jesus

Fuck

It was you?

You invited them??

Even liked that picture you posted of me so i followed him

And one thing led to another

Sorry

I’m just tired of this little blond bitches angst

When is he flying you to Bali :D???

It’s not fucking funny

Besides i’m against this isak/jakob nonsense

Recipe for disaster

You don’t know that! It could work between us

Shut up

I can’t believe you invited Even wtffff

EVAK WILL RISE OR I SHALL DIE

* * *

Isak stared at Even. He couldn’t help it. He looked beautiful, and Isak was so tired of feeling this way. This really was the end. He could already picture himself pining for the next months and then struggling to forget about him for good this time.

At one point, Jakob grabbed his hand, and Isak immediately looked for Even’s eyes. He was hurt, that much he could make out. And if he were cruel, he would have kept it up. But Isak could never be cruel to Even, so he removed his hand as quickly as Jakob had taken it.

They all drank and Isak kept downing shots and beer and wine and everything he could get his hands on.

Jakob wasn’t even looking out for him anymore. He was probably hurt, too. Great.

Everybody drank so much that they added three more hours to their reservation. There were a dozen other people with them, too now. And Isak had no idea who any of them were.

Jakob passed out first, followed by a few other people. Jonas left the room with a japanese girl and Eskild with some guy, leaving his pink wig behind.

Isak looked around and only Even was left standing and he was looking straight into his soul.

“Hi!” Isak yelled over the music.

“Hi.”

Even then got up from his seat and Isak followed because why not. They met in the middle of the room while everyone was sleeping on the floor.

“How are you?” said Even a hand coming up to cup his cheek, his touch soft, so soft.

Isak closed his eyes and shivered. _I will never get over you._

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything,” said Isak.

“I’m sorry, too,” said Even. “I’m so fucking sorry.”

They then started laughing because Ke$ha was playing and it ruined the seriousness of their moment.

“The universe keeps fucking with us,” said Isak.

“I know right?” Even smiled, and his heart, _gosh_ his heart.

“Fuck the universe.”

“Fuck the universe,” Even repeated, running his thumb over his cheekbone.

“Hmm,” Isak sighed.

“How’s your mom?” said Even.

“She’s doing well,” said Isak. “A couple of violent episodes here and there but she’s strong.”

“Glad to hear that,” said Even.

“Yeah me too,” said Isak. “I started visiting her more often after you left.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” said Isak. “I realized I was a dick.”

“You’re not a dick.”

“I am. I want to become a Doctor and I’m so close-minded about this stuff. I’m an asshole,” said Isak.

“Alright, let’s stop with the self-hatred. Shall we?” said Even, smiling softly.

“Okay,” said Isak. “But yeah. I missed her a lot you know? So thanks for that I guess.”

“Yeah.”

“If something had happened to her I would have probably lost it,” said Isak.

“There's nothing to happen.”

“Yeah I’m just being dramatic,” said Isak.

“I don’t think you can top yelling in the middle of Tsukiji market,” Even laughed.

“Yeah probably not.”

Ke$ha was still singing about speakers and the clock and the sunlight, and Isak’s whole heart was smiling.

“Time to change the song. Don’t you think?” said Even.

“Hm.”

“I’m gonna play something from my phone.”

.

Even plugged his phone in and pressed play.

Now Playing: **Daniel Caesar - Japanese Denim**

**.**

_I don't stand in line, I don't pay for clubs, fuck that_

_But I wait for you_

_I don't like to drink, I don't like to think, fuck that_

_But I ponder you_

.

“This is a slow song,” said Isak.

“Yes, it is,” said Even, before pulling him in by the waist and knocking the air out of his lungs.

“What, what are we doing?”

.

_I'm bending it over_

_You're my four leaf clover_

Even placed one hand on the small of his back and grabbed Isak’s hand with his other.

“I, uh-”

“We’re dancing. We’re slow-dancing.”

.

_I'm so in love, so in love_

_There's no one above up above_

_Forever's a long time, yes_

.

Isak relaxed in his arms almost instantly. He didn’t know how or why but there he was, swaying gently to the rhythm with Even. Their chests pressed together. Their hearts pressed together. Their souls probably touching.

Isak couldn’t take it, so he rested his head on Even’s shoulder, pressed closer, and closed his eyes.

.

_My blue jeans_

_Will last me all my life_

_So should we_

_I'm spending all this time_

.

_I’m so in love. So in love._

.

When the song ended, Isak had a tear at the corner of his eye and Even didn’t miss it. He wiped it with thumb and smiled.

“You’re my favorite person in the world,” said Even.

“Stop.”

“You are.”

“I hurt you so much,” said Isak.

“You didn’t do it on purpose.”

“I-”

Isak was interrupted by Jakob waking up. He panicked and didn’t know what to do, so he grabbed Eskild’s short pink wig and put it on.

“What are you doing-,” Even started.

“Shh!” Isak grabbed his hand and dragged him outside the karaoke room.

“What are you doing?” Even laughed. “Suits you.”

“Shut up,” Isak rolled his eyes. “I panicked, okay?”

“Was that Jakob?”

“Yeah.”

They sat down on a bench outside the karaoke room in the corridor and Isak was reminded of that movie Jonas made him watch.

“What movie?” said Even.

“I don’t remember the name, but it has Scarlet Johansson in it,” said Isak.

“Lost in Translation.”

“Yeah I guess.”

“Not gonna lie, when you put on the pink wig, I had violent flashbacks,” Even laughed.

“She wore this in the movie, right?”

“Yeah. You wear it better,” said Even.

“Are you saying I’m hotter than Scarlet Johansson,” said Isak.

“Yes.”

“Aren’t you supposed to be attracted to women as well?”

“Yeah why?” said Even. “You’re hotter than Scarlet Johansson, Isak.”

“Now you’re just lying to me.”

“You’re even hotter than that porn star Dakota White,” said Even.

“Who?”

“Oh come on!”

Isak burst out laughing.

“I can’t fucking believe you!”

“What?” said Even. “Are you telling me you don’t watch porn?”  

“I don’t remember their fucking names!” said Isak.

“Well me neither but this guy literally looks like you from some angles. I literally freaked out once because I thought it was you for a split of a second,” said Even.

“Some angles?! Shut up. Oh my god!”

“I mean angles of his face, holy shit!" Even laughed.

"Stop talking, Even."

"But you’re much prettier,” said Even, beaming.

“I can’t deal with you.”

They laughed and at one point Even reached out and adjusted the wig on his head.

“The prettiest.”

Isak felt overwhelmed because they were sitting mere breaths away from each other. Even was right there. They had kissed in every single country they had been in. He was leaving the next day. The universe really hated them.

“What are you thinking about?” said Even.

_You. Always you._

“I didn’t like that movie Lost in Translation,” Isak said instead.

“Why not? Because it was lowkey racist?”

“Hm. No because they didn’t end up together,” said Isak.

“You don’t know that. They parted with a kiss at the end. They might have met later,” said Even.

“They were both married to other people,” said Isak, resting his head on Even’s shoulder now.

“So what? People leave their families for the people they love sometimes.”

“That’s shitty though.”

“Yeah,” said Even. “But does it even matter if they end up together or not?”

“It does,” said Isak. “They have to end up together.”

"Hm." 

Isak was feeling brave so he grabbed Even’s hand. And the moment their fingers connected, he felt a fire spread inside his chest. Warm and wild and untamable. Isak couldn’t breathe.

“Are you with Jakob?” said Even.

“No,” said Isak.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“Does he know that?”

“Why do you ask?” said Isak.

“Because I don’t want you having things on your conscience,” said Even.

“Hm.”

They stayed like that, Isak in his pink Scarlet Johansson wig leaning on Even’s big shoulder, fingers laced, hearts intertwined.

“What time’s your flight?” said Even.

“I don’t know. But we should leave soon,” said Isak.

“Okay,” said Even. “Do you trust me with your heart?”

“I don’t know.”

.

Eskild and Jonas carried Jakob’s passed out body outside and Even walked back with their to their hotel.

“This is me,” said Isak.

“Are you sure you want me to keep the wig?” said Even.

“Yeah. Something to remember me by,” Isak smiled.

“You’re always with me.”

“Stop.”

“Am I gonna see you again?” said Even.

“I don’t know. Will you come to Norway?” said Isak.

“That’s still not happening.”

“I see,” said Isak.

Even took his hand and Isak looked at him with big big eyes. He couldn’t breathe. _Is this it? Is this really the end?_

“If you’re married next time we meet I’ll be bitter but I’ll still be happy for you,” said Even.

“I’m not getting married.”

“Just saying.”

“Same goes for you, I guess,” said Isak.

“I’m not getting married,” said Even. “But Jakob seems like a good guy.”

“I could never love him,” said Isak.

“I see,” said Even. “Anyways, I think you should go in. It’s like four in the morning.”

“Yeah.”

“So this is goodbye.”

“This is goodbye.”

Isak wasn’t sure how but they were hugging right now, and _gosh_ it hurt. It hurt so much. _I don’t want it to be over. I don’t want it to be over please._

Even wasn’t letting go. He was holding him tight, so tight. Isak was about to combust so he buried his face in Even’s neck and breathed. He was about to cry. _My sweet, sweet Even._

They stood there for the longest time just swaying in each other’s arms, Isak nearly trembling. When they pulled apart, there were tears in his eyes, and _gosh I’m so sick of crying over you._

Even then grabbed his face in both hands and Isak closed his eyes because whatever Even was willing to give he would have.

Even pressed the most tender kiss to his forehead and Isak nearly crumbled. He nearly crumbled.

“It’s tradition,” Even said with the saddest smile, choking up, his hands still on his cheeks. “It should count right?”

Isak shook his head and grabbed Even’s face, too.

“No. It doesn’t count unless we do it right,” he said with tears in his voice.

He then pulled Even’s face down to him, slowly ever so slowly, and felt fire spread everywhere in his being when their lips finally crashed together. Isak was taken back to their kiss under the rain, when it was cold and awful and they were soaked but happy, so happy.

It was hot and humid now, but there was a nice breeze. And Even was knocking the air out of his lungs, kissing him like the world was about to end, kissing him with the passion of a thousand kisses, kissing him like he was never going to see him again. Isak knew. This kiss he would never get over either. It felt like a sob, like a goodbye, like a definitive goodbye. So Isak held on for a little longer, and pulled his face a little closer, and held his breath a little more. _It can’t be over. It can’t be over. It can’t be over._

_._

It was over.

Even left without making any promises. He just left. And Isak did his best not to break when he got to the room, but he still did.

“Isak?” said Eskild.

“It’s over,” he smiled while a tear rolled down his cheek. “This story is finally fucking over.”

.

But as Isak was packing, with his heart in his throat and his soul in pieces, he found a note, a _fucking_ note in the back-pocket of his blue jeans.

.

> _We will end up together. I promise._
> 
> _-Even_

.

When they met again, Isak was going through the worst day of his life and Even was right there for him. When they met again Isak's soul was cracked and he had lost the will to fight, but Even was right there to mend his heart. When they met again, Isak was burying his mother in Oslo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> broke my own heart writing this. sorryy. but next chapter: OSLO, NORWAY. who guessed it? Any ideas on locations? :p  
> It's 3am once again. who's surprised. wrote all of this after a 12 hour work day so forgive the mistakes and the mess <3  
> came up with a location for chapter 9 yesterday and i had to take a break from work lol. any ideas?  
> .  
> your comments omggg! i promise i will take a day off to catch up. but i read every single one and you have no idea how happy they make me and how encouraging it is to know that people are reading your story and waiting for the next chapter. i'm sorry for the pain, tore me apart writing some of this. but it makes the happy times all the happier <333333  
> .  
> sorry jakob fans :(( he's the sweetest isn't he?  
> My favorite thing to write in this chapter even though it was just a text was 'Happy Birthday'. Isak is SO HURT but he still wants to wish Even a happy birthday because it's important and because no one else will.  
> eskild biggest evak shipper hands down and jonas just being the wise wise person he is. Even is sneaky lol  
> Isak and Even are both a little bit angry at each other here but they work through it. Even truly believed he was doing the right thing by staying away. i cried after writing the last line because i suck.
> 
> the song 'Japanese Denim' is incredible and you should listen to it if you have time. Once again thank you to @jonasismissing aka petite cannabis for all the tourist guides *-* <333 ilyyy and to @scinnlaeces for listening to me whine about how much writing this verse is literally hurting me haha  
> *hugssss* i love you all  
> hope you liked this. *hugsss* byee


	8. Oslo: I love you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I wish you could be here with me. I wish I could ask you to come here and hold me. I'm so tired. I'm so tired but I can’t burden you. I could never be a burden to you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's 4am so once again I apologize for any mistakes in this chapter. The biggest thank you to liljesmoothie who helped me so much with this chapter. So So much. I am forever grateful <3 Hope you like it.

 

 

> _We will end up together. I promise._
> 
> _-Even_

.

Isak stared at the note for so long. He couldn’t even finish packing. He couldn’t even get a few hours of sleep. He couldn’t do a _damn_ thing. His heart hurt but he still smiled. _It’s not over._

* * *

**Evenbn**

**07:13**

When did you write that note?

I asked for a pen at the karaoke place when you went to grab your stuff

Right before we left

Oh ok

Did you like it?

I did

I meant it

You could have just said it

Why a note

It’s more romantic

:p

Yeah well I thought it was over

never

When you kissed me i thought you were saying goodbye

I was saying hello

Ugh

Why are you like this

<3

Does this mean you forgive me?

For what?

For what I said in Paris

I never resented you

Ok

Do you trust me with your heart?

Ok i said that like once and it’s very cheesy

Yes but do you?

I think i do

Do you trust me with yours?

I think i do

When did you put that note in my pocket?

When we hugged in front of you hotel

Oh and there i was thinking you just wanted to touch my ass

Hahaha

I did though

Alright :p

Safe flight <3

I’ll text you

Ok

Bye!

:)

 .

They got to the airport around ten in the morning, and Jakob was ignoring him. He was wearing his sunglasses indoors and complaining from the worst hangover ever to Eskild.

Isak stole glances because he knew that he was hurt. He had hoped that Jakob hadn’t seen anything. But the moment he looked at him, he knew. Jakob saw him with Even in the karaoke room. He probably saw them slow dancing, too. _I’m sorry._

.

Isak sat next to Jonas on the plane and they watched an animated movie that he actually ended up liking.

“So what happened with Even?” said Jonas.

“Nothing,” said Isak. “We talked a bit.”

“Are you two in good terms now?”

“I think so,” Isak sighed. “It was nice.”

“Cool,” said Jonas.

“He thinks we’ll end up together.”

“I sure as hell hope so,” said Jonas. “I can’t handle another five months of you moaning about him to be honest.”

“Piss off!” Isak laughed.

.

“You should talk to Jakob though,” said Jonas.

“Hm?”

“You really fucked him up, bro.”

.

Isak slept for twelve hours when he got home, probably more. He couldn’t function for a couple of days. He was too jetlagged, too dehydrated, too lethargic. All the drinking and walking and feeling and hiking had finally caught up with him.

On the third day, Isak actually opened his luggage, but only to take out the gifts he had gotten for his mom, Magnus, and Eva.

He was on his way to the care facility where his mother stayed when he got an instagram DM that made him squirm and smile.

* * *

**evenbn**

**14:14**

Hi

Hello

How’s the jetlag?

Awful!

Just got out of bed today

Haha. I expected nothing less

What is that supposed to mean

I waited before texting you

?

Wanted you to get some sleep before we started texting heavily you know

Oh we’re gonna start texting heavily?

Yeah

Do i get a say in this?

Yes

You don’t have to reply

I can do the heavy texting if you want

You can do the heavy reading or the heavy ignoring

Tempting

Least i can do

Guilt tripping me now huh

Never :p <3

What time is it in tokyo

Oh wow

what?

It’s 21:21 right now

Oh

:)

What are you doing today? Anything fun?

On my way to see my mother

Nice

:)

When are you leaving japan?

Right now

I’m at the airport

Oh wow you’re already failing at this heavy texting thing

Excuse me?

You’re about to get on the longest flight

No reception

No wifi

Shit

You’re right

Haha don’t feel bad

:(

It’s your first attempt at texting it’s ok

I should have waited until i got to munich

You’re going to germany?

Yeah

What for

Marcus invited me

Oh yeah

Right

Marcus

What?

Are you two a thing?

Isak wtf?

What?

Marcus is attractive

I know that

But I wouldn’t have dragged him around to meet you across the globe if he and I were a thing

We’re friends

Right

Only I do that

What

Nothing

...

I have a lot of crap to take care of today

Ganbatte <3

The hell

Means good luck/do your best in japanese

I know what it means

Right

I forgot you watch anime

USED TO

Right :p

Anyways you have until tomorrow morning

??

That’s when i land and the real heavy texting begins

We’ll see about that

I think this is the longest we’ve ever texted already

True

When’s your flight?

We’re boarding in 10 minutes

Okay

Hope your plane has enough legroom for your giraffe legs

Why do you always hurt me like this

Why do you always have to mock my looks :’(

Excuse me

You’re the one who compared me to a freaking pornstar!

But that was a compliment

You said i looked like him!

I said you’re hotter

SHUT UP

I mean look

EVEN WTF

What?

oH MY GOD how do you even have this

I took a screenshot

I told you i was very shocked when i saw it

WHY AM I STILL TALKING TO YOU

Hahaha

We’re about to start boarding

Have to go

Safe flight

<333

* * *

Isak smiled on the tram like an idiot. Even was right. They had never texted this much before. This was nice, whatever this was. But then the tram stopped in front of this kebab place he used to go to with Jakob and he felt bad. _I have to apologize._

.

Isak’s mother was warm and welcoming. And although it still felt weird sometimes, he made sure to hug her for a long time before letting go.

“I love this,” she said, holding the small Japanese tea set he had gotten her from Kyoto. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” said Isak, a bit too nervous. He had never gotten her anything.

“How was Japan?”

“It was amazing,” said Isak.

And it truly was. He told her about all the lights and the cars and the people and the streets and the temples and the hot springs and the tall buildings and the fish market. He left out the Even parts, but it still translated in his enthusiasm, probably. His heart was too full. He was too hopeful. This wasn’t good. He couldn’t even recognize own voice.

“Isak,” she interrupted him.

“Yes?”

“I’m so happy you’re happy.”

Isak wondered why he hadn’t done this sooner, why it took him breaking Even’s heart to get this close to his mother. It wasn’t fair.

.

“So Eskild, Jonas, and I were running in the middle of Shinjuku because we were followed by these guys,” said Jakob. “Like I can’t believe I almost died in Tokyo.”

“Yeah right,” Sana rolled her eyes.

All three of them were at the hospital lab, collecting samples for patients.

“I’m telling you,” said Jakob. “They were from like a gang or something. Like the Yakuza, you know.”

“Sure,” said Sana. “And was Isak in this epic chase you’re talking about?”

Isak finally looked up at the mention of his name.

“Huh?”

“No,” said Jakob. “Isak wasn’t there.”

“You said you were with Jonas and Eskild. Did Isak sleep it off or?” said Sana.

“Nah, he was busy,” said Jakob, not even sparing him a glance.

They hadn’t talked about it. And while Jakob ignored him for a couple weeks, he was soon back to being his old smiling and flirty self. _We need to talk._

.

“So what did you want to talk about?” said Jakob, not really looking at him.

There was no meanness in his voice, just hurt.

“I want to apologize for Tokyo,” said Isak.

“What do you mean?” said Jakob with a smile. And _why are you smiling?!_

“And even before that. I used you and it wasn’t cool. I’m sorry,” said Isak.

“You didn’t use me, Isak. I was fully aware of what we were doing. I’m an adult. You don’t have to apologize for anything,” said Jakob.

“But I do. I really do. No one deserves what I did to you.”

“Isak,” Jakob took a step back and ran his hand through his hair, still smiling. “It’s okay. Really. You ran off with your guy in Tokyo. And it took me some time to get over the fact that you asked him to come in the first place and never bothered telling me, but I get it. It’s all good. I’m not blaming you for anything. You hadn’t promised me anything.”

“Jakob-”

“No. I mean it. I don’t care about what happened in Tokyo anymore. Really. It’s okay. I don’t even care if you two fucked. What happened in Tokyo can stay in Tokyo. I mean at the end of the day, he’s not even here. And Eskild told me that you two are over anyways. So like whenever you’re ready, we can pick it up right where we left off and-”

_Oh no._

Isak wasn’t sure what to say. And Jakob probably stopped talking after looking at his face.

“Oh.”

“I’m sorry,” said Isak.

“So it’s not over?”

“No.”

“What do you mean though? Like if he can’t come to Norway, then will it even work? You can’t keep up with his lifestyle. You’re becoming a doctor! And maybe you’ll get bored of him in a few months anyways? I don’t know-”

“Jakob..”

“What?” He was no longer smiling now. He looked hurt, so hurt.

Isak gathered all his courage and grabbed Jakob’s hand. For a moment, he could see the slimmest glimmer of hope in his eyes when their skins touched. But then it was all gone because Isak had spoken again.

“You deserve a love that doesn’t hurt.”

* * *

**Evenbn**

**20:17**

Hey

How was your day

Exhausting

I’m so tired

Aww <33

Wish i was there with you

Would wrap you in a tight hug

Yeah well you know

You can always book a flight to Oslo

I’ll even take a risk and send you my home address

Isak...

oops

Got my hopes up again :D

I’m sorry

Don’t worry about it :)

I want to

I really want to

?

I want to come see you

I want to touch you

Why don’t you

I’d have to face my mom

What about your mom

I fucked up a few years ago

Hurt her real bad

Can’t go back

As someone with mommy issues too i’d say you can fix it :)

It’s complicated

I see

But you know

It doesn’t have to be Oslo

I know

Okay

I’m gonna go back to work now

I think i used up my ‘pathetic fuck’ quota for the day lol

Isak you’re not a pathetic fuck

I’m so sorry

Fuck. i wish i could give you more

It’s all good :)

In another universe, i give you the world

Lol

Ok

I mean it

* * *

_But what about this fucking universe? What about THIS fucking version of myself who’s so fucking lost because of you? What about me?!_

.

They really did a lot of heavy texting. Even wasn’t letting him work, or breathe for that matter. He sent him songs every day, and movies to watch, and stupid memes, and selfies. Isak couldn’t even be mad at him.

* * *

**evenbn**

**19:18**

Hey <3

Wanna facetime?

* * *

 

Isak was nervous. He threw on a t-shirt because he was topless in his bed and ran a hand over his hair. _I can do this. I got this._

.

“Hi,” said Isak, feeling silly for holding up the phone too close to his face. His hand was shaking.

Even looked so lovely even on his cracked iPhone screen.

“Hi baby,” said Even. “Missed your face so much.”

_Oh my god._

“Uh, missed you, too,” said Isak. “Where are you?”

“Peru.”

“Wow fuck, I’m jealous,” said Isak.

“Don’t be,” Even laughed. “Nothing is worth it when you’re not with me.”

“Ugh,” Isak rolled his eyes. “Cheesing over facetime now?”

“Oh how I missed you rolling your eyes at me!”

“Shut up,” said Isak.

Even laughed for a while and Isak let him, because _gosh_ he had missed this sound.

“How are you?” said Isak.

“I miss you.”

“You saw me like two months ago. You can hold on a little longer,” said Isak.

“I don’t think I can,” said Even.

“Hm?”

“I’m booking a flight to Copenhagen right now.”

“What?”

“Yeah for November. If you wanna meet,” said Even.

“Wait. Uh.”

“You don’t have to. But I’ll be so close that I might end up in Oslo anyways,” Even laughed.

“I wouldn’t call Copenhagen close.”

“Well it’s closer than Lima, isn’t it?”

“True.”

.

“How about he stops this crap and comes here to see you, huh?” said Eskild. “How about that?”

“It’s complicated,” said Isak.

“I’m so frustrated, Isak. And I don’t understand how you’re not frustrated!”

“I don’t know.”

“Isak, if you go, I’m gonna be mad at you for at least a month,” said Eskild.

“What happened to ‘Evak will rise or I shall die’?”

“I thought he would stop being like this by now. I thought he would come home for you,” said Eskild. “Instead he’s making me suffer like this.”

_Come home for me._

“He has his reasons,” said Isak.

“Well in my book, epic love trumps all reasons.”

_Ouch._

_Well, perhaps there’s no such thing as epic love. Perhaps, he doesn’t love me enough. Does he even love me?_

They had never said those words to each other. Yet, it was so evident, so unspoken. It was just there.

.

Isak said yes. Of course he did. He felt terrible but he still agreed to meeting him in Copenhagen. He missed him so much and he was only human after all. He just wanted to see him again. He just wanted to feel him again.

_I’m so pathetic._

.

“You should go if you want to,” said Jonas. “Don’t listen to people.”

Jonas was truly the best.

“What I will tell you, however, is that you should take care of yourself and listen to your heart,” said Jonas.

“Listen to my heart?” Isak scoffed. “Who are you?”

“If you’re not feeling good about going, then don’t go. If you think you’ll come back heartbroken, then don’t go.”

.

**evenbn just posted a photo for the first time in a while.**

.

Isak stared at the instagram post for five minutes, probably more. He couldn’t believe him. It looked like a painting but it had too much detail to be one. _Did Even paint now?_

Isak was so confused. He was confused but he was also giddy and nervous. He had butterflies in his stomach and he trouble concentrating on this lab report that he was supposed to be interpreting.

_‘Him’._

Isak was Even’s ‘him’, and he smiled for an entire hour. _You’re my ‘him’, too._

.

Vilde added you to **“Should we call the police?”**

* * *

**Should we call the police?**

**15:28**

Eva: I don’t know I found it super cute and romantic

Eskild: I don’t have an opinion on this yet. Give me a minute

Noora: Eva it’s not romantic. it’s obsessive behavior.

Vilde: lol

Noora: what?

Vilde: it’s funny coming from you

Noora: ??

Vilde: considering who you’re married to

Chris: HAHAHA we’re still dragging William?

Chris: it’s like I’m back to 2017

Noora: VILDE

Vilde: I’m joking! Back to Isak

Wait what??

Noora: Isak did he ask you for permission before posting this?

what??

Vilde: I admit it’s a bit creepy

Chris: I feel like i missed an entire season. Who is this guy??

Vilde: Even. Isak’s boyfriend

Eskild: i wish he was his boyfriend

Wtf is going on here??

Vilde: i don’t know if he’s his boyfriend but he was with us in morocco

Magnus: wait?? This guy went with you to morocco as well??

Vilde: is this question for me or Isak?

Magnus: both?

Vilde: yeah we met him in the desert and Isak spent the entire time with him

Are you seriously gossiping about me right now????

Vilde: we’re not gossiping. You’re in this chat too

Vilde: we’re just worried about you

Magnus: I just looked at the post

Magnus: did he paint you? Wtf that’s next level

Noora: looks like a photoshop edit

Noora: did he take pictures of you while you were sleeping?

Wtf mind your own business

Chris: wait hOLY SHIT i just looked at his profile

Chris: ISAK YOU’RE FUCKING THIS GUY????

Fuck off Chris!!

Chris: i get why you just won’t give Jakob a chance now hAHAHA

I’m fucking leaving this chat

Vilde: OH MY GOD

Vilde: did you record a sextape???? What if he releases it??

Sana: what the fuck is going on here

Eskild: same

Vilde: Sana you know Even right?

Sana: ok I just scrolled up and you all are so stupid

Jonas: Same Sana.

Jonas: Leave Isak alone. He’s not a child

Magnus: Isak we need to talk!!! I just saw he has another picture of you from like two years ago?? Wtf? How come I know nothing about this???

Eskild: trust me you don’t want to know. This story is keeping me up at night

Eva: same

Eskild: are you still going to meet him in copenhagen?

.

**You have left this conversation**

* * *

**Evenbn**

15:48

Did you “paint” me

Haha no wish i was that talented

It’s a picture + photoshop

I can take it down

I didn’t ask for permission sorry

When is this from?

Uh

Paris

You took a picture of me while i was sleeping?

Yeah

I know it sounds creepy

And it is

Sorry

When in paris?

Our first night

Ok

Sorry

I’ll delete it

It’s ok

All my friends saw it already

Who is magnus btw?

He left 12 comments

Shit

So will you come?

To Copenhagen i mean

No pressure

You don’t have to

I would never want to pressure you i hope you know that

?

Isak?

Will you break my heart again?

No

What are we going to do in copenhagen?

We can do whatever you want

Can we just be together?

What

I just want to be with you

That’s all I want

That’s literally all I want

That’s all I want too

Yes we can be together

Okay

Okay?

Yes. see you in Copenhagen

* * *

Isak was nervous because they were finally going to meet just for the sake of spending time together. The last time they had done that was in Paris, almost two years prior.

Isak was nervous because he wasn’t sure how to act around Even now that he knew about his condition. He knew that he should just act like he used to before, but he was afraid he might say something insensitive. He was wondering if he should bring it up, if Even would be comfortable sharing that part of him. He was wondering if he should finally ask about why Even won’t come back home, about what he did to his own mother to make him leave forever.

Isak knew about bipolar. He knew all about the intricacies of the brain. He wanted to become a neurosurgeon after all. But he wasn’t sure how to bring it up. He wasn’t sure if he should bring it up at all, or if they should just spend the weekend rolling around in bed in Copenhagen. Isak wasn’t sure.

.

“Sorry I haven’t been around much,” said Isak.

“It’s okay,” said his mother. “I’m glad you’re here now.”

Isak was visiting for the first time in a month. He had been so caught up in his thoughts that he simply forgot.

“What’s on your mind?” she said. “You look preoccupied.”

“I am,” said Isak. “But I will figure it out. You don’t need to worry.”

Marianne walked over to him and put a hand on his shoulder.

“Is it a matter of the heart?” she asked.

Isak wondered how she knew him so well when he never let her in.

“Yes,” he admitted.

“What’s his name?” she said.

Isak looked up and his eyes went wide and his heart almost dropped. Surely he had heard wrong.

“What?” he asked.

“The man on your mind. What’s his name?” she said, with the warmest smile on her face.

Isak broke down because he didn’t have it in him to fight it. He couldn’t believe it. He never shared that part of himself with her. Never.

“How? What?”

“Isak,” she smiled. “I am your mother. A mother always knows.”

Isak hugged her because he was so grateful, because it meant so much. To be accepted by her meant so much. And he loved her. He loved her so _damn_ much. Never in a million years could he have imagined them having this conversation. Never in his wildest dreams could he have imagined that she would just hug him back and accept him and love him.

“I love you, son,” she said. “I will always love you.”

.

Isak was making plans with Even over Skype when his mother died.

.

When Isak first got the call from his father, he considered not answering. But something inside him told him that he should. Something at the back of his mind was screaming ‘pick up, pick up, pick up.’

But he didn’t. He was skyping with Even, so he just figured he would call him back later. _Whatever._

When he saw that he left him a voicemail, he couldn’t help but panic. His dad never left him voicemail messages.

“You should call him,” said Even on Skype.

“I’ll call him later,” said Isak.

“It could be important.”

Isak listened to the voicemail with Even watching on his computer screen. And everything just stopped. The earth stopped spinning. His heart stopped beating. His lungs stopped working. His brain stopped functioning. Everything just stopped.

“Isak? Isak?!” Even repeated.

But Isak shut down the laptop and ran outside barefoot and shirtless to Gaustad hospital. He just ran. He couldn’t think. He couldn’t breathe. His lungs had collapsed. He couldn’t do a _damn_ thing.

* * *

**Even**

**20:23**

Isak what happened?

Are you okay???

**20:47**

I’m worried sick

Talk to me

Just tell me that you’re okay

**21:38**

I’m here for whatever you need

Whatever you need im here

Okay?

**23:49**

I reached out to all your friends and nobody can reach you

Just wanna know if you’re okay

**00:58**

Jonas says he found you

Oh gosh thank fuck

You don’t need to tell me what happened

I just want you to be okay

**01:24**

Isak?  

**09:29**

sorry i won’t be able to come to Copenhagen

* * *

Isak didn’t cry. He was emotionally frozen. Everything was happening in slow-motion. Everything was a blur. He wasn’t sure what was happening.

“A stroke,” said some doctor.

Isak covered his ears with his hands. He didn’t want to hear it. Nothing made sense anymore.

“A stroke? A fucking stroke? Are you fucking kidding me?!”

“Isak. Breathe,” said Jonas beside him. “Just breathe.”

Jonas was always there. Always.

“How the fuck do you expect me to breathe?!”

.

Isak didn’t cry the next day either. He hadn’t looked at his phone. He didn’t want to deal with it. He asked Jonas to text Even that he wasn’t coming to Copenhagen from his phone. He didn’t have the heart to do it himself. He curled around himself in bed and waited for the tears to come. He waited and waited and waited but nothing made it past his eyes.

.

“Hello Isak. How are you?” said Vilde. “I made you a cake and prepared some soup. I hope you like it.”

“Bro, whatever you need. I’m here, yeah?” said Magnus.

“This truly sucks, bro. I’m sorry,” said Mahdi.

“I’m so sorry for your loss, Isak,” said Sana. “Don’t worry about school and work. I got you covered.”

“Do you want to put on a sad movie and cry it out?” said Eskild.

“Isak. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say. But I know how strong you are. You will get through this,” said Eva.

“Isak, I just heard.” said Jakob. “I’m so sorry for your loss. You don’t deserve this. Anything you need, I’m here. I can come over if you want. I can help with anything.”

Isak read his texts and listened to his voice messages and went over the hundreds of condolences messages on his facebook wall. He stared blankly at his screen. He just wanted to be alone.

* * *

**Evenbn**

Isak?

You really don’t need to tell me but i just want to make sure you’re okay

Everything is fine don’t worry

Something came up for that weekend

Ok

If you need anything

Let me know

I know I’m in Peru and the time difference and all but I don’t care

Whenever you want to talk let me know

Ok

Thanks

Sorry you had to cancel your flight

Don’t worry about that <3

:)

* * *

Isak busied himself all week preparing for the funeral. He had never thought about things like these. He didn’t know where to start but a quick Google search helped him figure it out. He spent hours on Jølstad’s website and was surprised by how nice it all looked, how they made such a nice looking website for such a morbid thing.

They even wanted him to create a username and a password so that they could save his information on their database. How absurd.

_I’m trying to bury my mother, why the fuck do I need to create an account?!_

He eventually created an account after failing to complete the process as a Guest. He fell asleep the first time as he had started filling in the information at four in the morning. The second time, he simply couldn’t go through with it. It was too absurd. He was twenty-three, he shouldn’t be dealing with any of this. He shouldn’t be burying his own mother.

Isak didn’t realize how expensive funerals were. The gravestone alone cost 20.000 kroner. The whole thing cost over 60.000 kroner. When his father suggested they opt for the cheapest service, Isak nearly spat in his face. He was blinded by rage.

“How dare you?! How fucking dare you!? She deserves the best there is!”

“Isak. I don’t think she would want us to empty our savings for this. Trust me. It doesn’t mean we love her any less,” said his father.

“You know what? Fuck you! You never cared about her. You never cared about us! I’ll pay for this shit myself!”

.

Vilde told him that there were ways to get the state to cover funeral costs if there wasn’t enough value in the properties of the deceased. But Isak didn’t want to give her properties away. He didn’t want to seek the state’s help. He could empty his savings. It was okay. He was going to be rich one day.

Vilde insisted that he could get approved and that he should at least try, that he shouldn’t ruin his life to get his mother the funeral she deserves. And Isak wondered how she knew so much about funerals.

“You have to be prepared for stuff like this you know,” said Vilde.

“What the fuck? How could you prepare for your mother’s funeral? Your mom is young and healthy. Why are you so fucked up?”

Isak stopped and stared because he realized that his words probably hurt her. She was looking at the floor, looking small.

“Every day I wake up wondering if today is the day she dies,” Vilde mumbled to herself.

“What?”

“Nothing,” she said, suddenly looking up and smiling. “Nothing. Let’s select psalms for the funeral next!”

* * *

**Even**

**14:17**

Hi. How is your day? ❤️

Good ❤️

Everything okay?

Yes of course

Just busy

Ok

Just know you can tell me anything

I know

❤️

❤️

* * *

_I wish you could be here with me. I wish I could ask you to come here and hold me. I am so tired. I am so tired but I can’t burden you. I could never burden you._

.

Isak contacted their extended family and repeated the same speech over the phone. He didn’t want to see any of them, but his mother deserved to have a lot of people at her funeral. He got the most expensive service, the nicest flowers, the nicest music assemble. They were going to hold the funeral at Grefsen church and bury her at Grefsen graveyard. It was going to be perfect. The priest would read psalms from the bible, probably Å leva det er å elska and Kjærlighet fra Gud. He was then going to make a speech because Isak could never and nobody really wanted to. After that they would head to Eva’s house for the family gathering because she had kindly offered and her mother was out of town as always. Isak’s small apartment wouldn’t have done the job anyways, and his father now lived in Trondheim.

Isak had it all figured out. He bought a black suit and got a haircut and everything was going to be perfect.

.

“Isak, I know you don’t want to hear this. But are you okay?” said Jonas.

“Of course. Why?” said Isak.

“You haven’t cried. Not even once,” said Jonas. “Not even in the hospital.”

“I’m fine. I don’t feel like crying.”

.

“I got you the notes, and Sana and I are taking turns covering your post-ops,” said Jakob.

“Thank you,” said Isak.

“You’re welcome. Anything else you need?”

“I don’t want to be a dick but can you drop me off at the bank?” said Isak.

“Of course.”

.

Isak was taking out a loan. He quickly realized that he really couldn’t afford all the stuff he signed up for. But it was okay. He was going to pay all of it off. It was worth it.

.

“Isak, did you take out a loan?” said Eskild.

“Fuck’s sake. Did you got through my shit?” said Isak.

“You left “your shit” on the kitchen table.”

“Yeah I did. Whatever,” said Isak.

“Is it to pay for your mom’s funeral?”

“Yes.”

“Oh Isak,” Eskild sighed.

“I don’t want to hear it. Okay?”

.

The funeral was the next day and Isak thought he would finally cry now. He thought that maybe as it got close to the date, he would finally cry. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t cry and he couldn’t eat and he couldn’t sleep. He was consumed by guilt and remorse and grief. _Mom. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t a better son._

.

It was all a blur. The church and the priest and the psalms and the speech. It was all a blur. Isak wanted to talk about his mother and her life and their memories, but he couldn’t. He wasn’t present for most of it. And even when he was, he never paid attention to her. He always resented her. He made her struggles into his problems. He pushed her away and made it about him. He shut her out and made it about his own angst and tragic backstory. Isak hated himself. He really did. So when Jonas squeezed his hand as the priest was reading the anecdotes from his childhood that he had provided, he squeezed right back.

“You can cry,” said Jonas. “It’s okay.”

But Isak still didn’t feel like crying. He just couldn’t. Even as they made their way to the graveyard to bury her, even as all his friends wrapped him in tight hugs and showed up with kind words and warm touches and looking the nicest he had seen them in a while, he still couldn’t cry.

.

But then he saw him. He saw him and the world stopped. The earth stopped spinning and his brain couldn’t understand a _damn_ thing. _How is he here? Is he really here?_ Isak didn’t even the energy to question anything. Whether he was here or whether it was a hallucination, Isak would welcome it with open arms. There were tears gathered around his eyes now, and Isak was standing, finally looking defeated, finally looking as crushed as he was feeling, his shoulders finally giving in, finally going down, his chest finally deflating, his head finally facing down. Isak was finally breaking, and Even was walking towards him dressed entirely in black, after throwing his massive backpack on the ground. Isak just stood there as he waited, waited for Even to embrace him. He waited and waited and waited. And when Even wrapped his arms around him, when their chests finally touched, when Even’s hand came up to the back of his neck and guided his face to the crook of his own neck, when he pressed a kiss to his hair, Isak finally crumbled. He finally crumbled and he finally cried, right there in Even’s arms, in front of the entire world, in front of his friends and his father and his extended family and the priest and his mother’s dead body. Isak finally cracked.

.

The rest of the day was a blur. They buried his mother and Isak cried the entire time with Even holding his hand. He cried hysterically until he couldn’t see, until it was all over. They headed to Eva’s house but Isak couldn’t walk so Even dragged him to the backseat of a car. Isak didn’t even know he drove. _Where did he get this car?_ Even probably rented it and Isak didn’t even know why he was thinking about such things when his chest was about to explode.

_Gosh._ Isak couldn’t stop crying and Even held him tight, so tight in the backseat of this car that smelled like it was just thoroughly cleaned. Even just held him, still not talking, still not saying a _damn_ word. Isak couldn’t talk either. He didn’t know what to say. So he held onto him and sobbed into his black t-shirt and waited for him to disappear into thin air. He was probably imagining all of this after all.

But Even didn’t disappear and Isak was on his lap, no longer hyperventilating, no longer crying hysterically. His head was leaning against Even’s shoulder and his arms locked around his neck. Even was warm and strong and his scent was overwhelming and Isak just let himself be held. He felt safe. He felt shielded.

.

When Isak woke up, it was dark outside. They were still in that car, and Isak’s head was pressed against Even’s neck.

“Feeling better?” he asked, one hand cupping his cheek.

“Yeah.”

“Wanna go back to Eva’s?”

“Okay,” said Isak.

.

Isak realized that his friends were probably the best in the world. None of them batted an eye when he showed up with Even. Nobody shot them looks. Nobody pulled him aside and asked. Nobody did a _damn_ thing. Vilde and Sana were wonderful hosts while Eva and Jonas made sure to hold a few conversations with Isak’s extended family. Jakob patted his shoulder and hugged him before offering his condolences again. Magnus was talking to Even in the corner of the room, and Eskild, well Eskild offered to do the dishes for the following month and put on a show for his homophobic family members.

Isak decided that it was perhaps time for him to talk to his father who had also cried all day.

.

“Today was wonderful, Isak. She would have loved it,” said his dad.

“Thank you,” said Isak.

“How are you holding up?”

“I just had a breakdown in a church in front of everyone I know. So not so good,” said Isak.

“Right. Well if it’s any consolation, I’m not doing too well myself,” he laughed.

“I’m sorry about yelling at you and saying that you never cared,” said Isak.

“It’s okay. I deserved it.”

Isak didn’t have it in him to say that he didn’t. It was too soon.

“Who is the man who showed up late to the church?” said his father.

“That’s Even,” said Isak.

“Even?”

“Yes. He’s the man I love.”

“Oh. Nice. Good. I’m happy for you,” said his father.

“Thank you.”

Isak was perhaps emotionally stunted, but it felt important. He had never come out to his father. He never felt the need to do so. But this was nice.

.

Even drove Isak and Eskild back home and waited in the car as Eskild made his way out.

“Where are you staying?” said Isak.

“Hotel at the plaza.”

“Okay.”

“I’ll come see you tomorrow,” said Even.

“Okay.”

“Sleep well.”

Even drove off and Isak went up to his room and curled around himself in his funeral suit. _She’s gone. She’s gone forever._

_._

The thing about grief was that it was physical. The pain was both emotional and physical. Isak couldn’t breathe and his chest really did feel like exploding at times. Grief had no rhythm and no pattern and no logic. One second Isak was happy that Even was in Oslo, and the next he was hyperventilating because he was never going to see his mother ever again. Death was so absurd and Isak couldn’t wrap his head around it. Isak was going mad. He was hysterical. He couldn’t breathe.

Isak didn’t sleep that night, and he woke up in that _damn_ suit and took a shower that lasted forty-five minutes. Eskild made him breakfast but he couldn’t eat. He even did laundry for him, and his clothes now smelled like lavender, but Isak couldn’t smile.

Even showed up at ten in the morning, and Isak didn’t know how he even knew where he lived. But then he figured that he was resourceful. He knew how to get information out of people, and at this point Isak wouldn’t have been surprised to learn that Jonas or Eskild asked him to come.

Even smelled nice and looked nice and Isak wished he was here under different circumstances.

“Who told you?” said Isak.

“Sana.”

“Sana?”

“Yes, Sana,” said Even.

“So she does know how to contact you,” said Isak.

“She sent me a message on instagram.”

“I see,” said Isak. “You flew here?”

“Yeah.”

“From Peru?”

“Yes.”

“You didn’t have to,” said Isak.

“I did.”

“No you didn’t.”

“Who would force you to eat then?” said Even.

.

Eskild’s food was inedible, so Even made him breakfast and watched him eat it.  

“How is it?” said Even, leaning forward on his chair right next to Isak’s.

“I can’t taste anything,” said Isak. “Is it normal?”

“Stress can affect your taste buds,” said Even.

“I know that.”

“But I guarantee you these are the best eggs you’ve ever had,” Even smiled.

“Right.”

Isak didn’t have enough energy for banter.

“When are you going back to work?” said Even.

“In a week,” said Isak. “They’re giving me time to grieve.”

“Good. Good. That’s good.”

“When are you leaving?” said Isak.

“I don’t know. I’ll stay as long as you want me to.”

“Why?”

“Because I want to be here for you,” said Even.

“What about the whole ‘I can’t be in Norway thing’? What happened to that?”

“I don’t care about that right now. This is too important.”

“I’m sure it sounds super noble in your head, but right now it’s just making me fucking angry,” said Isak.

“What?”

“It’s so fucking unfair!” Isak lamented.

“What is?”

“Forget it.”

“Isak,” said Even, cupping Isak’s face with his hand. “Talk to me.”

“It’s not fair,” Isak mumbled again.

“What’s not fair?”

“The fact that my mother has to fucking die for you to finally do something for me.”

Isak saw it in Even’s eyes. He was probably being unfair, but he was in too much pain to bring himself to care. Even had done plenty of things for him already, but he couldn’t believe that _this,_ this was what finally convinced Even to come to Oslo.

“I’m sorry, Isak. That’s not-. Woah. I didn’t. I don’t want you to think that’s the only reason-. I just,” Even was rambling, stuttering, struggling with words.

“I don’t want your pity, Even. People lose their mothers every day. I don’t want to be your charity case. I don’t want this to be something that makes you feel better about how you’ve treated me. I don’t want this.” Isak was cruel. So cruel. He didn’t even believe his own words.

“Isak-”

“If you’ll only come see me when I’m broken and then leave when I’m feeling better. Then I don’t want you to stay,” said Isak. “I don’t want to get my hopes up only for you to disappear and make me chase you around the world again. I’ll glue myself back together. Don’t worry.”

Even looked stunned. He didn’t have any words. Isak regretted his, but he felt like he had to say them.  

“Just go, Even. I’m tired. I’m going back to sleep.”

.

Even left and Isak was so upset that he actually went back to bed. He couldn’t sleep, of course, but he couldn’t stand or sit either. Everything hurt. Everything. He did nothing all day but mope and grieve and feel empty.

* * *

**Evenbn**

00:29

How are you feeling?

I’m sorry

No don’t be

You’re right

I’m a total asshole

Thank you for coming

Anything for you baby <3

I can’t sleep

I haven’t slept in over a week

Want me to come over?

Please

* * *

Isak was struggling to leave his bed when Even knocked on the front door, but Eskild got it. He expected a commotion but he didn’t hear a thing.

Even opened his bedroom door and Isak didn’t have the energy to turn around and face him. He had dreamt about this moment so many times before. Even, in his room, in Oslo. He had fantasized about this moment for so long. But now, now that he was here, Isak was tired and broken and hollow.

Isak sighed the moment he felt Even’s weight on the mattress. He then sighed even louder when Even’s arms finally wrapped around his chest and made him turn around to face him.

“Baby,” Even whispered.

And it was all it took for Isak’s arms to lock around his neck and for him to crash into Even, to melt into his embrace. He didn’t cry. He didn’t feel like crying. He just wanted to latch onto him, to be part of him, to have him be part of him. He just wanted to breathe him in, to breathe him out. Isak was overwhelmed because Even’s hold was so strong yet so gentle. Isak felt safe. He felt safe, and for the first time, his crappy little apartment with Eskild felt like home.

“I hate seeing you like this,” said Even, pressing soft kisses to his temple and to his hair, his arms strong and tightly locked around his waist. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“You didn’t do anything,” said Isak. “Why are you sorry?”

“I don’t know why, but it still feels like my fault. I ruin everyone’s lives,” said Even. “Everyone’s lives turn to shit when they get involved with me.”

“I don’t think you control everything that happens in the universe, Even,” said Isak.

“Yes, but you were making plans to see me and then this happens. What are the odds? Why are we always so broken when we meet?”

“I don’t know,” Isak sighed against his neck. “But it’s not your fault.”

“I’m sorry I’m making this about me,” said Even. “Gosh. I’m such a fucking asshole.”

“Stop. Stop it with the self-loathing okay? It’s my time to hate myself right now,” said Isak.

“Sorry. And you shouldn’t hate yourself. You did nothing wrong,” said Even, playing with his hair, making him close his eyes whenever he pulled at a lock.

“I can’t believe she’s gone forever and I’m so fucked from guilt. I only started talking to her and paying attention to her recently. I’m the worst son in the fucking universe. I don’t know why she still loved me,” said Isak.

“How can anyone not love you?” said Even. “I’m sure she knew how much you cared about her. I’m sure.”

“I’m so fucking sad, Even.”

“I know,” said Even, pressing a gentle kiss to his forehead. “And I wish I could take your pain away. I wish I could take it and deal with it instead. I would do anything to take on your pain.”

“I can handle it. You once told me I can do anything,” said Isak.

“I did.”

“I’m just glad you’re here you know?” said Isak. “I don’t know what I’d be doing right now if you weren’t here.”

Even held him tighter and Isak nuzzled deeper against his neck, and for the first time Isak felt intimacy in its purest form without it being sexual. Even was just _there_ for him, offering emotional support and physical warmth and just helping him fall asleep.

.

Isak woke up in tears the middle of the night and Even was still holding him. His mother was still dead and his _lover_ was still holding him. He was hysterical.

“You can never die!” Isak cried. “I know you don’t do promises, but please promise me that you will never die.”

“Isak-”

“Please! Please, Even! Just promise me!”

“Fuck, okay, okay, I will never die,” said Even, his hands cupping his face and brushing the tears off his cheeks. “I will never leave you and I will never die.”

Isak cupped his face too, brought it down to his, and pressed their lips together. He finally kissed him, finally felt a little bit more whole, a little bit less hollow. He sighed into the _damn_ kiss. He sighed and poured his heart and soul into it. He was in so much pain and he was probably losing it, but he had to. He just had to.

“I love you,” said Isak. “I love you with all my heart.”

“Baby-”

“Shh don’t say anything. Just. I just wanted to say it. I never said it. I never told you that I love you. And I know that I don’t have to, that you probably know because I’m so fucking crazy about you. But I never told her that I loved her, and fuck me. I will never get over it.”

.

Isak slept and when he woke up Even was right there. He was there every day after that, too. Always right there, smiling and making food and rubbing his shoulders and pressing kisses to his hair and his cheeks and the corner of his mouth until Isak asked for more.

Isak went back to work and Even was right there, picking him up after a late shift, driving them around town in his obnoxious car with their fingers laced, taking him to some fancy restaurant when Isak never asked, and letting him crash in his hotel room at Radisson Blu when he just wanted to roll around in a massive bed and get room service. Even was just constantly there, making him smile when he really didn’t want to, holding him tight when grief hit him out of nowhere and he just had to curl against himself, and giving him space when he just needed to be alone. Even was his rock, his partner. And Isak couldn’t believe this is what they had become.

.

A month went by and Even wasn’t budging. Isak’s friends and colleagues eventually stopped asking if he was okay because he was smiling too now. He was smiling and going out and living his life. And people just expected him to be okay now. As if grief was a temporary thing, as if grief had a rhythm and was just meant to last a few weeks, as if grief wasn’t always with him inside him, eating at his insides, as if grief didn’t just hit out of nowhere when he was having a drink with Magnus or studying with Sana, as if grief had a deadline.

Even was good to him, so good to him. Isak wondered how he always knew when it was getting too much and when he should just leave him alone. But then he realized that he was all too familiar with the feeling. Isak loved him. He really did. They were good together. So good to each other.

They were walking down Karl Johan when Even stopped dead in his tracks and his face fell. Isak looked up and a woman with the kindest eyes was staring at them, the two of them, looking like she had just seen a ghost.

“Mom,” Even uttered and Isak felt a wince of pain go through him.

Even the word mom hurt him now. But this wasn’t about him. This was about Even and this woman who was apparently his mom. Isak didn’t know what to do, so he looked at Even to assess the situation. Even who looked pale and small.

The woman walked towards them and Isak wanted to shield him, protect him. But then she hugged him and Even melted in her embrace.

Isak couldn’t help but feel jealous, so jealous. But he was relieved. Whatever Even had done to his mother, she still threw all of her bags on the floor to hug him in the middle of the street.

“My son. My son. My son,” she repeated, pressing kisses to Even’s face who was tearing up now. And Isak cried because it all hurt too much but felt so good at the same time.

Isak went home and waited for Even to contact him.

* * *

**Even**

18:13

Wanna meet up?

I’m done

<3

Where?

Meet me at Nissen

Nissen? Hartvig Nissens Skole?

Yes

That’s where i went to high school lol

I know

How close are you?

Be there in 15

* * *

“Hi,” said Isak, the moment he saw Even sitting on a bench in the schoolyard.

“Hello,” said Even, reaching up for a kiss.

“Why did you wanna meet here? Strange,” said Isak.

“Why is it strange?”

“I don’t know. Are we supposed to be here?”

“Probably not. But if we get caught, we can just say that we used to go to this school,” said Even.

“I can get away with that. Not sure about you though,” said Isak.

“I went to Nissen, too.”

“What?”

“Yup,” said Even.

“You’re two years older than me. You would have been a third year when I was a first year. I would have remembered you,” said Isak.

“I was a third year when you were a second year,” said Even.

“Huh?”

“Yeah repeated my third year. Was in Bakka before.”

“Wait. What are you saying? You were a third year in Nissen and I never saw you?” said Isak. “Did you have plastic surgery and get a new face?”

“No. But to be fair, I was only in Nissen for less than a month,” said Even.

“What?”

“Yeah, I stayed for a month before shit went down you know.”

“Uh, okay,” said Isak not really sure what he meant by that. “Why did you want to meet here then?”

“This is where I first saw you.”

“What?”

“Saw you first day of school,” said Even. “You were cute as fuck.”

“I’m not keeping up. We first met in Sweden.”

“Yes, but I first saw you here. When we met again in Stockholm I couldn’t believe it. I had to do something.”

“I can’t believe this,” said Isak.

“Yeah.”

“You never told me.”

“Didn’t seem too important,” said Even.

“You’re telling me you’ve known about me since I was 17 and that it’s not important?”

“Okay. Yeah it’s important. Your 17 year old self was cute as fuck,” said Even.

“Shut up," Isak laughed. "Tell me more.”

“Uhm. I will one day. Just not right now. I’m still feeling fucked,” said Even.

“Is it related to the stuff you can’t talk about? To your past?”

“Yes.”

“Okay,” said Isak, taking Even’s hand. “Is you mom okay?”

“Yeah. She’s glowing. I’m almost glad I ran away. She deserved a break.”

“From you?” said Isak. “I don’t think so.”

“You’re cute,” said Even, running his other hand over his hair.

“I know that.”

“I’ll tell you everything one day. I promise,” said Even. “The good, the bad, I’ll tell you everything. I trust you.”

“Good. I’ll wait.”

“And you probably can’t tell, but just the fact that I was able to face my mother today is so huge for me. It’s so fucking hard to face people who had front row seats to your manic episodes. It’s almost impossible. I literally skipped town. I skipped the country. I couldn’t handle all the gossip and the talking behind my back, you know. I couldn’t handle people making my story into party gossip or a lunchtime topic. And I couldn’t talk about it either. I hated myself. It killed me. I couldn’t handle it. Everybody I had ever known knew about what I did and my condition. Everybody knew and I stopped being Even and just became the crazy kid, you know? It really sucks because you can’t just go and explain and tell some people that they’re wrong because you can’t talk about it. It’s almost impossible.”

Even wasn’t even breathing. He just kept talking and rambling and Isak could feel his pain. So he squeezed his hand and ran a hand through his hair.

“Baby, it’s okay,” said Isak. “It’s alright. You don’t have to tell me anything.”

“I want to,” said Even, with tears in his eyes. And it broke Isak. It broke him.

“I know. And that’s more than enough for me. You don’t owe me an explanation for your past. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.”

Even grabbed his face with both hands and looked at him with the saddest expression. His eyes were blue, so blue.

“You said that you love me,” said Even.

“I did. I do,” said Isak. “I love you.”

“That’s a miracle to me, you know.”

“Why?”

“Because I love you,” said Even. “I love you, and I never thought I would ever love someone who would love me back. It’s my only dream.”

“Baby-”

Even pressed their lips together, and Isak stopped thinking and breathing and functioning. But his heart felt heavy in his chest because there was so much love in Even. So much love and so much hurt, and he didn’t know it was possible to love someone this much.

. 

They drove back to Even’s hotel and made love all night, finally together again, one body, one soul, one heart.

Isak was already drained and coming down from a high, all blissful and glowing and sexed up, the ‘EvenEvenEven’ song playing on repeat in his head and heart and right there between his legs. Isak was so gone for him. Having Even inside him was his favorite feeling in the world. So when Even asked him, his eyes went wide, so wide. His heart, however, his heart felt full, so full.

“I want to feel you, too,” said Even. “I want to feel you in me. I want to be reminded of you whenever I move. I want you in every way I can have you. I want to do everything with you. I love you.”

Isak felt overwhelmed but he still had it in him to crack a joke.

“Or you know, you can just say that you want to ride me,” said Isak.

“Yeah, but that’s not romantic,” Even smiled and they laughed and they kissed and Isak loved him so much.

“Even, I love you so much,” said Isak.

“I love you, too.”

.

“Have you ever done this before?” said Even, lying beside him, completely spent, completely drained, kissing his face whenever he could.

“Yeah, with Matías once and Jakob a few times,” said Isak.

“Jakob?” said Even.

“You jealous?”

“No."

"Really?" said Isak.

"Yeah. I was just thinking about how good he’d be for you. I don’t know. I imagined you two so many times together.”

“Why?”

“Cause I’m a self-loathing piece of shit,” said Even.

“Stop it,” said Isak.

“Kidding. Kidding.”

“What about you?” said Isak.

“Hm?”

“Ever done this before?”

“Gotten fucked?” said Even.

“Don’t say it like that!” said Isak, his face flushing again.

Even laughed, leaned in, and kissed him.

“That’s what it is though, Isak,” said Even, still laughing. “At least when it’s not with you. And yes, I have.”

“Did they rim you like I did though?” said Isak.

“Woah look at you. All confident all of a sudden,” said Even.

“I’m just competitive, okay? I go to med school. It’s in my blood,” said Isak.

“Alright there, Cristina Yang,” said Even.

“Why am I Cristina Yang?”

“Because she’s the smartest,” said Even. “Or wait you want to be a neurosurgeon. You’re McDreamy.”

“Shut up,” said Isak.

“What? He’s the hottest and he has the best hair,” said Even.

“Derek is not the hottest. Take it back right now!”

“Alright, alright,” said Even.

.

“Even, have you ever been in love before?” said Isak.

“Yes kinda. I fell for my bestfriend Mikael in Bakka. He fucked me up though. And it was more like high school infatuation you know,” said Even. “There was also Sonja and I loved her but I don’t think I was in love with her.”

“I see,” said Isak. “What about Daysi?”

“I was full blown manic the whole time I knew her,” said Even. “I really cared about her. But I don’t remember half of our interactions.”

“Why were you so heartbroken then?” said Isak.

“Because I thought she loved me. I was so happy to know that someone finally loves me,” said Even.

“Somebody loves you,” said Isak.  

“I know that now,” said Even.

.

Days rolled by and things were getting better. Grief still hit Isak at the most random times and it still hurt, but he was getting used to it. He still winced when people mentioned their mothers or when someone lost their mother in a TV show or a movie, but he was getting through it. 

What he wasn't dealing well with, however, was the guilt. Isak still felt ungrateful, still felt empty, still felt like he hadn't redeemed himself. Isak still felt like he wanted to give more, to do more, for himself, for her, and for the world. Isak wanted to be better, wanted to do something for the universe so that it would leave him alone. He wanted some good Karma, and he needed to like himself again. He needed to stop feeling so bad about who he was as a person. 

And Even was so kind and so _there_. He still had trouble walking down the streets because he would recognize someone and turn around. And Isak hated that he had to put himself through that just to be with Isak. Isak hated it.

.

“You know I was so jealous when you saw your mother on Karl Johan,” said Isak, lying on top of Even’s chest. “I wish I could run into her in the streets.”

“Aw. I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s okay. And I know I sound terrible most of the time. But I really hope you work it out. It’s worth it. I promise,” said Isak.

“I will. For you, I will,” said Even.

“No. I want you to do it for yourself.”

“Alright.”

“I mean it,” said Isak. “I still feel so shitty for being so self-centered all my life. I wish I had done more for her and for others in general. I don’t know how to make myself useful. And I’m okay now, but I keep thinking that I want to do more you know. Just in general. I don’t know.”

“Like charity work?” said Even.

“Yeah. Or just something that makes use of my skills,” said Isak.

“You could do your internship program in a remote region in Norway that really needs doctors instead of the big cities,” said Even. “What do you think?’

“Yeah. Maybe.”

.

.

.

“I can’t let you go,” said Even. “It’s too dangerous!”

“I have to,” said Isak. “And it’s not even that dangerous.”

“You don’t know that! A lot can happen in a year. Another civil war might break.”

“I’ll be fine! I’ll just be a student volunteer so I’ll be mostly in the refugee sites. Nothing’s gonna happen to me,” said Isak.

“Refugee sites get targeted all the time, Isak!”

“Even,” Isak cupped his face in both hands. “I’m gonna be just fine. And nothing will happen to me. Okay?”

“But a whole year? A whole year, Isak? I’m gonna lose it!”

“We’ve gone longer than that,” said Isak. “We’ll be okay.”

“But-”

“I need to do this. Please don’t ask me to stay because I might just say yes.”

.

They hugged at the airport for so long, so _damn_ long. Isak was starting to regret his decision now that Even was trembling in his arms. Isak didn’t know how he was going to spend a whole year away from him with limited communication, how he was going to bear not knowing whether he was okay, whether things were good, whether his meds were treating him well. Isak couldn’t bear it. But he had to go. He had to if he wanted to like himself again.

“Even-”

“Just a little bit longer,” said Even, still holding on tight.

Isak couldn’t believe it. He was the one leaving this time. He was leaving Even behind in Norway, of all places.

“Gosh if something happens to you I will fucking die,” said Even.

“Shut up. I will never die,” said Isak.

“I’m so proud of you.”

“Kiss me, Even. Kiss me!”

Even did. He kissed him in that ‘Even’ way that made him forget his name and his whereabouts and his entire train of thought. He kissed him like the world was ending and it probably was. He kissed him like he forgave him for leaving, for not choosing him. Isak parted his lips and moaned into the kiss and pulled at his hair gently and he had been sure, so sure. But now he just wanted to cry.

“I don’t want to go,” he choked up. “Fuck what am I doing?”

But Even pressed a kiss to his forehead and pushed him towards the security line.

“Go. Go do great things and save lives and make me fucking proud,” said Even with tears in his eyes.

“I love you,” Isak cried. “I love you and I will come back to you and I will fly to the Philippines or wherever you go hiding next.”

“Not if I come to you, first,” said Even.

“Right.”

.

Isak cried the entire first hour on the plane. He couldn’t believe he was doing this. When the flight attendants brought refreshments, Isak moved in his seat to get more comfortable and finally noticed the all too familiar piece of paper peeking out of his jacket. _Even._

.

 

 

> _I’ll follow you to the ends of the Earth, baby <3 _
> 
> _-Even_

.

When they met again, Isak was a student volunteer with Doctors Without Borders in South Sudan and Even had followed him there as a photographer for UNHCR. When they met again, Isak’s soul was healing and Even finally opened up to him about everything. When they met again, Even fell in love with a little four year old South Sudanese girl named Ayak who followed him everywhere while he took pictures, and held onto his wrist, and mimicked his gestures. When they met again, Isak fell in love all over again, with life, with hope, with love, and with Even.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy final SKAM week. I am so sad. I'm going to cry for 3 years.  
> .  
> Writing this was so difficult and so so hard. I hope you liked it. I am drained haha. I promised I would stop making them suffer now. So consider this an end to the suffering. sort of. maybe. Once again I want to thank liljesmoothie for helping me out and for answering my questions and sharing so much with me <3333\. Thank you for being wonderful.  
> .  
> Is Isak Cristina Yang or Derek Shepherd? To me he is Meredith Grey! <3  
> I'm excited to write the next chapter. So so excited. An early inspiration for this fic was Doctor!Isak meeting photographer!Even in the middle of a warzone. But they're so strong now. Their encounter cannot be random. And I couldn't for the life of me put them in a literal warzone. Of course Isak would volunteer. He has the biggest heart. And of course Even would follow him, he loves him too much.  
> Next chapter will be focused on Even and his struggles and his demons. He will meet the cutest little girl who will teach him so much, and Isak will love him 894993x more.  
> .  
> I'm excited for what remains. I really want to write one from Even's POV. Guess where it will be? I want to cover Bali and Cuba (and Italy?)! aeee.  
> .  
> Once again I want to say thank you to everyone who reads my stories and leaves comments and kudos. Means so much to me. I've never lost someone that close to me but I did my best to research it and get in that headspace. I asked around and it was so difficult to write but I hope I got remotely close to that feeling. I apologize to anyone who has had trouble reading this chapter. You are so strong. *hugs*  
> .  
> Leave a comment if you felt something and I apologize for this monster of a chapter. Next update will probably have to wait because it's the last week and I will be emotionally drained and so will you. Hope it's okay. Probably. Thank you so much for reading <333


	9. Juba: Take Care of the World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "We're family."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the LONG wait. SKAM ending left me so emotionally unstable. Add that to some crappy stuff in my life and you end up with upset readers :( I'm sorry.  
> Hope you like this <3  
> Warning: mention of past SA

“So what are you?” said Eskild one cold morning over coffee and tea in their kitchen.

“What do you mean?” said Isak.

“Are you together? Is he your boyfriend now?”

“I don’t know.”

“Isak, he’s been here for months.”

“I know.”

“So what exactly are you?”

_I don't know._

.

Even had stayed in Oslo after the funeral for far longer than Isak could have ever imagined. It was nice and comforting and Isak felt so safe in his arms. Even made the coldest nights so warm and Isak couldn’t believe how easy falling asleep had become.

Even cooked him food and rubbed his shoulders and showered him with so much affection that Isak couldn’t help but close his eyes sometimes when Even had a hand in his hair. He was twenty-three and was reduced to a shy mess whenever Even showed up to the hospital and wrapped an arm around his shoulders in front of his colleagues. Isak loved him too much. He had no idea what they were or when Even would take off but he loved him too much.

Applying for Doctors Without Borders took him months, and he was so embarrassed about it at first that he didn’t tell Even or anyone really. The initial shock from everybody was overwhelming and Jonas was upset for a few hours before telling him that he would kill him if he ever got hurt. Eskild was convinced that Isak was out of his mind and that it was PTSD following his mother’s death. The reaction he worried about the most, however, was Even’s. He didn’t know what he would say, how he would react. He didn’t know what he expected. But it certainly wasn’t a huge grin and a kiss and a “I’m so proud of you.”

Isak couldn’t help but feel a little bit disappointed. He wished Even would ask him to stay for once. He wished Even would be the one holding on and suggesting a future together and making plans. Isak wished for so many things. But Even was supportive instead. He was supportive and smiling with crinkled eyes and looking beautiful as always, and it drove Isak mad. He was so angry. He couldn’t believe him.

Isak stayed angry until he woke up to Even nearly smothering him one night with a hug so tight that it almost crushed his lungs.

“Don’t leave me,” Even mumbled against his neck, choking up. “I know it’s selfish, but please don’t leave me.”

“Even-”

“If anything happens to you I won’t survive it.”

“Nothing will happen to me,” said Isak after forcing Even’s face out of the crook of his neck with his own hands. “Hey. Babe, look at me.”

And Even did. The lights were turned off but the lamps outside his window still lit up Even’s face. He looked sad, so sad. _I’m making him sad._

“Nothing will happen to me,” said Isak. “But if you want me to stay. If you really don’t want me to go, I won’t.”

.

Even let him go because he was Even.

“You have to take care of the world,” he said. “I can’t be the one holding you back.”

“Thank you,” said Isak.

And Isak was grateful even though it hurt. He was grateful because he really wanted to make a difference. He really wanted to stop feeling so guilty all the time. He really wanted to honor his mother’s memory before moving on with his life.  

.

The first week was the toughest. Isak had been so wrapped up in simply getting there, simply making it to the airport and simply landing that he was nowhere near ready for what awaited him.

He had been too naive, too hopeful, too blind, probably. It was nothing like he had imagined, and no amount of reading or training could have prepared him for the initial shock.

He was deployed in Juba, the capital of South Sudan, and the peace he had read about in the newspapers seemed like the furthest thing from the truth.

Doctors Without Borders (MSF) had been in the country since 1983, and the first thing Isak noticed about the senior staff members was that they were too jaded. He understood the importance of being detached, especially in the context of their profession, but he was still surprised by how stonecold they could be. Isak crawled into his little bed the first night, held on to the crinkled picture of Even he kept in his chest pocket at all times, and questioned his entire life choices.

Isak quickly learned that the rest of the staff was simply focused, that by detaching themselves they were being more focused and he had started picking it up as well. Things were better now than they were a few years prior, he found out. An entire MSF hospital had been destroyed and looted in Leer in 2014, and staff and patients had to be evacuated. A number of MSF staff members lost their lives amidst the violence in Malakal in 2016, and a dozen of other fatalities could be seen all over the country. Staff had to retract constantly as respect for international law and relief seemed to be dwindling. But things had gotten better. They had to.

The first month was hectic and Isak didn’t know how to make himself useful. The sheer horror and the nature of some wounds made him throw up a couple of times. He never had to deal with anything even remotely similar in Oslo. He couldn’t believe he had complained to Jakob once about having to stitch up that annoying homophobic man’s forehead back in Norway. He couldn’t believe how insignificant everything he had ever done up until now was.

Isak was so overwhelmed and so lost and so helpless that he barely thought about anything else at all. The moment Even popped into his mind, someone with critical wounds would end up on his table and Isak would have to shove the thought of him and his blue eyes and his soft hair into the back of his mind, like an anchor, like a lighthouse. Isak couldn’t afford to want things anymore. He had to remain focused at all times.

He eventually got transferred to a refugee camp outside of Juba and away from the major conflict sites because they were short on midwives which Isak immediately assumed was a mistake.

.

“They want me to deliver babies, Even. Babies!” Isak groaned on the phone.

“Oh my god, babies? You’re going to bring babies into life?! Oh my god, Isak!” Even squealed on the other side of the line. He was in London for _god knows what._

“Stop. It’s nothing to be excited about,” said Isak, now fidgeting under the tent where he usually had access to a working phone. “I mean I assisted sometimes back in Oslo. But it’s so different. I won’t have an attending. I’m so nervous. I’m gonna die!”

“Stop it. You’re gonna do amazing,” said Even. “You’re going to deliver babies. I’m so proud of you. I can’t believe this.”

“You don’t understand! South Sudan has the highest maternal mortality rate in the world! I could lose the mothers!”

“You won’t,” said Even.

“You don’t know that!”

“Yes, I know that, Isak. The world isn’t that cruel. If there’s one thing I know, it’s that we have to give the world the benefit of a doubt.”

.

Isak lost the mother of the first baby he delivered. She bled out on his table while he scrambled with towels and pads and suction tubes with tears all over his face. His heart hurt so much that he cried all night in a little supply room because he was too embarrassed and too crushed to face the senior staff members. They were probably used to it, but Isak still wanted to scream.

_Why am I here? I want to make a difference! I don’t want to just watch people die._

The child would grow up to be an orphan like many others and he couldn’t help but blame himself.

His head remained facing down for days until this Professor from Yale pulled him aside after one of their sync ups. Isak was nervous. He was nervous because he was so awestruck by his intellect and focus and overall composure. He was a former International President of Doctors Without Borders, and if there was one person besides Even who left him speechless, it was him.

“Did you know that you remind me of a young man who worked with me in the Democratic Republic of Congo?” said the Professor.

“Uh, really?”

“Yes. He was very bright and competent just like you.”

“Oh, thank you,” said Isak, flustered and grateful.

“He struggled a lot with guilt at the beginning, and it took him some time to finally understand that it’s not about him, or you, or me. Ultimately, we just have to do our best, even if it’s not enough.”

Isak nodded and wondered how he had even noticed that about him.

The professor tapped his shoulder and got up to leave when Isak spoke again.

“Where is he?” said Isak.

“Hm?”

“The young man I remind you of.”

“Dead. Unfortunately.”

“Oh,” was all that Isak managed.

The Professor smiled and gave him a tap on the shoulder.

“You’re not the only one with regrets, Isak.”

Isak was left alone with his thoughts for the rest of the day. He couldn’t believe that his idol knew his name in the first place.

.

“Even, he is incredible!” said Isak. “I can’t believe I just had a one on one conversation with him.”

“I hope you know I’m imagining him as a handsome 29 year old man right now.”

“Oh shut up,” Isak laughed.

“Describe him to me,” said Even.

“What the hell? Why? Are you seriously jealous?”  
“Of course not. I just want to imagine everything you tell me in my head as if I’m there, you know.”

“Oh.”

.

“He’s a middle aged man with tanned skin. He’s from India and he’s currently a senior fellow at Yale. He isn’t very tall but he has so much presence. He’s always so composed even when a patient is bleeding out on his table. I don’t know how he does it,” said Isak. “If I lost colleagues on the ground, I would probably never go back.”

“That’s not true,” said Even.

“Hm?”

“You’re strong. You can come back from anything,” said Even.

“Uh.” Isak couldn’t believe how Even could leave him speechless even through the phone.

“You still there?” said Even.

“Yeah, just a bit tired, sorry.”

“I miss you.”

“I miss you, too,” said Isak. “So much.”

“You’ll see me soon,” said Even.

“Yeah ten months from now doesn’t sound like soon to me.”

“And whose fault is that?” Even joked.

“Really? Really, Even?”

“Kidding. I know you’re out there taking care of the world and I’m proud of you.”

“Stop it,” said Isak, grateful that Even couldn’t see how flushed his face had gotten.

“By the way, how was your first baby delivery?” said Even. “Did the mother name the child Isak after you?”

Isak was suddenly reminded of the tragedy. Even was wrong. The world was that cruel but Isak didn’t have the heart to let him know.

“It went great. And I’m making a case for Even as a name.”

“It’s a cool name, don’t you think?” said Even.

“Yeah a good name to moan, too,” said Isak.

“Isak!” Even laughed on the phone.

“What?”

“Nothing. I just miss you so much.”

“Hope you think of me when you touch yourself,” said Isak.

“I’m doing that right now.”

“Shut up!”

“What? Is phone sex frowned upon when you’re deployed in Humanitarian relief efforts?”

“You’re the worst,” said Isak.

“Yeah well I know you didn’t get a picture of me developed just to keep it close to your heart,” said Even teasingly.

_I did though. I did._

.

Isak lost more patients and cried when he was out of sight, then lied about it to Even. They didn’t talk all that much but Isak made the most out of the little time he was allowed. He smiled to himself for hours after each call, and Athieng, the Sudanese nurse on the staff, never failed to notice it and tease him about it.

“Wife?” she asked.

“No,” said Isak, smiling.

“How did your family even let you come here?”

“I don’t have much family,” said Isak.

“Oh. Well, me neither.”

.

Isak had stopped crying altogether by the end of the third month. He valued each life. He fought for each life. He really did. But he understood that some things were out of his control now. He understood that the world was simply cruel sometimes now.

He was giving antibiotics to a little girl called Ayak who wouldn’t stop touching his hair, when Athieng came to find him.

“Someone is looking for you,” she said.

“Me? Uh, can you tell them to wait a bit? I’m busy,” said Isak, without looking up. “Who is it?”

“I don’t know. A very tall man who looks like you.”

“What?” Isak looked up. He was positive that no one looked like him in the entire center.

“He has a very long neck.”

.

Isak ran like an idiot across the camp with Ayak pressed against his chest and her arms around his neck. There was no way it was him. There was no way it was Even. But Isak still ran, still ran with his heart in his throat and tears in his eyes while Ayak held onto him as tight as she could.

If Isak were a terrible person, he would have probably dropped Ayak the moment he saw him. _How is he here? What the fuck? Oh my god!_ But he managed to put her down gently. He managed to put her down and tell her to wait for him for a minute before running towards Even and crashing into him.

“What the fuck!? What the fuck, Even?! How are you here? How are you here?! Oh my god!?”

Even didn’t kiss his lips but still kissed his neck when he lifted him off the ground. Isak was probably crying, and _gosh, I don’t do this anymore_ , but whatever. He was probably dreaming. This was probably a dream or a hallucination. Isak was probably dying. But Even’s fingers were digging into his skin and he smiled and tilted his head to the side and set fire to Isak’s heart, and it was too much for a dream. Not even his dreams were this wild.

“Even?!”

“I told you I would see you soon,” he smiled.

They hugged for the longest time while everyone stared. Isak didn’t care, didn’t want to let go, didn’t want to open his eyes. So he hugged him until he could feel someone pull at his pants by his calves. _Ayak._ Ayak with her beautiful big black eyes and innocent smile.

Even let go of him first and crouched down to her level.

“Hello beautiful,” he smiled and Isak’s heart couldn’t handle it.

Ayak immediately wrapped her arms around Even’s neck and gave him a hug and Isak had to stop himself from bawling his eyes out.

Even laughed and picked her up.

“I’m afraid I’m gonna have to keep her,” he said.

But Isak had nothing to say. He was too overwhelmed. He was shaking. So when Ayak’s little hands reached up to wipe tears off his face, he gasped and felt himself break again.

.

“What are you even doing here? Are you out of your damn mind?!” Isak screamed once his emotions were a little bit under control.

“Well, yeah, sometimes. Not right now though,” said Even, stretching his legs in the small supply room where Isak had dragged him.

“Fuck! I didn’t mean it like that! Shit. I’m sorry!”

“Don’t worry about it. I know what you mean. And no I’m not out of my damn mind, baby.”

“How did you even get here? There are no commercial flights. What’s going on?”

“I’m here with the UNHCR.”

“What? How?”

“Volunteering as a photographer,” said Even, smiling.

“Oh my god! I can’t believe you!”

“Why?” said Even, moving closer and placing his hands on Isak’s hips.

“How could you come here? It’s too dangerous. It’s-”

Even’s fingers pressed against his skin and made him forget his train of thought altogether.

“Baby, you’ve lost so much weight,” said Even.

“I’m-. I’m fine.”

“I’m touching your bones right now, dammit,” he said, moving his hands up Isak’s shirt to his ribs.

“Even, seriously I’m alright. It’s not that bad. It doesn’t matter,” said Isak. “What matters is why you’re here in the first place.”

“I’m here because I miss my boyfriend,” said Even.

Isak couldn’t think of any words to say for nothing could really describe what he was feeling. So he grabbed Even’s face and finally pressed their lips together instead. Electric. It was as electric as he remembered all of their kisses to be.

“I love you,” said Isak.

“And I love you.”

.

Isak was still busy most of the time and still couldn’t see Even until the end of the day. They stayed in different compounds and had to meet up secretly at the crack of dawn to breathe into each other’s lips like desperate teenagers.

Even worked, too and he had to leave the camp for a few days to visit a camp near Malakal. Isak was so worried as he had no means of checking up on him, and those days were the most stressful ones in Isak’s life. So when he finally spotted his blonde hair a few days later, he ran to him with all the despair he carried in his heart and crashed into his chest.

“Gosh, you can’t leave again! You can never leave like that!”

He held onto him until another contender interrupted them. _Ayak._

.

Isak didn’t really know when Ayak had become attached to Even but they were inseparable now. Wherever Even went, Ayak followed. And what a strain on Isak’s heart.

He wasn’t that sappy, but watching Even attempt to fix her hair made him want to cry.

“What are you doing?” said Isak, joining them outside the big tent.

“I’m trying to tie her hair up,” said Even. “I think she’s feeling hot.”

“I’m starting to get jealous.”

“Want me to tie your hair up, baby?”

“No. I’m jealous of you! She doesn’t pay that much attention to me,” said Isak.

“What?! She’s obsessed with you! I had to carry her away from you while you were working earlier.”

“Huh, why?”

“There was too much blood,” said Even.

“Right. I forgot about that. I forgot it wasn’t a normal sight.”

Isak was telling him about his morning when Ayak wrapped her fingers around his thumb, making his heart skip a beat.

“Oh.”

“I love it when she does that,” said Even. “She’s the cutest. Isn’t she?”

“She is.”

She really was.

.

Isak started taking random five minute breaks just to watch Even take pictures and Ayak follow him around. He watched her play with his hair and squish his cheeks. He watched her sleep against his chest while he worked on his computer. Isak did a lot of watching, alright.

.

“Where are her parents?” Even asked one night.

“I don’t know. I think her mom is a patient here,” said Isak.

And she was. Her mother was probably seven to eight months pregnant and Isak asked to look after her. Her condition wasn’t the best and it tore Isak apart, Isak who couldn’t understand how Ayak still had the most beautiful smile on her face all day when she wasn’t taken care of at all.

.

Even was so good with people, so good with Ayak, so good with her mother. He was so good and so kind and Isak was sure people liked him better now. Even stone cold Athieng laughed at Even’s silly jokes, now.

He visited every day and helped however he could. He carried medical supplies around and took pictures of the staff and rubbed Isak’s shoulders when he was tired. Even was the best human being Isak knew. Even was the embodiment of humanity and it made his heart burst.

“Even?” Isak breathed from where he was lying on Even’s chest in the UNHCR car they had so graciously borrowed for a late night make out session.

“Yes?” said Even.

“I lied to you.”

“Hm?”

“The first time I delivered a baby a couple of months ago. I lost the mother. She died. She bled out on my table,” said Isak.

“Oh, baby.”

“It fucked me up. I couldn’t tell you.”

“It’s not your fault,” said Even, his hands brushing hair off of Isak’s forehead.

“It felt like it was back at the time.”

“The universe just sucks sometimes.”

“I know that now,” said Isak.

“I’m sorry you had to go through that,” said Even, pressing a kiss to his temple.

“It’s okay. It’s not about me.”

“This is why I couldn’t stop you when you wanted to go,” said Even.

“Huh?”

“You’re too good. The world needs people like you, you know. People who take care of the world.”

“That’s very corny,” said Isak.

“But it’s true.”

.

Even was so excited for Ayak’s mother to give birth. He was way too excited and Isak was feeling nervous because her condition didn’t look promising. He consulted with their team lead, and her chances looked slim but Isak would still do his best. _The world is cruel, but not that cruel._

Except that it was because Even was right there with his camera when Ayak’s brother took his first breath and her mother her last. He was right there when Isak went stone cold and stopped feeling and started thinking and using his own hands to control the bleeding. He was right there when Isak and Athieng tried their very best and everything they could to keep her with them. He was right there when Isak stepped back and finally spoke.

“Time of death, 14:07.”

.

“No!”

“Even-”

“No. Fuck this. No fucking way!” Even almost yelled, pushing past Isak and pressing his palms against Ayak’s mother’s chest.

“Even-”

“No!” Even screamed, with tears rolling down his cheek now.

He counted up to three and pressed, and did it again for what seemed like eternity. Isak wanted to stop him but _gosh,_ he wanted to cry, too.

Athieng was gone now, having grabbed Ayak and the newborn the moment things started going south. It was just Isak and Even and the broken pieces of both of their souls. Even was still pressing his palms against her chest, still counting, still crying when Isak wrapped his arms around his waist and pressed against his back.

“Even”

“No. Isak, no! We can’t just let her go! We can’t-”

“Baby. Please!” Isak choked up and Even was full on sobbing now.

“No, Isak! The world can’t be this cruel! It can’t!”

“Baby, it’s over. There’s nothing we can do now.”

.

Even walked away and Isak followed him outside the camp, trusting that Athieng would take care of the baby. He followed closely behind Even because he didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know how to handle this. Even was sobbing out loud and Isak had never seen him like this, had never dealt with anything like this.

He sat beside him on the ground as Even held onto his head, and he did everything in his power not to cry, too. He had to stay strong, for him. Even had never been exposed to this. He had to be strong for him.

“It’s gonna be okay,” he whispered, a hand on the back of Even’s neck. “Just breathe.”

“I can’t, Isak. I don’t understand!”

“It’s okay. Everything is going to be okay. I promise,” said Isak while rubbing his neck.

.

Even eventually calmed down, right there in Isak’s arms, both of them still bloody and sweaty.

“I feel like a worthless piece of shit,” Even muttered.

“What? Why? It’s not your fault.”

“That’s not why. It’s just-. I don’t get it. I can’t wrap my head around it!”

“Around what?” said Isak.

“Some people just want to live! They just want to survive! Why is it that some people don’t have to worry about making it to the next day? Why are some people destined to run and become refugees while others are warm in the safety of their homes? What the fuck, Isak?!”

“I don’t know.”

“Why don’t people who want to live so badly get a chance? Why is it that it’s people like me who get to live?!”

“Even, what are you talking about? Of course you get to live. Of course-”

“I tried to take my own life, Isak!” Even interrupted him. “I tried to fucking die and I still lived and I hated the universe for that. I really did! And now. Now- fuck! For the longest time, all I wanted to do was die. And now I see these people who just want to live and I don’t understand!”

Isak didn’t realize it but his hands were over his mouth now. _Did he just-_

“I’m. Shit. I shouldn’t have told you that,” said Even. “Dammit.”

“No!” said Isak. “You-. Uh. You can tell me anything! I promise.”

And Even did, right there under the orange sky. He told him about how he tried to take his own life at Bakka. He told him about how desperate and empty he felt. He told him about how he felt like nothing could ever be okay ever again, about how he just wanted to stop his thoughts and the hurt in his heart. He told him everything and Isak’s heart broke with every word.

“Is that why you left Norway?” said Isak.

“No,” said Even. “I got better after that actually. I took some time off and my mother looked after me for the longest time. I broke her heart but she still did everything for me. She even bought me a car. I joined Nissen and started over after that. Things were looking up you know. I saw you and I waited for you to notice me or something. But I had a girlfriend at the time so I didn’t chase you. I was going to, though. I was really going to.”

“What happened?”

“I crashed again, I guess,” said Even. “I crashed and nothing seemed worth it anymore. I crashed and I did it again right after promising my mother I wouldn’t. I broke her heart again.”

“Baby-”

“When I woke up in the hospital, the first thing I heard was her crying. I felt miserable. I know that she didn’t mean it now, but she told my dad that sometimes she wondered how her life would be if I didn’t exist, if I didn’t hurt her like that. I waited a few days until I was strong enough before taking off. I sold the car and booked a flight to Denmark. Never looked back.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“I felt so alone,” Even mumbled.

“You will never be alone again.”

.

For some reason, Isak felt like they had gotten even closer after Even opened up to him if that was even possible. Isak felt the urge to wrap him in the tightest hug and keep him shielded. He felt the urge to protect him from the universe’s cruelty, but then figured that Even was all too familiar with it. It was a lot to digest but it didn’t make him love Even any less. It didn’t change anything. It just made him love him even more. _My sweet sweet Even. How long have you carried your broken heart for?_

.

Violent incidents started erupting in a few towns surrounding their camp, and more and more patients were ushered to their team. Isak barely had any time to breathe and Even spent all of his time with Ayak now. He didn’t even do his job anymore. He just spent every waking hour with the little girl while Athieng cared for the baby.

Isak was a little bit worried that Even might be internalizing what had happened for he was smiling again as if everything was okay. He started smiling all the time and pressing kisses to the corners of Isak’s mouth all the time, even when people were watching.

.

“I think I’ll bring her back with me to London,” said Even one night.

“What?” said Isak.

“Ayak. I’ll take her with me.”

“You’re joking right?”

“No, why would I be?”

“Uh. You can’t kidnap a child,” said Isak.

“It’s not kidnapping. I’ll just adopt her or something.”

Isak laughed because surely he was pulling his leg.

“Why are you laughing?”

“Even, you’re 25 years old.”

“So what?”

“You can’t adopt a child,” said Isak.

“Yes, I can. I looked it up. I can definitely do it. Other people have done it before.”

“What?”

Isak put his report down and switched all of his attention to Even. It wasn’t until then that he noticed that he was smiling.

“Why are you smiling?”

“I already figured it out. I have my apartment in London, and it can easily fit both of you. It’s gonna be so great, Isak. I can already see where we’ll put her crib.”

Isak kept smiling and laughing because he didn’t know what else to do.  _What the hell._

.

Isak found out about a week later that his loan had been paid out through Eskild.

“What?!”

“I had to call you. I’m so glad you accepted my phone call.”

“Eskild, of course. What’s going on?”

“Even asked me to pay for your loan,” said Eskild.

“Wait what? What loan? He doesn’t even know I took one.”

“Isak, he was here for months and you always left those letters from the bank on the kitchen table.”

“What the fuck? And he asked YOU to pay it? Why?”

“He transferred money to my account and asked me to pay.”

.

Isak quickly realized that Even was slipping. He was slipping hard and fast and Isak didn’t know what to do.

“I filled out the paperwork for Ayak and it’s definitely happening. I’m so happy. Are you happy? I can’t wait. I’m so excited. It’s like a dream you know.”

“Even-”

“I love you. When we get back to Oslo we will have the best wedding.”

“Even-”

“Oh my god! I should start the paperwork for Ayak’s little brother as well! We can name him Nyaring which means ‘running’ in the Dinka language. Apparently it’s a girl’s name, but who cares right? Gender norms are weird anyways! Right? Oh my god. I’m so excited.”

.

The fighting escalated and the neighboring camp got looted, so they were forced to move. Isak packed with his heart in his throat because they could get attacked any minute and because Even was spiraling out of control. He wasn’t sure how to deal with any of it.

“Baby, how are you feeling?” he asked with a hand on Even’s cheek.

“I’m feeling amazing and I love you,” said Even.

“I love you, too.”

“I can’t believe we’re gonna become a family.”

_What the fuck._

.

Even crashed the day he learned he wasn’t getting Ayak or Nyaring or anything at all. He crashed hard and fast and Isak’s entire heart broke. _Goddammit._ He couldn’t bear it. He knew it was going to happen, but it still tore him apart. Even was a mess. A beautiful _fucking_ mess, and Isak had only ever read about it, never thinking he would actually get to witness it. Even was a mess with a golden heart, and when he found out the authorities thought he was “insane”, he wanted to scream.

He heard some staff members from the UNHCR team talk about how they couldn’t believe Even got through the cracks and got approved even with a mental illness history. And Isak was so angry that he almost started a fight if it weren’t for Ayak’s fingers around his thumb. _My sweet, sweet girl._

Ayak had nothing. And it killed Isak. He, too, wanted to give her the world. _I’m sorry the world has failed you._

.

It was the third day and Even was still breathing softly in his sleeping bag. It was the third day and Isak was treating patients with his heart in pieces because Even was in pain, and Isak hoped with all his soul that he wouldn’t try to hurt himself. _He is strong. He is strong. He will survive this._

He found out UNHCR was sending him back to London on the fourth day and he ran back to where Even was curled around himself.

Isak threaded his fingers through Even’s hair and cried. He just cried because he couldn’t bear seeing him like this, because he didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know anything. _Should I come with you? Should I stay? What should I do?_ _  
_.

“I will take care of both of them,” said Athieng. “Ayak and Nyaring. I won’t let anything happen to them. You can go. I promise.”

“I can’t just leave! I have responsibilities. I have things to do. And people actually rely on me. I can’t just-”

“Isak,” she said, looking him dead in the eyes. “No one expects you to stay. We’re evacuating to a new site anyways. They’ll bring in new people.”

“But-”

“You’re useless with a broken heart anyways.”

Isak didn’t have much to say after that. He just leaned against the wall and closed his eyes.

“I don’t know what to do,” he sighed.

“Yes, you do,” said Athieng. “You know exactly what to do. That’s why we’re having this conversation.”

“Shit.”

“And you lied to me,” she said.

“What?”

“You said you didn’t have family.”

.

Isak pressed kisses all over Ayak’s face and she cried because she understood. She was so small and so skinny and so fragile, and sometimes when Isak watched her sit with her knees behind her ears, he wanted nothing more but to kidnap her and take her back with him, too.

“I’m sorry,” he sobbed. “I’m so sorry.”

She hugged him because she understood. She held him so tight that it broke him.

“I’ll come back for you. I promise,” said Isak. “When I’m rich and powerful and older, I’ll come get you. I promise.”

She pressed a kiss to his face and he broke down in tears again before Athieng all but snatched her away from him.

“Go,” she said with tears in her eyes. “I’ll take care of her and Nyaring. I promise, Isak. Just go.”

“Fuck this,” Isak cried.

“You’re by far my favorite white person with a savior complex in the world,” she smiled.

.

.

.

London looked as bitter and morbid as Isak felt. He was empty inside. He was hollow. But he had a job to do. He couldn’t afford to mope and gloat. He couldn’t.

When Even woke up on the third day in his apartment with Isak pressed against his back, he cried.

“What the fuck, Isak?”

“Shh. Go back to sleep,” Isak whispered.

"Where are we?"

"Home."

"Isak, I'm pretty sure this is my apartment in London."

"Yeah well, home is wherever I'm with you, so."

“What? What are you doing here?” said Even after turning around in his arms to face him. There was so much hurt in his voice, so much hurt.

“I’m here because my boyfriend needs me,” said Isak, doing his best to smile.

“No. You should go. I can’t hold you back. I can take care of myself. I can’t-”

“You’re not holding me back,” said Isak, a hand in his hair.

“But you’re meant for greatness. You’re meant for so much more,” said Even.

“Yeah whatever. Right now just let me take care of you. You followed me to a warzone. Let me do this for you.”

“But you’re meant to take care of the world,” Even whispered. “Not me.”

_Yeah but to me, you are the world._

“Yeah but to me, you are the world.”

* * *

**Eskild**

**19:45**

About 8 months late but

We’re family

Even and I

We’re family

* * *

When they met again, it was the next morning when they both woke up in Even’s bed. It took both of them weeks to recover, weeks to process everything, weeks to roll back to a version of who they were before everything went south. It took them time and Isak felt down for the longest time, too. It took them time but they were strong and they were together and they were going to get through this.

.

.

When Even got better, they went back to Oslo, got an apartment together, and broke Eskild’s heart when they moved out. Isak went back to school, started a new internship in the city, and stayed in touch with Athieng through e-mails. Even got a job in a massive studio and started working on a gallery. They grew stronger than ever. And soon, smiling and falling asleep no longer required effort.

When they traveled again, they were 25 and 27 and they headed to Bali in Indonesia for the summer, then Seoul, then Tokyo again because Even regretted that they never got to make love in the love hotels, and then finally Italy. When they traveled again, Isak had a very important question to ask.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope some of you are still reading this story <3\. I started the second verse after getting a prompt without really thinking so I'm sorry about that. I'll do my best to finish hiwiwy soon and jump on it <333\. I'm starting to get my writing mojo back. I had the WORST week ever so please bear with me <3
> 
> Thank you for all the kudos and comments. It means so much as always. The nameless professor I mentioned is a real person I met at a conference. He inspired me SO MUCH and he's out there constantly risking his life for what he believes in. I didn't write his name out of respect. He's truly phenomenal and meeting him kind of changed me as a person.  
> The pair of eyes from Even's insta post are from this picture: http://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-04-26/girl-in-sudanese-refugee-camp/7356552 this is a real little south sudanese girl <333 Didn't want to feature her whole face because I don't want to exploit that. The picture is so heartwarming though <3333\. The idea of Even taking pictures in South Sudan came from the American photojournalist Lynsey Addario, another incredible person I got the chance to see at a conference. 
> 
> So what do you expect for what remains? What's Isak's question? :p Will they ever get Ayak? Stay tuned <3333  
> Thank you for reading.  
> Here is the song for this chapter: Lord Huron - Ends of the Earth


	10. The World: God. Don't leave me.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You're the best thing in my life."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello. sorry for the long wait. hope you enjoy this <3 thank you for being so wonderful.  
> warning: EVEN POV <3

Even fell in love in a school yard when he was nineteen. It was absurd and it defied all logic but love wasn’t supposed to make sense. Romeo fell in love with Juliet in a heartbeat. It didn’t have to make sense. The greatest love stories never made sense.

_“You know nothing about him.”_

_Yes, but I still choose love._

.

Even thought about the boy with the golden locks whenever a song about lost love came up on shuffle. It was the sweetest and most comforting thought. _What I could have had._

Even never acted on his silly little crush because he ran away as soon as things got too dark, too messed up. His heart hurt and his soul was bruised and he was lonely, so lonely. But the memory of this boy and his snapbacks and his sweet laugh kept him warm on the coldest nights.

.

**Sweden**

When Even met him again in Stockholm, he was so happy that he chased him and made him laugh and kissed him in a subway station. He kissed him and his heart was so full and so heavy in his chest. But then he left because he had a plane to catch in the morning and Isak didn’t deserve to have a liability in his life. No one did. So he scribbled words on a note and left it with the receptionist.

.

**Argentina**

When Even ran into him in Argentina he knew that they were somewhat written in the stars. _What are the odds?_ So he gave all of himself to make Isak feel better. Isak who was visibly broken. Isak who was the sweetest thing.

.

**Portugal**

Timing was a _bitch._ Even got engaged and it hurt because he couldn’t remember much. It hurt because he cared about Daysi, but he wasn’t sure. He wasn’t sure but he couldn’t break her.

Isak was the sweetest thing, looking like a gift under the portuguese sun.

_‘Unwrap me,’_ Isak’s eyes screamed.

But Even couldn’t. He couldn’t do this to her, to him, and to himself. So he sealed his lips when Isak pressed the sweetest kiss to them, held onto his heart, and ignored the universe’s wishes.

.

**Morocco**

Morocco was a dream and Even was in love. He was in love but he was heartbroken at the same time. Heartbroken because he was no longer engaged, because he was alone again, because Isak was right there begging him for something, _anything,_ but he couldn’t have him without breaking him.

So he carried him in his heart and then on his back when he passed out after a wild night in a club in Marrakech, and what a strain on his heart.

.

**Prague and Vienna**

Even was in love and he wanted to show him the world, so he did. Prague was magical and Vienna was a dream. But nothing compared to the sight of Isak panting beneath him on New Year’s Eve while snow fell softly outside their window. Nothing compared to the little sounds he made, to his flushed face, to his pearly skin, to his moans and his nails digging into his flesh. Nothing compared to Isak begging for more, to the little tears running down his cheeks, to his eyes fluttering close whenever Even pushed all of his being into him. Nothing compared.

Even had had sex before. But he had never made love. Not like this. Never like this. _Gosh, I love you._ But Even could never say it.

_Lovers. We are lovers._

.

**Paris**

Paris was the city of love. And it was all perfect until it wasn’t. Until Isak broke him. But it was okay. It wasn’t Isak’s fault. It wasn’t his fault. Even gathered the pieces of his broken heart, scribbled words on a note, and left after ordering Isak a cab and paying for it. _He doesn’t have enough money for a cab to the airport._

.

**Tokyo**

They said that time healed all wounds but it was a lie. And over a year later, Even was still incapable of moving on, still haunted by memories of soft curls on a Portuguese beach, of dimples while rolling around on white bedding, of sweet kisses on a French bridge. Even was a mess. He was a mess so he flew to Japan to find him.

And he did. He found him and he got him and his heart back. He had wasted so much time. So much _fucking_ time. So he kissed him and promised him that they would end up together.

.

**Oslo**.

Even wanted to come home but he was scared. He hadn’t seen his family in so long. The thought didn’t scare him as much as before, though.

_Copenhagen. Perhaps if I go, it will be easier to just go home._

But then Isak’s face went blank on Skype and everything changed.

Even booked the first flight from Lima to Oslo as soon as he heard from Sana. Nothing really mattered anymore but Isak. He picked up black clothes from the airport, rented an obnoxious car, and asked for directions to Grefsen church.

Even’s soul cracked when Isak broke down in his arms. _My baby. I’m so sorry._

So he stayed. He stayed and he did everything he could to make it easier for Isak. To help him with his grief. He did everything he could. And when Isak told him that he loved him, he felt it in his heart. _I love you, too. I’ve always loved you._

Even ran into his mother and it hurt so much. He couldn’t believe how relieved she was to see him. For the longest time, he believed he was doing the best thing for her and for everyone. But to see her and feel her shaking in his arms was a revelation. _I should have never run._

It was still awkward, still shaky, still fragile, but eating his mother’s food made him tear up. He hugged his father and left the house with a promise, that he would come back.

“Who was the young man you were with earlier?” his mom asked.

“He’s the man I love,” said Even.

It felt so good.

.

**Juba**

Even followed him to South Sudan because he had to. Because he would follow him to the ends of the Earth. And when he boarded the plane, he had no idea he would fall in love a second time and then a third. He had no idea his heart would swell at the sight of a disheveled and sweaty Isak furrowing his brows under the excruciating heat and saving lives and making a difference. He had no idea his heart would burst seeing Isak so strong and so kind and so dedicated.

He had no idea a little girl would steal his heart and soul and make all of his being ache to protect and cherish her. He had no idea.

South Sudan changed Even because he was so convinced that the world wasn’t cruel. For the longest time, he preached that idea to everyone. _The world is not that cruel._ But it was. And if it wasn’t for Isak and his desire to engage in humanitarian efforts, Even would have never known what so many people in the world went through on a daily basis.

South Sudan broke his spirit because he had never been exposed to so much loss and horror. He had never felt so entitled and privileged in his life. His life which he had taken for granted for the longest time. Even was broken and he was tired and restless and he needed to protect Ayak with his life. Sweet Ayak who smiled so wide and followed him everywhere and laughed for the longest time simply from getting her nose booped.

Even’s heart was bursting with love for this little girl who deserved so much better from the universe, for this little girl who fell asleep on his chest and who wrapped her fingers around his thumb and who started picking up some of his tics, like tilting her head to the side when she smiled.

Athieng said a few words that stayed with him forever. “You look nothing alike but you look so alike at the same time.”

Even wanted to protect her with his life. And he was going to.

The sweet descent into madness was the most beautiful nightmare. Even found beauty in everything. He had the best ideas. He drove himself into an episode with arms wide open and with the widest smile on his face. It was the most beautiful car crash and he was nowhere near ready. Isak was a dream, his knight in a shining armor and Ayak was the sweetest thing. _I will file paperwork for Nyaring, too._

Even’s heart broke and he lost everything. He wasn’t taking Ayak and Nyaring home, and he embarrassed himself in front of Isak and all of UNHCR. Isak was probably staying behind and doing great things while he was being sent back to London. Even was going to be all alone again, and perhaps it was for the better. He had ruined his life enough. Perhaps it was time to leave him alone.

But Isak came with him to London and held him and loved him and it was too much. He didn’t deserve any of this. He didn’t deserve an ounce of Isak’s love.

.

**The World**

Even hadn’t fallen into despair this hard in the longest time, and he wasn’t coping very well. But at least he had Isak. Isak who was so strong for him. Isak who was just as crushed, just as down but who did his best for him.

They were so good for each other. Isak and Even. Even and Isak. Isak was his rock, and while he knew all along that Isak was much stronger than he was, it still made his heart burst.

.

Even got better and it took him weeks to finally look at his camera roll. He had taken thousands of pictures of Isak and Ayak and Nyaring and Athieng and everyone. Ayak still got the most pictures though, and she was the easiest person to photograph. She was effortlessly photogenic, effortlessly beautiful. She was a natural. And Even smiled until he cried. _I really wanted to protect you. I really did. I’m sorry._

.

Even was feeling better but he was having the worst thoughts. They had moved back to Oslo and Isak was his rock, his partner. But Even still couldn’t help but feel like a liability. He still felt like he failed Isak and Ayak and everyone. _If only I wasn’t sick in the head._

.

Even’s parents adored Isak and he couldn’t blame them. He was so precious, so smart, so kind. He showed them pictures of Ayak and told stories of their time in South Sudan, only happy stories though, only happy stories. Even’s mother was enamored with Isak and she started inviting them over all the time.

She even started visiting Isak at the hospital without telling Even which made him worried at first given that Isak was still grieving the loss of his own mother. But Isak didn’t mind.

“I love it. I love her,” said Isak. “I really do.”

It made Even’s heart swell.

.

They kept in touch with Athieng through e-mail, and Isak showed up to his work one day with tears nearly spilling off the corner of his eyes.

“What is it?” said Even, panicking.

“The professor. It’s the professor!” Isak panted.

It turned out that the professor Isak was so awestruck by had arranged something for him, for them: a simple skype call. Isak waved at the camera and Even burst into tears when he saw her. _Ayak._

She looked so beautiful, so confused, so ethereal. She was touching the screen. She was trying to touch them. And _gosh,_ they were both crying now. Both crying in a conference room in Even’s office building.

The call didn’t last long but they held each other for the longest time.

“It’s all my fault. It’s because I went crazy,” said Even.

Isak held him tight, so tight. He was truly his home.

“It’s not your fault. One day, we will get her back. I promise.”

.

Even knew that Isak kept his promises. He knew how hardworking and great he was. He knew he could do anything. But this was impossible. He had never heard of a case that got approved after initially getting rejected. He had never heard of someone mentally ill getting approved for adoption under similar circumstances. And even if they did, it was going to be too late. Ayak would have trouble picking up Norwegian and getting integrated in society. Their chances were very slim, and most adoptions were for younger kids.

Even lost all hope.

.

Even realized the most heartbreaking thing one night with Isak fast asleep in his arms: he was never going to be approved.

Even was never going to be a dad. His case would always get rejected because of his bipolar. He had the worst application file, too. He had tried to take his life twice, he wasn’t in the country for years, he had ended up at the police station several times, and he hastily applied to adopt two kids. There was no way he would ever get approved. Even was never going to be a dad.

It wasn’t fair. It was so unfair, and not only to him but also to Isak. _Isak._ They never even had a conversation about it. Even had just decided to adopt Ayak when he was manic and they never talked about these things. Isak was ride or die but he couldn’t do this to him. He didn’t know if Isak wanted to spend the rest of his life with him, but it wouldn’t be fair to him.

.

“So like, when’s the wedding bro?” said Magnus, one evening in Jakob’s apartment. He was throwing a housewarming party. He had just gotten engaged to a nice boy he met in the emergency room.

“What?!” said Even.

“When are you putting a ring on it?”

“Mags, seriously,” Jonas shook his head.

“What? They’ve been together for ages. What are you waiting for?” said Magnus.

“Uh. I-”

“You know he’ll say yes, right?”

“Magnus-”

“I’m just saying,” Magnus shrugged.

.

Even couldn’t sleep that night. He hadn’t realized that people expected them to get married, to spend the rest of their lives together. He was buying himself time, but until when?

“You’re not thinking about leaving me, are you?” said Isak one night on their couch while they were watching a reality show on TV.

“What?!” said Even, his eyes going wide.

“My event at the hospital tomorrow. They said bring your partner and you’re not allowed to bail in the middle of the thing and leave me hanging,” said Isak.

_Oh._

“Oh.”

.

Even wasn’t thinking about leaving Isak. He wasn’t thinking about it because he knew that _Isak_ would leave _him_ eventually. It would wear off eventually. Eventually, Isak would realize that he wanted more, that he wanted a real family, and he would leave him. Until then, Even would savor every moment, even though his heart hurt, even though everything hurt, he would enjoy every single second.

.

“We should travel. Go somewhere,” said Isak.

“Hm?”

“We haven’t been anywhere in more than a year.”

“Where do you want to go?” said Even.

“Anywhere.”

.

Isak’s vacation time was very limited now that he worked at the hospital full time. So Even suggested taking it slow so that he could rest. But Isak didn’t want to take it slow. He wanted to visit the most countries they could visit in two weeks.

“Why?”

“I just want to do a lot of stuff with you,” said Isak with the fondest smile and the sweetest kiss.

_He’s going to leave me._

.

They went to Bali and Isak looked so beautiful with his bright smile and sun-kissed skin. Isak was a dream. Isak never stopped being a dream even after eight years. They swam and visited temples and did everything there was to do. Even was happy. He was so happy but something at the back of his mind told him that this was it. This was probably their last trip.

They walked for the longest time, and Even picked up a Franjipani flower and tucked it behind Isak’s ear, making him blush and look five years younger.

Even cupped his face and smiled because Isak only ever made him want to smile.

“What’s going on, baby?” said Isak.

“You’re the most beautiful thing in my life,” said Even, tilting his head to the side and smiling although it hurt.

Isak smiled right back and hugged him until they were one.

_He’s going to leave me. This is it._

.

“Let’s go back to Tokyo,” said Even.

“Huh? Why?”

“I don’t know. I can’t get over the fact that we didn’t have sex in a love hotel there.”

“Ugh,” Isak shoved him. “I thought you were gonna say something about how much it meant to you when we were there.”

_I was going to. I really was._

.

They flew to Tokyo and threw money out of the window. Isak wasn’t a reckless spender but there he was, making sure that everything was perfect and as extravagant as possible.

_He’s going to leave me._

Isak was becoming nervous around Even. That he could tell now. And it broke his heart. He knew that Isak loved him. He knew it. But he couldn’t blame him for wanting more for himself. Isak was going to break up with him and it was only a matter of time now. Even was going to make the most out of every second.

.

They checked into the love hotel while giggling and Isak pulled him by his shirt and kissed his jaw in the elevator.

“Someone’s eager,” said Even, laughing.

“We’re gonna fuck in a love hotel. Of course, I’m eager baby.”

.

They took each other’s clothes off while laughing at the ridiculousness of it all. Even kissed his torso and got on his knees and everything went so well, so damn well, until he had Isak on his back looking broken and full of doubts.

_He’s going to leave me._

“Baby,” Isak whispered, his arms locked around Even’s neck, his eyes droopy, his lips parted and pink, so pink.

“Yes?”

“Make love to me.”

“Okay.”

.

Even thought he wouldn’t get overwhelmed but he was wrong. His chest was collapsing and he was so crushed. He could never live without Isak. He didn’t know how he would live without him. It was impossible. He wanted to cry. He wanted to cry right there inside Isak, with his legs wrapped around his waist and his nails in his back. Even wanted to cry because he wanted to be selfless, he really did. But how could he ever live without Isak?

He was on the verge of tears and Isak was kissing him and whimpering in his arms and asking for more, always more.

“I love you,” Even panted. “I will always love you.”

“Even-”

“I’m sorry-”

.

They slept with their backs turned to each other that night and it hurt.

_He’s going to leave me._

.

They went to Seoul because Even read it was one of the most romantic cities in the world. And it was. They walked along the Han River and did everything their tourist guide suggested. They ate food they couldn’t pronounce and picked dishes at random in restaurants.

Isak had sauce all over his face and Even reached out and wiped it every time, both of them smiling.

“I love you,” said Isak, every single time.

“I love you, too.”

“No matter what,” said Isak.

“No matter what.”

_He’s going to leave me._

.

They went to Gyeongbokgung and Changdeokgung. They walked around Myeong-dong and bought the most random things. They even went up the Namsan tower. Seoul kept them busy. Seoul kept Even busy but he still knew. _This is the end._

.

Even had just gotten back from the bathroom at National Museum of Korea when he caught Isak speaking Norwegian on the phone.

“Someone called?” said Even, making Isak turn around and look like a deer caught in headlights.

“Oh,” said Isak. “It’s, uh, no one. Just uh. Jonas.”

“onas?”

“Yeah.”

“Tell him I said hi,” said Even.

He tried to ignore the fact that Jonas was also traveling on the other side of the world and that he was probably sleeping right now. _He’s going to leave me._

.

Isak started disappearing and taking long phone calls, and Even couldn’t take it anymore. He didn’t know what to think. Everything hurt, but he smiled through all of it. _It’s probably hard for him, too._

.

“Babe,” said Isak later that night in their hotel room.

“Hm?”

“You know I love you, right?”

“Yes,” said Even. He did. He knew that.  

“I’m proud of you and everything that you are.”

“Uh-”

“You’re the best thing in my life,” said Isak.

_Is he leaving me._

“I’m-,” said Even.

.

“Do you still think about Ayak a lot?” said Isak.

“Every day,” said Even.

“Me too.”

“Any news from Athieng?”

“They’re still in the camp in Ethiopia,” said Isak.

“Okay.”

.

“I feel like it’s all my fault,” said Even.

“What?”

“I failed her so hard. I wonder if she and Nyaring will ever get the family and life they deserve.”

“Even, it’s not your fault and I’m sure they will,” said Isak.

“You don’t know that.”

“I do,” said Isak. “And no matter what happens. I’m proud to call you mine. I’m proud of us.”

.

Even couldn’t sleep. He was so confused and so crushed. They were flying to Italy before heading back to Oslo. And Even was so lost.

.

Venise was good for his soul, and so was Florence. The jetlag was getting to them but they still did everything they set out to do. Even took pictures and kissed Isak everywhere, and Isak melted into his touch everywhere. They spent their third day in the hotel room having sex for hours. Even couldn’t get enough. He couldn’t bear the thought of never touching him like this again. Of never seeing him like this again. All wrecked and vulnerable and beautiful.

They even took the obligatory silly picture with the Leaning Tower of Pisa and made out on the grass for an hour.

_Isak. His sweet and loving Isak._

.

“Let’s go to Vienna,” said Isak.

“What?”

“Please.”

“Isak, we already booked our flight back to Oslo from Rome,” said Even.

“Who cares? Let’s just change it.”

.

Vienna was their city. Vienna was when they finally became one. When Even showed him just how much love he carried for him in his heart. Vienna was where Even bared his soul to Isak. Where he showed him his favorite painting and confessed that they were lovers. Vienna was the beginning. Vienna was going to be the end.

Even started crying at the airport with Isak sleeping on his shoulder. He couldn’t handle it anymore.

* * *

**Mom**

**14:19**

I think Isak is going to leave me

I don’t know what to do

I don’t know who else to turn to

I’m terrified

My sweet son

Why would you think that?

Because I will never be normal

I will never give him the life he deserves

I don’t deserve him

You deserve the whole universe Even

And Isak knows that

He won’t leave you

He’s fighting so hard for you

What?

I’m so happy you found someone who loves you as much as we do

* * *

Isak started tearing up the moment they entered the Belvedere museum in Vienna, and frankly Even was about to break.

Isak was leading them to the Klimt painting, _The Kiss_. He knew it.

_God. Don’t leave me._

Even was going to fight for them. He was about to make a case. He had an entire speech in his head.

_We have to be together. We will figure it out. Give me a chance and I will prove to you that I am worthy of you. We have to be together. Don’t leave me._

He grabbed Isak’s hand ever so gently and he was about to pour his heart out when Isak got a phone call. His eyes had gotten wide, so wide, and he looked at Even with the most anxious expression. He took a step back and picked up the phone call.

_What’s going on?_

“Hello? Yes. It’s me. How are you?” said Isak on the phone, holding Even’s hand so tight and nearly leaving bruises.

Even felt completely lost when he realized that Isak was talking to his mother.

_What?! Why is my mom calling you?_

Isak was shaking and the tears in his eyes finally rolled down his cheeks and Even wanted to wipe them away, so he did, instinctively. He just did.

“Okay. Thank you. He’s with me, yes. I’ll tell him,” said Isak. “Thank you so much! So damn much!”

Isak hung up and stared into Even’s soul.

“Isak?!”

“You know. This is where I knew I would be yours forever,” said Isak, with big fat tears rolling down his cheeks.

“What?”

“I brought you here because I was hoping you would feel the same,” said Isak.

“What are you talking about?” said Even, his hands cupping Isak’s face and his thumb brushing the tears away.

“Timing is a bitch but I’m so fucking happy right now,” said Isak, bringing his own hands to cover Even’s.

“Baby, I don’t-”

“I was going to ask to marry me,” Isak blurted out, smiling through his tears. “Gosh, I’ve been trying to ask you since we started our trip and I was freaking the fuck out.”

“Uh-” Even’s eyes were wide, so wide, and he couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t _fucking_ breathe.

“And the moment I finally decide to just say it, this happens,” said Isak.

Even had no words because he didn’t know how to process any of this. He was going to at least try and ask about the phone call. He was going to at least try. But then Isak pressed their lips together and Even forgot his own name.

“Forgive me,” said Isak.

“What?”

“She didn’t have much time. There was no way I was getting approved with my crazy work hours and we’re not even married and-”

“Isak-”

“There was no other way. She’s almost seven years old now. And I had to do something you know?” Isak choked up. “And you know how I was always showing pictures of her to your parents and your mom just really really wanted to do something and then one thing led to another and then the social worker showed up and I just-”

Isak wasn’t even breathing. He was just rambling and shaking and Even had no idea what anything meant anymore.

“We got her. We got Ayak,” said Isak. “They got her.”

Even started bawling the moment Isak said her name. He just broke down.

“We fought for her really hard. Your parents are older than 45, so it was really tough but they had better chances than us. I was so fucking terrified of you getting angry at me. I was so scared but then I remembered that you just want her to be safe. That’s all you want and that’s all I want too.”

Even wasn’t breathing anymore, he just weeped because he couldn’t believe this.

“I’m sorry we didn’t tell you. I just didn’t didn’t want you to be crushed again if we didn’t get her,” said Isak. “And I know it’s fucking weird now because your parents will adopt her instead but we can always take over later when we have a stronger file and we’re older and wiser and we communicate better and stuff. And we can get Nyaring, too. I feel like shit about Nyaring, gosh. But I’m sure we can get both of them. I just want them to be safe and-”

Isak stopped rambling probably because Even had crouched down and was crying so hard into his hands.

“Baby.”

“I can’t believe this. I can’t-”

Even felt himself crumble when Isak wrapped his arms around his shoulders and held him tight, so tight. And there they were, both of them sobbing on their knees at the Belvedere museum in front of Even’s now fourth favorite work of art.

* * *

"I thought you were going to leave me," said Even. "I was convinced you were going to leave me."

"What the fuck?"

"Because I would leave me if I were you," said Even.

"That's not true."

"My past will follow me forever. I can't take it back."

"And that's okay. Your scars made you who you are. Your struggles made you kind," said Isak.

"You can't use that in court."

"Yes, you can. I'm sure that any social worker would fall in love with you after spending an afternoon in our apartment," said Isak, smiling.

"I hope you're right," said Even.

"Well. I hope I'm not too right. You know I get jealous," said Isak, winking, and  _gosh_ he was terrible at it.

"You're terrible at winking."

"Excuse me? You're the absolute worst at winking," said Isak.

"How am I the worst?"

"I'm 200% you've never seen yourself wink."

"I'm glad we're back on the let's make fun of Even's physique train. All this angst has been getting to me," said Even.

"I never made fun of your physique!" Isak scoffed, getting off the bed and walking over to Even on the small couch in their airbnb. "I love your physique. Look I'm sitting on your lap now."

"I like this," said Even.

"I know something else you might like."

"Hm?"

"Celebratory 'the little girl we wanted to adopt is now going to be your sister technically' sex," said Isak.

"You're the worst," said Even, laughing until his stomach hurt. "Oh my god."

"You mean the best."

"Yeah," said Even, leaning in to press their lips together, then breaking the kiss as soon as Isak started moaning against his mouth. "It's all good though, you know, since some people think we're twins."

"Shut up!" Isak shoved him, giggling. 

"What?"

"Even, do you want to sit on your own dick tonight or what?"

"Fine!" 

.

"I told my mom I thought you were leaving me," said Even, with Isak still panting on his lap, both of them naked and sweaty and gross on the couch.

"You WHAT?"

"I'm sorry. I just. All my friends are actually your friends so I didn't know who to tell."

"Jesus, Even," Isak sighed.

"Well, to be honest you hid the fact that you were trying to adopt my child with my parents, so."

"Oh gosh, you're gonna hold this against me forever. Aren't you?"

"Maybe," said Even, beaming, right before pressing a kiss to his neck. "Love this position by the way."

"Ugh."

.

"You need new friends. Other friends," said Isak.

"I'm good with the ones I have right now."

"How about you answer Sana's husband's texts, huh?" 

"What?"

"Do it."

"No!" Even scoffed

"Weren't you friends in high school or something?"

* * *

**Yousef**

**18:19**

hello

Hi! wow!

How are you?

I'm good thank you

How are you?

I'm doing great!

It's been ages

Sorry for not answering you earlier

It's all good

How's Sana?

She's good

:)

How is Isak?

He's good

You guys just got back from vacation right?

Yes

Awesome

Sana and I are going to Turkey next week

Sounds great

Yeah :)

So any news?

uh yeah actually

We're adopting a little girl :)

WHAT?

SERIOUSLY????

Holy shit!!!

COngraats!

I mean on paper she won't be ours but yeah

What?

Nevermind haha

That's so awesome! Congrats

Thanks

What's her name?

Ayak

lol

what?

Wait seriously?

?????

Ayak means foot in Turkish

Wat????

you didn't know that?

no

How many turks are there in Norway

Wait I can google that

15 THOUSAND??

bro...

ohmygod

my child is NOT getting bullied

it's chill. i don't think she'll get bullied

oh my god!

* * *

 

"Isak. Kids are mean these days," said Even.

"Even, she hasn't even gotten here yet," said Isak.

"But-"

"Let's take it slow okay? Minute by minute."

"Okay," Even pouted. 

.

Isak and Even went back to Norway and Even cried in his mother's arms because he was so grateful. 

"I'm so sorry," said Even.

"We have failed you once," said his mom. "This is for you, for Isak, and for the little girl."

"Thank you."

.

"Isak, are you okay?" said Even. "You look like you're about to faint."

"Well excuse me but she's gonna come through that door any second now," said Isak. "Like what if she doesn't remember me? She spent most of her time with you."

They were at the airport with his parents waiting for Ayak.

"Of course she will remember you," said Even, rubbing his hand on Isak's shoulder.  _Isak._

Isak was the strongest person Even knew. He also had the biggest heart and he didn't even know it. Sometimes, he worried that Isak only did this for Even, that he didn't really want to embark on this journey with him. Sometimes, he worried. But seeing him now at the Arrivals section of the airport, on the verge of tears, his body shaking, Even realized that Isak was simply very strong. He handled his emotions better than him. He really wanted Ayak. He really wanted Nyaring. This wasn't for Even. This was for all of them. 

So he wasn't surprised when Isak nearly tripped when he saw her. _Gosh,_ he was going to cry. They both were. Even was about to walk towards her and pick her up when he saw Isak crouching down and opening his arms big and wide with tears all over his face.  _My heart._

Ayak ran into Isak's open arms, and Even cried, and Isak cried, and everybody cried, and it was the happiest Even had ever felt in an airport.

* * *

Magnus

17:13

I need your help

EVEENN

haha

what's up

send me pics

of the little princess *-*

i will

i need your help first though

??? 

I'm gonna put a ring on it

* * *

 

 

When they traveled again, it was for their wedding and Ayak stole the show and everyone's hearts. When they traveled again, everything was perfect except for one thing: they still didn't have Nyaring.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are almost at the end <33  
> thank you so much for reading this story. hope this made you feel something. anything.  
> Isak loves Even so much. so damn much. he'd move mountains for him. these two boys just want to give the two kids a better life. it doesn't matter how. they just want to take them away from the horror.  
> isak and even don't communicate very well because they're so scared. but they're getting there.
> 
> jakob got his happy ending!!11!! 
> 
> Comments are always appreciated <3 thank you and i hope you stick around for the last chapters *hugsss*  
> Song for this chapter: Novo Amor - Alps


	11. The Universe: Home Is Wherever I'm With You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What if we never make it home?"
> 
> ft. a wedding, a beach, surgeon Isak, humanitarian Even, family, hitchhiking, and love, lots of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i can't believe that it's been actual months.  
> i'm very sorry this last update took forever. I hope some of you are still interested in reading the end of this story. I'm finally wrapping up all my other verses. so here it is. the end <3  
> this fic started out in a place and ended up in a completely different one. but i hope you like it.

**Before**

Isak stopped in front of room 178. A little boy with round sunglasses that were too large for his face was currently occupying it while he recovered from an appendectomy. His mother was by his bed, both arms folded by the edge, her tousled blond hair resting on top of them, her deep breaths matching her son’s. 

They were both asleep, both in sync. And Isak stopped shuffling to take them in. Mother and son. Family. His heart pinched a little. He wondered if he ever created such a picture with his own mother, if she ever nursed him when he was sick. He couldn't remember. He wondered if he looked like that with Ayak when he fell asleep by her bed after reading her a story. He knew that Ayak and Even did from the countless times he’d walked into her room and found both of them asleep. But he wondered if he and Ayak ever did, if their breaths matched, if they looked like family. 

The surgery itself had gone by without any complications, his attending having actually let him do most of it. Isak had developed somewhat of a reputation among his intern class and later on as a resident. He was extremely meticulous and methodical, and nothing could ever break his focus and calm in the operating room. Some, however, called him cold, detached, harsh, as he sometimes failed to exhibit emotions when patients lost their lives under his scalpel’s ministrations. 

After Juba, Isak’s heart had somehow gotten worn out after all. Tears no longer came to gather around the corners of his eyes when a heart stuttered to a halt on his operating table. He no longer felt choked up at the thought of failing to save someone’s life. He no longer remembered patients’ names—although he had consciously stopped trying to as it just made everything harder and clouded his judgement in stressful settings. 

Therefore Isak was considered heartless by his peers, heartless and cold and arrogant, despite smiling and being as kind as he possibly could. They had started taking offense in him rejecting their offers to grab a drink after particularly long shifts. And he never felt like explaining that he had a partner who ached for him at home and an actual little girl to care for. It mended his heart, however, to know that he was actually appreciated by the nurses and the non-surgical staff.

His training in operating under excruciating circumstances also carried perks, however, for Isak thought of routine surgeries as child’s play now. He was also the first one paged to assist with traumas. He was on the track that he had paved for himself. And if people thought he was cold, then be it. 

The surgery he had just completed had been a laparoscopy too, so Isak expected the little boy to recover fairly quickly. 

_ David,  _ he reminded himself. The child’s name was David. 

Isak tried with kids. Kids were the exception to his rule. He said their names over and over again before scrubbing in, because it was what he would wish for if Ayak were to ever find herself in an operating room, for the surgeon to know her name. 

He was checking David’s vitals when a nurse, Vegard, came into the room looking for him. 

“You could just page me if I’m needed, you know,” said Isak as soon as he closed the door behind him.

“Don’t know what the protocol is for letting you know that your husband’s here,” Vegard grinned, looking smug. He loved teasing Isak about Even.

“Boyfriend,” Isak corrected him. “Partner.”

“You have a child together. He’s your husband.”

Isak shook his head then put his tablet away. He didn’t wish to get into this. He kept delaying it, telling everyone that Ayak was actually Even’s parents’ legal daughter, not their own. He hadn’t even told Jonas or Eva. They all just assumed she was theirs after Even made sure to post it all over social media. He even created a blog dedicated to her and documented all of her firsts for a few handful eager followers.

Isak had been so busy simply being happy that Ayak was here with them, that he hadn’t stopped to think about what the arrangement meant for him. Even was legally—and strangely—Ayak’s older brother while Isak was nothing. They weren’t related at all on paper. He was nothing to her and she was nothing to him. And while he had originally walked into the deal with that knowledge in mind, he hadn’t quite expected the insecurities it eventually awoke in him, for ultimately, he had no legal say in Ayak’s life. She lived under his roof, but he wasn’t her primary caregiver. He didn’t have a say in which school she attended or which extracurricular activities she took part of. He was consulted, of course, his input carrying somewhat of a weight. But Isak knew that it didn’t bear any, for ultimately if Even’s parents disagreed with his choices, he wouldn't have much of a say.

It ate at him, slowly but surely, an affliction under his skin.

“I told you to stop doing this,” Isak rolled his eyes as soon as he spotted Even by the non-surgical staff’s lounge with coffee carriers, pastries, and a blinding smile. 

“Doing what?” Even beamed, raising his eyebrows before leaning for a quick kiss. 

They did this now. Kiss in Isak’s workplace. They had a daughter together. It was allowed.

“Seducing my colleagues,” Isak replied then took the coffee carrier off Even’s hand to place it on the counter.

“Seducing, huh?” 

Isak smiled before dragging Even away by the hand, entwining their fingers and feeling warmth settle in both of their chests. He rose his other hand to dismiss the whistles and cooing behind them. Sometimes, he hated the fact that the entire hospital knew what they did when Even showed up out of the blue with coffee and treats in the middle of the day, but today he didn’t mind. 

They walked to their spot, an old on-call room no longer used, and they undressed before Even could place a word. 

“Eager, are we?” 

“What? Did you come here to talk or something?” Isak teased.

“Yeah, actually.” 

Isak’s breath hitched in his throat.  _ Is this it.  _ He couldn’t help but wonder whenever Even got too serious.  _ Is he going to ask me to marry him.  _

Isak had been planning to ask him himself before they got Ayak back, before all of this. And he was going to try again. But one night after one too many beers, Magnus blurted out that Even was planning something and Isak took a step back. He went from planning to waiting. That was months ago. And still, nothing. 

Isak wondered if Even changed his mind, and his insecurities about Ayak certainly didn’t help. They would at least be related if Even and he were to get married. But he didn’t know if it was fair to make it about that, to hold a big celebration that went against everything he had believed in his life just so that he could stop being so incredibly insecure about Ayak. He had never been a fan of the institution of marriage in the first place. It was just a piece of paper formalizing a rarely kept promise of forever. Isak could keep promises without pieces of paper. And forever was too much pressure anyway. 

Still, he had warmed himself up to the idea when they were in the process of getting Ayak. But he was growing cold again. Everything was cold, his heart, his hands, his mind, his body, everything. Everything was cold except for when Even kissed his skin, his knuckles, the palms of his hands, his knees, his eyelids, setting him on fire everywhere he could bend.   

“You’re loud,” Even whispered as he trailed his chest with wet and loud kisses. “Stop thinking.”

“Well, make me,” Isak breathed against his jaw.

Even made him. He made him stop. He made him halt and take a deep breath while bending him over an old bed no one used for actual naps anymore. His mid-day visits at the hospital had increased lately too. Perhaps it was because it felt inadequate to have sex in their apartment now that Ayak sat at the kitchen table against which they used to mount each other and had her baths in the bathroom where they used to sink into one another. It all felt inadequate. They couldn’t even moan and be obnoxious anymore. Not that Isak minded. Ayak was nothing but a dream and they could have sex elsewhere. 

It spiced things up, too. Looking for places to claim each other like horny teenagers who couldn’t do it in either of their homes, too scared of getting caught by their parents. But he missed it, sometimes. Feeling like a teenager, being reckless and dumb and hopeless and aimless and carefree and hopeful all the same. 

“You’re so fucking hot,” Isak moaned into Even’s open mouth while he pressed inside him over and over again. And it was liberating. Dirty but liberating. He knew that Even needed to hear this, needed to know this, that he made Isak weak in the knees, that he made his joints ache and his heart swell when he burrowed deep inside him. “Harder. Even, please! Fuck!”

.

“And you wonder why people at the hospital think we’re freaks in bed,” Even teased him as he cleaned both of them up. 

“Says the guy who sounds like he’s going through an exorcism every time he comes,” Isak tittered, bending over to grab his scrubs off the floor, Even still naked in front of him. 

“Rude.”

Isak surged forward as soon as his head fit into the shirt and pressed his lips against Even’s. It was a soft and earnest kiss, just lips against lips, a sweet post-sex kiss that bore no resemblance to the toothy and hungry ones they had exchanged just a few moments before that. Isak placed both hands on Even’s neck and felt his sweet and daring mouth open up against his. A shaky breath escaped Even’s throat and Isak reveled, smiling for it, accepting it, inhaling it, making room for it in his lungs. These were his favorite kisses, the ones that made Even gasp in surprise.

“I love you,” Isak said and he meant it. 

“I love you, too,” Even breathed, his eyes slowly fluttering open, dazed. “Like crazy.”

“Shut up.” 

“Make me.”

Isak considered it for a moment, but he had to go get prepped for another boring procedure and Even had to pick up Ayak from his parents’ anyway.

“I’m sure mom won’t mind keeping her for another hour.” 

“Hour?!” Isak scoffed, giggling now. “You think I’ll last an hour?” 

“Well, we’re gonna need some time getting  _ me  _ ready. We haven’t done that in a while.”

“How about you go spend a cozy hour in our bed and get yourself ready for me for later? I have a job you know.” 

“Lazy,” Even shook his head, feigning being offended, then reached for his clothes. “Lazy and disappointing.”

“Come here.”

They made out against the door because Even wouldn’t let him go, grabbing at him with his large hands, breathing down his neck, biting at his throat. This guy. As eager as when they were dumb teenagers in hostels all over Europe.

Even sent him interesting texts later. Texts suggesting that he had taken Isak’s proposition quite seriously. 

_ ‘Good boy’  _ Isak texted him back, to which Even replied with  _ ‘I love how you go from asking me to go harder to ‘good boy’. We’re so versatile, it’s crazy! Wow.’ _

_ ‘Shut up <3 how’s Ayak?’ _

_ ‘Frustrated with her homework. But she’s getting there <3’ _

.

Ayak took private lessons at Even’s parents’ home as she wasn’t quite ready to go to a school yet. She was brilliant at conceptual and analytical tasks, but she struggled with Norwegian and languages. It was what Isak had feared after all, that it would be too late for her to adapt and be immersed in their culture. It kept him up at night sometimes, the thought that their savior complex had actually gotten in the way of her success, that they had plucked her out of her environment and put her in a perpetual disadvantage everywhere she went. 

But Even and his parents didn’t share his views. They were proud, incessantly and unequivocally proud, praising her for every little thing she did and never pushing her. Even’s father somehow took over the blog dedicated to Ayak and flaunted every step she took, every little milestone she reached. 

And while Isak was proud too, he knew that it wasn’t enough, that life wasn’t an easy walk in the park. He couldn’t help but compare her to other kids, to himself when he was her age. He was growing delirious with it, the fear that she would get picked on if she ever joined an actual school, the fear that she would be viewed as lesser than the rest, the fear that she would be held back a couple of years, the fear that she would feel different. Isak hated it. It petrified him to think of Ayak, his girl, his baby, feeling singled out and later on blaming them for not pushing her harder. She needed to catch up faster. But he couldn’t say it. He had no say at all. 

“She’ll get it one day. I’m sure of it,” Even smiled as he kissed Isak’s neck while they both stood in their kitchen after putting Ayak to sleep. “I believe in her. I can see that she’s smart and nerdy just like her dad.”

_ Her dad.  _ Isak smiled back but kept his eyes on the floor. Even could read him like an open book and he didn’t wish for him to peer into his thoughts, not right now. It would hurt him too much. It would make him resent Isak. It would make him think that Isak was cold and harsh and that he valued the wrong things, that his thinking was toxic and that Ayak could fail every test she ever took, he would still love her and be proud of her all the same. Even would be disappointed in him if he were to know and Isak couldn’t bear that thought. 

“What’s wrong, baby?” Even asked with his index finger curled around Isak’s chin, lifting his face because he could tell. Even could always tell.

“Nothing. Just tired with work and stuff.” 

“Okay.”

.

They chatted with Athieng as much as they could and she sent them regular updates on Nyaring who looked bigger and bigger in each picture. Nyaring. It pained Isak to think of him, the little orphan boy, war’s very own child. 

_ He killed his mother, too.  _

This thought pained him the most because it was Isak who had killed Nyaring’s mother, not the child. It was Isak who had failed to save her. It was Isak who had stopped remembering names after losing her. It was all Isak. 

“Hey, hey, hey!” Even breathed, both hands on Isak’s shoulders, shaking him gently. “Isak, it was just a bad dream! Hey, look at me. Look at me, babe. Breathe with me, okay? Hey, focus on me. Focus on my voice. Look at me. Breathe, breathe, okay? Just breathe with me. Just try with me, Okay? Isak, Okay?”

.

It didn’t happen very often, Isak’s panic attacks in the middle of the night. Yet for some reason, Even was always prepared, always there to rock him back to sleep, to help him breathe, to hold his face in both hands and bore his eyes into his own, to whisper things like “breathe with me, angel. Breathe with me.”  _ Angel.  _ Who said that? It actually made Isak crack up once. He was struggling to breathe and Even still managed to make him laugh.  _ What’s wrong with me?  _

It wasn’t the first time Isak woke up drenched in sweat in the middle of the night with guilt roaming his chest. But this time, Isak decided to do something about it.

“We need to get Nyaring,” he said. “We need to get him back. It’s killing me to think that we’ve abandoned him. It’s killing me.”

Even nodded and Isak knew that Even’s guilt was far greater than his own. He knew that everything Even felt was magnified. Not because of his bipolar, but because of his gigantic heart. Isak knew that Even blamed himself for botching the adoption process back in Juba. He knew all of this. But he knew they could do this. Both of them.

The idea of ending up with two children in their twenties was nothing short of inconceivable a few years prior, but here they were. Here was Even, making him want to adopt an entire football team of children when he couldn’t even make pasta without burning down the kitchen. 

But it wasn’t as daunting as it sounded. Even’s parents still spent considerable amounts of time with Ayak, and it always felt as though she had four parents, maybe more, as their friends were just as enamored with her. 

And Isak didn’t think of it as giving up his youth, for he had done that already the moment he decided to become a surgeon. Isak didn’t wish to be reckless and carefree with a new set of lips on his throat every night for the remainder of his twenties, like some of his friends did. He didn’t wish to roam the streets aimlessly drunk on bad wine while carrying a sore and lonely heart around. He had done that when he was nineteen, and twenty, and twenty-one, and twenty-two. He had done his fair share of aimless wandering, of mad yearning, of shrouding his hopeless romanticism while desperately searching for a love greater than the universe could possibly fathom. He had done all of that. And he wished for nothing more in life than for things to remain the way they were. Isak didn’t miss ‘freedom’. There was nothing free about freedom.  

.

“You need to trust me this time, Isak,” Even said later as he lit up a cigarette in their bed. 

Even hadn’t smoked in a while, giving up on his vices the moment Ayak had crossed their threshold. But tonight felt somehow special, always special. 

“Hm?” Isak looked up from where he lay on Even’s chest, drawing lazy circles on his chest.

“With this stuff. With everything, really. I need you to trust me to handle shitty things.” 

Isak went a bit silent after that. He knew what Even was referring to. Ayak’s adoption and how he had kept the entire thing from him. They hadn’t really talked about that. It had ended up being the butt of many jokes in their banter, but they never really had a conversation about it.

Isak cleared his throat. 

“I love you for what you did for me, Isak. I love that you want to protect me and shield me and make sure I’m okay,” Even paused, took another drag. “But I also wish that you would start doing things  _ with  _ me and not  _ for  _ me.” 

“Even—”

“I don’t resent you. I could never resent you. This isn’t me telling you that I’m hurt over how you chose to handle the Ayak situation. This is me asking you to trust me next time, to trust me with my feelings and how I cope with pain. This is me asking you to not take my agency away from me next time, to not make me feel like I’m weak and impaired and like I’m a child you have to take care of. This is me asking you to see me as an equal. It’s all I ask of you.”

The wind was blowing outside of their window, the trees rustling, the night humming. Isak sat up and folded his hands over his lap. 

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled, his lips quivering a bit because he was overcome with exhaustion and emotion, because he knew that he had hurt Even by doing what he did. He knew. 

“Don’t be,” Even whispered, his fingers coming up to rest on Isak’s face, gentle against his skin, tender when they caught a handful of tears. “I know you wanted me to avoid being hurt. But it’s killing me to know that you were willing to bear all of that pain by yourself, you know? We’re a team. You should trust me with your pain like I trust you with mine. Okay?”

Isak nodded and his vision was blurry, his heart sore and burning. So when Even pulled him into a kiss, he closed his eyes and opened his mouth and let the tears spill and roll on his cheeks. He let them. He trusted Even with his pain. So he let him see.

.

Isak started spending his limited free time helping Ayak with her homework. He knew he was being somewhat conniving, but he pushed when they weren’t looking. He wasn’t awful or patronizing. If anything, she seemed to enjoy being challenged, being thrown curveballs. She liked Math and she was quite good at it. Numbers, simple additions and subtractions, logic, brain twisters. She was brilliant, and Isak actually started bragging about it at work. 

Comprehension and Norwegian were still a worry of his, but Even promised that he had it under control. 

“You’re the nerd parent. You stick to science and math and leave the arts and literature to me,” he said.

“But-”

“Do you doubt me? Are you saying I suck at Norwegian?” Even pointed at himself with a teasing smile. 

“Fine!” Isak rolled his eyes. 

Their TV was always playing cartoons and TV programs for children, and Ayak was constantly listening to conversations and being prompted to participate in many. Isak’s friends were helping out, too. Eva, Sana, Jonas, Vilde, Noora, Eskild, Magnus, Mahdi, Yousef. They all showed up to their apartment to babysit or simply chat with Ayak when they had a chance. 

She needed to be exposed to as much language as possible, and although she still struggled with words, she was quite great at understanding speech. Isak couldn’t believe how fast she was learning and adapting. But then again, there was nothing more powerful and prone to learning than a child’s brain. 

His heart couldn’t help but shrink when he thought of Nyaring, however. Nyaring who was under Athieng’s caregiving, but who wasn’t as privileged as Ayak. 

.

Days were blending in together and time flew by. Ayak was growing bigger and burgeoning into the most adorable child. Her speech had improved dramatically as she could actually hold snarky conversations with Magnus. Her writing was still a work in progress, but Jakob assured Isak that all children her age had ‘crappy handwriting’ as he had several younger siblings.

Isak and Even both smiled and cheered when Athieng told them that she adopted Nyaring on Skype, then they leaned against each other and closed their eyes when they realized that they had to withdraw their case. 

“We lost him,” Isak whispered.

“We lost him.”

“He’s gonna be fine. Athieng has been with him since he was born.”

“He’s gonna be fine.”

.

Isak wasn’t fine so he distracted himself by hustling into as many surgeries as possible. Work took his mind off of things. It grounded him, kept him anchored and focused. It allowed him to stop thinking about his own life. The moment the scalpel was placed into his hand, he simply stopped being Isak. He was a surgeon, and a damn good one.

He often overheard conversations he wished he’d be kept out of. But it was okay. His colleagues’ general dislike for him wasn’t something he could control or assuage. And he figured that if he left them alone and kept his interactions with them strictly professional he would be fine. He woke up every morning and decided that he wouldn’t let anyone’s misinformed opinion of him hurt him or ruin his day, but he often failed. Sometimes, he simply wished he could ask why he had ended up as the outcast, why these people who claimed to be adults spoke badly of him in their free time as if he deserved it, why they made him feel as though he had done something terrible to them. 

.

“What’s up with you?” Jonas asked him over a pint of beer later.

“What do you mean? I’m fine,” Isak shrugged.

“I’ve known you long enough to know that that’s bullshit.”

“You’ve also known me long enough to know I’m not gonna spill.”

“I’m here if you want to talk about it.” 

“I know, Jonas. I know.”

They drank some more until Jonas spoke his mind.

“Your colleagues are pricks,” he said while twisting his mouth. “They act like they’re still in high school.”

“We’re still in high school, Jonas. We never really leave high school.”

“You’re right,” Jonas sighed.

.

“They’re jealous of you and of your power, you know?” Even told him one night when he came to pick him up at the hospital. They were in the locker room while Isak packed his bag and they had just overheard a few people snicker around them. 

“Can we talk about this later?” Isak whispered as he gestured to Olivia, a fellow resident, with his eyes. 

“I want to talk about it now,” said Even, speaking a bit louder as if he wanted to make himself heard. 

“Even—”

“People tend to gang up when they’re scared or insecure, you know. They tend to gang up and spew mean things out of fear. Then they do their best to justify their meanness by making the people they’re scared and jealous of feel like they did something wrong, like they deserve it. That hatred later becomes addictive. They laugh about it in their little groups, acting like they’re sneaky and funny and hilarious while making people who aren’t in their group feel left out and insecure. But they don’t realize that it just makes them look like foolish hyenas, like sad beings with no aspirations of their own.”

“Even, stop—”

“And you know what? I’m going to use one of Magnus’ lame memes, but you’re doing amazing sweetie,” Even smiled, grabbing Isak’s face to caress it, his eyes blue and big and warm. “Make them seethe with your kindness and your brilliance. Make them seethe. Because at the end of the day, you are still the greatest, still the best. And them? Well they’re still not even close.”

“You’re so dramatic,” Isak groaned but his heart was bursting. He wished he could cry. 

“I’m just trying to make you see that you’re a force of nature and they’re all scared of you. I’d embrace it if I were you. It’s human nature to seek numbers when there’s a threat on the horizon after all.”

“Even, I’m not a virus in some sort of apocalyptic world,” Isak rolled his eyes. 

“Ugh! What a sweet virus you would make,” Even smiled that dumb smile of his as he pulled him closer in his arms, making Isak a bit shy, a bit weak in the knees. “I wouldn’t mind catching you. I wouldn’t mind you keeping me in bed for a few weeks.”

Even kissed him then and Isak couldn’t help the soft little moan that escaped his mouth, couldn’t help but melt against his locker door. He couldn’t quite help it.

_ Shit. _

He pushed Even away softly, with two of his fists on his chest, his lips still parted, his breaths shallow and hurried. He was probably blushing and he knew that he looked vulnerable. He knew it. Olivia sure had never seen him this way. 

“So pretty,” Even whispered before pecking him on the lips again. “Do you know how pretty you are?”

“God, stop!” Isak groaned before turning around to close his locker and hide his face from his colleagues.  

“Make me.” 

Even was going to cause his death one of these days.

.

Watching Ayak’s personality expand was perhaps Isak’s favorite thing lately. She was feisty and stubborn, but kind and generous. She threw tantrums every once in a while but she had incredible emotional intelligence. She seemed to always know when Isak was having a hard time at work, her fingers always curling around his pinky, as if to provide him with comfort she didn’t know how to articulate quite yet. 

Even’s chest was her favorite spot to take naps, and Isak couldn’t help but grin and snap a few pictures when he came home and found both of them fast asleep on the bed, his heart swelling. It did further some of his insecurities, Ayak preferring Even, being more Even’s than she could ever be his. But it was okay, because who wouldn’t prefer Even. Even with his big heart and his warm smile and his tendency to give up the world and move mountains for those he loved. Even who understood every emotion she felt and every message she wished to convey without words. Even who understood her in ways Isak couldn’t even begin to comprehend. 

Isak wasn’t jealous. Isak was proud of both of them and life was good and kind to their little family. Isak may not have been related to her on paper, but she was his and he was hers. 

So when Ayak first called Even ‘Pappa’, Isak cheered and got his phone out and hugged them both, his heart bursting. And when she kept on calling Even ‘Pappa’, he smiled some more, his heart growing bigger and bigger. And when Magnus asked him why she didn’t extend Isak that same courtesy, he could almost feel it wither inside his chest, his heart. 

_ Because I’m nothing to her. And it’s okay. _

_. _

The truth was that Isak wasn’t really okay. He was feeling a bit down, a bit useless, a bit empty. He worked as a fulltime surgeon and averaged around four hours of sleep a night, yet got called ‘cold and heartless’ for distancing himself from patients due to a trauma he couldn’t possibly talk about. He had a beautiful daughter named Ayak who shined bright like the sun but who wasn’t related to him at all, who held his hand when he needed it but who called him by his name, who called him ‘Isak’. He had failed to get the other child whose mother he couldn’t save and he couldn’t help but feel like it was his fault. He lived with his boyfriend of several years—his boyfriend who had made him chase him around the globe for what felt like an eternity—and waited for a marriage proposal despite acting like he never wanted one. 

Isak felt a bit empty, a bit down, a bit contrary. 

But life was good. Life was great. Who was he to complain. And if he stopped in front of a therapist’s door a few times a day before storming away, then no one had to know. 

.

Isak was sitting at the kitchen table after a long shift at the hospital when Ayak and Even came to find him in between giggles.

“What’s up? Did you make another funny drawing of me?” Isak smiled despite being exhausted. He loved the little dimples that popped on the sides of her cheeks. 

She shook her head as Even took a seat on one of the chairs and pulled her onto his lap, balancing her on his knee. She turned to give Even a look and he nodded at her as if to say ‘go on’.

“What is it, sweetheart?” Isak smiled, sitting a bit more upright when he noticed the blank piece of paper and crayons she was holding. “Do you want to draw something for me?”

“No,” she spoke softly. “I want to write.”

Isak’s eyes widened as he smiled bashfully at Even who just looked smug, as if he had planned this whole exchange with Ayak already. 

“She’s been practicing,” said Even, leaning in to press a kiss to her hair. 

Isak pulled his chair closer, running a hand through his own messy hair. 

“You can’t look,” she said as she extended her right hand and put it in Isak’s face. 

“Okay, alright,” he chuckled. “I will close my eyes. But tell me when you’re finished. Okay?”

“Okay.”

Isak closed his eyes, feeling a little bit giddy and proud already. Ayak was going to write him something, probably her own name. She had waited all day just to show him her progress. He couldn’t be happier. So he kept his eyes closed and listened to the crayons gliding through the piece of paper on their kitchen table, suddenly hyper aware of every sound around him. The trees rustling, the night chirping, the wind humming, Even’s heavy breathing.

_ Why does he sound so nervous? _

Isak was tempted to crack an eye open just to check on Even, just to tell him that it was okay if Ayak butchered her own name, that it was alright, that he was proud of her and of Even for spending so much time teaching her despite all the tutors. Isak was tempted, but he kept his eyes closed. 

Even’s hand found his knee and then his fingers, and Isak’s breaths had suddenly grown shallow, too. He could feel it, the love, the tension, the fear in Even’s fingers, for they grasped his own with so much force that Isak almost gasped. The touch softened, however. And soon, Even’s thumb was brushing against Isak’s knuckles, slow, steady, tender, like the night they rode from Prague to Vienna in a dark blue Skoda Octavia while his favorite song played on the radio.  _ Home is wherever I’m with you.  _ The night Even stole Isak’s heart for the rest of time. 

_ Even. _

“Open your eyes,” said Ayak and she sounded so pleased yet so nervous that Isak couldn’t help but keep his eyes closed a little longer, too scared, too—

“Pappa, open your eyes.”

Isak’s eyes shot open while blood rushed to his face, to his limbs, to his heart, choking him, submerging him. 

_ Pappa. Me! _

Even’s eyes were glistening with tears and Isak’s instantly welled up as well.

“What-”

“Read it,” said Ayak as she pushed the paper in front of Isak. “It’s a question.”

And there it was, in perfect child handwriting. 

**_‘Pappa, will you marry my Pappa?’_ **

Isak blinked at Even, then at Ayak, then at the rings placed on the table. One of them was Isak’s mother’s ring and the other was Even’s grandmother’s. Isak could recognize those rings anywhere. Isak knew those rings.

“Oh my god!” he gasped, his free hand coming up to cover his face while his other remained in Even’s.

“Is that a yes?” Even smiled but his eyes remained teary and beautiful.

“Is that a yes? Is that a yes? Is that a yes!?” Ayak jumped up and down on Even’s knee, clapping with the biggest grin on her face. “Yes! Yes! Yes!” 

It was a yes. And the sweet kiss they shared over Ayak’s head had her still clapping several hours later. 

.

“Mom? Yeah, uh, I have a favor to ask,” Even spoke on the phone while Isak cuddled with Ayak on the couch. “Yeah. I know it’s like last minute but I did it and I need you to come pick up Ayak for the night.”

“Even, what are you—” Isak frowned then got met by a hand gesture from Even asking him to wait.

“Yeah, I asked him to marry me,” Even laughed on the phone while Isak melted into the cushions. “Yeah, he said yes, can you believe it? Yeah— No, mom, I didn’t record it—No. He was going to kill me. Yes, I know. I know— No, you can’t talk to him right now, we’re in the middle of something. But, can you come? Please?”

Even turned to Isak again and gestured for him to cover Ayak’s ears.

“We need to have engagement sex, mom. And we can’t with Ayak here.”

“Even, oh my god!” Isak groaned, his hands still covering Ayak’s ears. 

“Mom, I really need you to come through for me right now. You can even see Isak and hug him and stuff.” 

.

“You’re an idiot,” Isak smiled once it was just the two of them, burrowing deep into their sheets, chest to chest, naked and blissful and happy.

“I’m an idiot,” Even laughed then pressed a kiss to Isaks’ nose.

“You waited until she learned how to write.”

“Yes, I did,” Even grinned, his hands coming up to Isak’s face, his thumb brushing his eyebrow softly. “I had to motivate myself to teach her fast and well.”

“You’re an idiot,” Isak smiled, feeling suddenly shy and small.

“You’re stuck with an idiot.”

“I’m stuck with you. I’m stuck with you.”

.

They didn’t get married right away. It took some planning and figuring out logistics. Besides, calling each other ‘fiancé’ had a nice ring to it. They were both busy, Isak drowning at work as always and Even dedicating incredible amounts of time to the ‘War Child’ organization which was dedicated to protecting children in war. 

He actually spent many days in Sweden now, because the organization didn’t have a Norwegian branch. The efforts of the non-profit centered around providing children with protection, access to education, psychological support, and vocational training. Even’s work was mainly focused on South Sudan, food security, and Accelerated Learning Programs that focused on making sure children could begin their formal education. He fought hard on incorporating art into the curriculum as he knew that it might make at least one child’s days brighter. And he eventually got to spearhead that movement and advise programs meant for other regions and countries. 

Isak was proud and his heart swelled whenever he spoke of Even and his work. The first time Even headed back to South Sudan, he nearly crumbled with nerves and anxiety and fear. But he came back to him in one piece, and he had even gotten to spend some time with Nyaring and Athieng. 

“We have to get married somewhere they don’t require a visa for South Sudanese citizens,” said Even as he kissed down his neck, slow and steady. They still couldn’t keep their hands off of each other, even days after Even’s return. 

Isak hadn’t thought about that. They hadn’t even really planned their wedding but it made sense. Athieng and Nyaring would probably have trouble getting a visa granted to come to Norway and if they did, it would be daunting and cumbersome heading to the embassy.

“I’ll look it up,” Isak nodded, still on Even’s lap, still naked and gross and sweaty. 

“Somewhere with a beach,” Even smiled at him. “Somewhere nice.”

“We haven’t traveled together since we got Ayak.”

“I know.”

.

The wedding ceremony was straight out of a dream. The beach, the waves, the people, Ayak and Nyaring reunited at last, if just for a short week.  

“I hope you know I blew up all my savings on this,” said Magnus, as he stood behind Isak by the altar while Jonas tried to shush him.

“What happened to our friendship being priceless, Mags?” Isak teased, his cheeks rosy, his skin tan, his heart singing. 

“Malaysia though? Really?” 

Malaysia was somewhere nice with a beach and that didn’t require a visa for South Sudanese citizens, so it was a no brainer. Asking his closest friends to make the trip was ridiculously stressful and they had actually laughed at first before realizing that he was serious. Most of them made it, however. Some counted it as part of a vacation they never allowed themselves to have, while others were simply there for them, Isak and Even. 

They had given everyone heads up at least a year before the ceremony, so that everyone had time to save and work hard, Vilde having done the most to get here. Isak still remembered the day she called him to tell him that her mother had died. He still remembered how she hadn’t cried until she finally broke on a bench outside the hospital days later, in his arms. He still remembered how she said she couldn’t break in front of anyone else, how she felt as though he would understand out of all people. He did understand. And if he lied about having found her cheap tickets to Malaysia just to personally subsidize the cost for her, then only Even needed to know. 

“Aw, baby. You’re so kind,” Even had said and it filled him with pride.  

.

“You’re married to an idiot,” Even grinned as they spinned on the dance floor, drunk on nothing but love, and love, and love, while Ayak and Nyaring drew circles around them.  

“I guess I am, huh.”

.

**After**

Parting with Nyaring was hard, but watching Ayak part with him tore Isak apart. Even cried for a good fifteen minutes at the airport while Isak held him close after his parents took Ayak away with them. Even didn’t always cry, but when he did, he couldn’t stop. And Isak couldn’t handle it, seeing him twist in pain and guilt and overall sadness. He couldn’t bear it. 

“He’s going to be okay. They’re both going to be okay.”

“We’re keeping a sister and a brother apart, Isak. It’s so awful. I can’t stand it. I can’t.”

They held hands and spent the rest of the day in their hotel suite simply staring at each other and kissing soft and slow. Isak was convinced that no two beings in the universe were as suited for one another as them. None.  

.

Being married to Even was the same as not being married to Even. The only difference was that Even called him his husband day in and day out now. He was rather insufferable with it. 

“I’m calling in regard to my husband’s phone plan. Yes, my husband Isak. Yes, I’m his husband.”

“It’s literally just a piece of paper,” Isak groaned once in their kitchen. 

“I like pieces of paper.”

He was ridiculous, but Isak only rolled his eyes for the first few weeks, eventually growing accustomed to it. 

_ Husbands.  _

.

Ayak was growing into an incredible pre-teen with a character. She slammed doors now. She had mood swings now. 

“She got that one after me,” Even joked to ease the tension while Isak struggled to remain calm and composed. 

She even started rolling her eyes which made Even joke about how “She got that from you, though.” 

Joining a regular school had been emotionally challenging for her and Isak could tell. She hated her hair, and she hated how some kids looked at her for having two dads and for still having some trouble with speech. And Isak was this close to going to that school himself to knock some sense into her classmates.

“We don’t threaten kids, Isak,” Even smiled as he massaged his shoulders. 

“We threaten kids who threaten our kid, Even!”

Even laughed, leaned in and kissed him on the mouth, then laughed some more. “You’re adorable.”

“Stop it! I’m serious.”

“Can you imagine how much she’ll hate you if you do that? If you go to her school and beat up her classmates?” Even tilted his head to the side and beamed. “Can you imagine if I went to the hospital years back and beat up your colleagues for being mean to you? How much would you have hated me?” 

“Ugh fine.”

.

Isak walked Ayak to school the following day. He was wearing his lab coat and had a stethoscope around his neck. He knew he probably looked ridiculous but he needed his outfit to make a simple statement that would resonate with her peers. 

He stopped at the gates and lowered himself so that their eyes were on the same level. 

“I’m going to be outside. If something happens, just run to me and I will go yell at them.”

“Dad!” she rolled her eyes while he laughed.

“I’m joking,” he said, running his hand across her cheek and smiling gently. “We don’t hurt people. We don’t yell at people.”

“We don’t?”

“No, we don’t. We make them seethe with our kindness and our greatness. That’s what we do. Okay?”

“Okay.” 

Isak later learned that Ayak had spent the day boasting about her dad being a surgeon and her other dad being a famous humanitarian, and it felt quite good to feel celebrated. 

.

Even relapsed a few years later. And although Isak had seen it all, he could never be prepared enough to see Even feel so low and think so little of himself. It was always brutal. Always daunting. It was also Ayak’s first time getting exposed to this side of Even, and he knew that it made things harder on all of them. 

So when Even took off one morning to ‘keep her from seeing me like this’, Isak nodded and swallowed the lump in his throat.

.

He went to find him in Stockholm a week later, drenched in rain from head to toe, his blood boiling with rage.

“You don’t get to fucking run away anymore, Even! You don’t get to take off and leave me to deal with this shit alone! You don’t get to leave me alone anymore! You don’t get to leave us to protect us! You gave up that right the moment you slipped that stupid ring around my finger and tricked me into liking how it sounds when you call me your husband! You asked me to see you as your equal so all I ask is that you do the same for me! Do you hear me?!” 

“Fuck. I’m sorry. Yes! Forgive me! I was coming home tomorrow. I just—”

Isak shut him up with wet kiss and they made love that night, deep, hot, scandalous, passionate. Even’s airbnb host left him a nasty review for disturbing his neighbors. But they didn’t care and Isak marveled at their sex life still being incredible after all these years. 

“Ayak said that she wanted to be a doctor when she grows up, yesterday,” Isak said as he filled him in on what he had missed, his hands on his chest, drawing circles.

“Just like you. Shit. That’s so cute.” 

.

**Later Later**

Ayak didn’t become a doctor. She changed her mind some time during high school. She wanted to become a lawyer, an international lawyer. 

“I know you want me to be a surgeon like you, but—”

“I don’t want you to be anything but who you are, baby,” said Isak while he munched on carrots, his head sprawled on Even’s lap as they watched TV.

“Don’t call me baby, it’s so cringe,” Ayak shuddered. 

“We’re proud of you, baby,” said Even, smiling that dumb smile of his while Isak laughed on his stomach.

“You two are so gross, god!”

“We are, aren’t we?” Isak smiled, looking back at Even now. 

“We’re so gross, wow.”

They kissed briefly while Ayak groaned and covered her eyes. They praised her and reassured her that they would support her no matter which path she chose, and she joined them on the couch once she was done blushing. 

Later when she started law school, Isak realized why it was so important to her that she mastered law and words and texts. She had spent a great portion of her childhood feeling insecure over her mastery of languages, so she decided to prove everyone wrong.  _ Make them seethe with greatness.  _

.

Nyaring joined the African Leadership Academy in Johannesburg, South Africa, a prestigious private academy shaping the next generation of African leaders and awarding high school diplomas through challenging curriculums. And Isak and Even couldn’t be more proud. 

They got it now. It took years but they got it. Nyaring was not a sob story. He did not need saving. His life wasn’t less meaningful than Ayak’s or any other child’s. He wasn’t as privileged, but it didn’t mean he was doomed to a sad and pathetic life. And they were thankful for Athieng who had fought hard for Nyaring to get the education he deserved. 

Nyaring didn’t need to be flown to Norway to make his life matter. His fight was in his continent. His fight was for his country and for every child living in a zone of conflict around the world. Nyaring simply refused to be a sob story or a poor victim in need of saving, and he had more fire and resilience than Isak could ever dream of having. But he was also kind and patient, his smile making his heart ache in his chest like Even’s and Ayak’s. They helped as much as Athieng and Nyaring would allow. Both materially and by hosting their visits. But that was it. They never got to adopt him and it was okay. 

But Even had made a dream one starry night in Juba in his early twenties and he had never quite succeeded at giving up on it. His dream. Isak and Ayak and Nyaring and himself. A family. Before the universe and before the law. They didn’t talk about it often, but it remained a dream of Even’s. And Isak was in that business. Making Even’s dreams come true, but not without his contribution this time. 

Isak had promised and he was going to keep his promise.  _ Together.  _

.

It turned out that Isak didn’t need to do much. It was Even’s birthday, and they were no longer young and shiny now. Their skins had creases and wrinkles and their joints weren’t as merciful as before. They were older, just as in love, just as silly and crazy in love, but they were older.

It was Even’s first birthday without his parents, both of them having passed the year prior within weeks of each other. Even had said that his father died from heartbreak after his mother passed, and Isak had kissed the top of his head. 

_ ‘That’s gonna be us, too.’ _

_ ‘Yeah. That’s gonna be us, too.’ _

Even wasn’t sad. He was smiling. He was trying. But Isak noticed how everyone had upped their gifting game this year, how everyone was especially considerate, how Nyaring had flown all the way from the United States where he was studying diplomacy in some pretentious Ivy League school—after taking a gap year following Athieng’s heartbreaking passing during a mission gone wrong—, how Ayak was wearing a dress for once, the dress that Even liked the most, the one with the sunflowers and the golden patterns that looked straight out of a Klimt painting. She didn’t get into an argument with anyone over their political views and she didn’t make anyone cry. Even’s birthday was quite the success. 

Later, when their house started emptying, Ayak and Nyaring pulled Isak and Even into the kitchen with nervousness dancing in their eyes. Isak’s pulse started quickening. 

“We got you a joint birthday present this year,” said Nyaring, his nervous smile making Isak’s stomach unclench a bit. 

“Yes, it’s for the both of you, however,” Ayak added, her hesitation a bit out of character for her. “Dad loves you so much. We figured he wouldn’t mind sharing his gift with you this year.” 

“You know me so well!” Even laughed. 

.

Nyaring walked forward and placed a large envelope on the kitchen table in front of Isak and Even who were sat on their chairs, waiting patiently.  _ What could it be?  _ A vacation? A trip for two? What could they possibly share that came in a piece of paper?

_ “I like pieces of paper.” _

Even’s words from that night several years ago suddenly popped into Isak’s mind, and tears came to his eyes without warning. 

So he watched Even open the envelope, and he watched him pull out the pieces of paper, and he watched his eyes widen, and his hands start to shake before coming up to his face to cover it. He watched Even burst into tears right there in their newly renovated kitchen.

“It’s adoption papers,” Ayak finally said as if speaking the words on the page into existence, making them real. “And if it’s okay with the two of you, we would like you to be our parents. Not just in your hearts but on paper as well. And we are aware that adult adoptions are not common, but I’ve done my due diligence. I worked on it myself and had my professors and fellow associates guide me through best practices. We would have to have a hearing to ensure that we’re not engaging in this procedure for illegal or dishonest purposes, but it’s only a formality provided our history. Also, the wonderful thing about adult adoptions is that most of them only require that the person being adopted doesn’t have a living parent and that consent is expressed by both parties, so we’re not looking at child services reviewing the case. That is, of course, if both of you are okay with it. We know that we presented this as a gift, but honestly, we’ve been meaning to for a while and we couldn’t figure out a good time to tell you or ask you. And you should think about it a bit because obviously if you adopt us, we might be inheriting stuff, which isn’t what we’re after at all! And I’m rambling and I’m supposed to be good with words, but I’m so damn nervous!”

They embraced, all four of them, like fools, limbs entwining and grabbing each other with a desperation and gratitude that Isak couldn’t fathom. Even cried and Isak cried with him. They all cried.

“This is my dream. It’s my dream!” Even sobbed. 

Up until then, Isak hadn’t realized that it had been a dream of his all along as well. 

.

**Later Later Later**

"When you said we were going on a Eurotrip, this isn't quite what I had in mind," said Isak as he stretched his legs on the sidewalk while Even was desperately trying to get a car to stop for them.   
  
"And what exactly did you have in mind?" Even asked, turning around to face Isak. 

"Well. I guess not having to hitchhike our way to Vienna? Because we're not teenagers anymore and you know, we have money and stuff?"

"Talk about yourself," Even scoffed. "I'm still a child at heart."

"God, why do you do this to me?" Isak sighed, spreading his legs a bit on pavement and thrashing about like a child. "I just want to go home!"

It was night, too, and it was starting to get chilly despite it being the middle of July. He had no idea why he had agreed with Even's plan in the first place. 

"Home," Even repeated, but it sounded private like he was saying it for himself.

"Yeah home. You know our super big house with big windows and yellow curtains and the best couch in Oslo?" 

Even stared at him for a moment before repeating, "home."

Isak got up from he was sprawled on the floor and made his way to Even. His steps were unhurried but his heart was beating fast. He stopped in front of Even on the side of the road and brought both hands to his face, his handsome face, still as angelic and dreamy as ever, his husband's face. 

"We're hitchhiking to Vienna," Isak smiled as Even's arms enveloped his waist and locked behind his back.

"We're hitchhiking to Vienna."

"And you're gonna take me to the Klimt museum and tell me how much you love me when we stop in front of The Kiss painting."

"Yes, when we get to Vienna. Yes," Even smiled, then leaned in to nuzzle their noses together. Old habits died hard.

"And we're gonna book an airbnb and have a lot of dirty grown men sex." 

"Yes, yes. Yup."

"And you're gonna call me your lover when we're in the sheets," Isak nuzzled their noses together this time, closing his eyes a bit. 

"Yes, because husbands can be lovers, you know."

Isak kissed him, rose to his tiptoes and kissed him on the mouth, then felt Even's mouth open against his own. He had this whole theory about how people gave up pieces of their souls while kissing and that they exchanged more than just the visible particles of themselves when breathing the air in each other's lungs, but he was still fleshing it out. So he kept his words to himself and let his lips and his hands do the talking. 

They kissed—made out—like teenagers, like the Isak and Even who met in Stockholm, Buenos Aires, Lisbon, the Sahara desert, Prague, Vienna, and Paris. They kissed because they were still children at heart, the fire and love they bore for one another unquenchable, their flame never dimming, never thinning. Each other's, wholeheartedly.

"The famous Even and his husband making out in the middle of obscure roads in Czech Republic. Quite the headline, huh," Isak teased when their lips finally parted.

"Just as interesting as the famous neurosurgeon Isak and his husband hitchhiking to Vienna to fuck each other's brains out like the first time they got to make love."

"We should give fake names to whoever stops for us," Isak laughed, his arms still around Even's neck.

"More delinquency. I like it," Even tittered before pausing to think. "I'll be Edvard for the night."

"Edvard," Isak hummed. "I'll be Ivar then."  

"Edvard and Ivar. I like the sound of it."

A car's headlights in the distance suddenly brought of them out of their trance. 

"I bet you this one's gonna stop for us," said Isak.

"And I bet you this one's a dark blue Skoda Octavia," Even replied as he raised his arm to signal to the car which seemed to slow down for them.

"What if they kidnap us and we never make it home?"

Even glanced at the car and smiled and Isak couldn't help but grin. The universe had its ways of making the most improbable happen. Like perhaps how Isak and Even kept bumping into each other in random countries all over the world. Like perhaps how the car stopping for them was a dark blue Skoda Octavia. 

_What if we never make it home?_

Even took his hand and kissed his knuckles. And Isak knew what he was to say before he said it.

"Home?" Even smiled and Isak smiled right back.  _Home is wherever I'm with you._ "Home is wherever I'm with you."

.

_Laugh until we think we'll die_  
barefoot on a summer night  
_never could be sweeter than with you_

_And in the streets you run afree_  
like it's only you and me  
geez, you're something to see

_Home, let me come home_  
Home is when I'm alone with you  
_Home, yes I am home_  
Home is wherever I'm with you  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE END.
> 
> Oh my! i hope some of you made it to the end and finished this story. let me know if you did. i know it's been a while so i get people completely forgetting about it lol <3 
> 
> first of all let me start this by thanking everyone who kept checking on this story/sending constant asks/messaging me about it after i got very uninspired and was generally down and not in the headspace to continue it. they were already at such a loving stage that i didn't know how to end their story the right way.  
> my writing has also changed a bit since the last time i updated this story, so you might have felt a shift in tone. this was a love letter to Isak and Even. i've never written a proper future fic/ kid fic, but i received a few requests so I thought I would try in this update. 
> 
> i wanted to make the ending realistic. and i also didn't want to preach the idea of two Norwegian men saving black children from war. i wanted Ayak and Nyaring to be their very own persons as well. The 'War Child' organization is real and they do some really inspiring things for displaced children around the world (250 million children live in war areas. can you believe it??) You can get involved and do some pretty cool stuff too on warchild.org  
> The African Leadership Academy is also a real institution and two of my most brilliant friends have attended it. We don't hear enough about excellence in the African continent. but trust me. it's there. people just don't talk about it enough. i'm glad i got to mention it in one of my stories.  
> finally, adult adoption is a real thing as well. i'm not sure what the due diligence is in Norway but i kept it vague for that sake.
> 
> i'm wrapping up all my verses so expect an IWDIA update and the last 2 chapters of NLMLY soon. thank you so much for sticking with me all this time.
> 
> Leave me a comment if you felt something, anything <3333 you make my days. i refresh my ao3 comments section so many times every day that my workplace blocked the website on the wifi network wow. love you all so much my darlings <333 thank you thank you


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